


Stub Man

by stubman



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi, im so osrry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-03-10 16:50:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 56,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3297521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stubman/pseuds/stubman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki just wants to have a normal day, nothing goes as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> originally was a shitfic on google docs my friend and i took turns writing that became this hell
> 
> also tsukiyama doesnt have hands

It was a bright sunny morning when Kaneki woke up, he pushed the blankets off him and stared out the window. A sigh escaped his lips, he hated when it rained.

He hears the sound of someone typing nearby. He doesn’t dare look over to his desk. Not today. Kaneki isn’t willing to deal with them today.

“Ooohh..”

Kaneki shivers at the noise.

“Aaahh!!”

He hears clapping.

“Look flower man, its moving!”

Kaneki sighs when he hears the beginning to A Thousand Miles, what the fuck were they doing now? This was the fifth computer this month.

He stares out the window, refusing to look over or admit he’s awake. Maybe if he stays like this he can pretend he isn’t living a nightmare.

“Its the pope! The pope!” 

Kaneki can’t even imagine what they've done to his poor computer. That laptop didn't deserve this fate. 

Suddenly A Thousand Miles abruptly stopped, and Kaneki heard a smacking sound. Curiosity got the best of him and he very gently turned around, doing his best to not alert them of his awake state. 

There he saw Tsukiyama whacking his stub against the laptop screen.

“It froze!”

“Calmato…” Whack. “Calmato…”

“Flower man, look! The screen went all blue again like the last one!!” Hinami gasped.

Kaneki bit back the urge to groan loudly and maybe slam his head into the wall a few times. Why. Why. He liked that one so much too. What a tragic end to such a good laptop.

“Good thing…” Tsukiyama quickly whipped out a second laptop, from where Kaneki doesn’t know, nor does he want to. “...I bought a few spares on Kaneki-kun’s credit card!”

More sounds of clapping filled the room and Kaneki’s eye twitched, how the fuck did he get his credit card?!?

Tsukiyama turned on the new laptop, all ready to fuck it up. Hinami was bouncing slightly next to him, and soon enough it was ready to go. Tsukiyama opened internet explorer and went to google, searching “animated wallpapers” in the search bar.

“Oohh, this one says Call of Duty wallpapers, click it!”

Tsukiyama clicked it, and suddenly a bunch of ads for doritos and mountain dew littered the screen.

“Yaaay!” Hinami yelled, blissfully unaware of the hell slowly unleashing itself onto that poor, poor computer.

‘At least it isn’t Bonzi Buddy again.’ Kaneki thinks, willing himself to look away from this electronic hell before he lost his mind.

“Can’t forget to download our best ami~”

Kaneki inwardly groaned, he thought too soon, watching in horror as bonzi buddy slowly loaded onto the laptop.

“What should we put as our name this time?”

“Mmhmh…”

Tsukiyama then typed “Swagiyama” as his name.

“Hello Swagiyama, I’m your new friend. I’ll help you with lots of things on your computer, an-”

Tsukiyama got a boner.

Kaneki, because he loved himself, pretending he didn’t see Tsukiyama get hard at the sight of a (slightly terrifying) animated purple ape.

Hinami turned around and gasped loudly. “Kaneki! You’re awake!” She cheered, hopping off the chair and rushing to him. “Look! We have a pretty new laptop! And its red!”

“Yes, I… see that.” 

Hinami took no time in dragging Kaneki over to the small couch, him now positioned between the other two. It begins.

Tsukiyama dramatically took out a flashdrive and stuck it in the laptop. The white haired boy grimaced when he realized it was a grumpy cat flashdrive. Nande? Nande…

The extravagant man then opened up MS paint, even though it was a mac laptop, and dragged in a picture from the flashdrive. It was of Kaneki. Then he stretched the photo awfully, making it terribly disproportionate, and set it as the background.

“Its beautiful…” Hinami whispered.

“I couldn’t agree more, mon cherie.”

Kaneki chose to ignore the fact that Hinami’s gaze was set on Tsukiyama’s fingers throughout the entire ordeal.

He makes a mental note to somehow find extra fingers for Hinami. Kaneki didn’t want to risk waking up without fingers cause Hinami wanted a midnight snack.

He tries to think of an excuse that would get him far away from the dying laptop in front of him. It was so new. It would die so young.

What a shame.

Then a knock was heard from the front door. Finally, this is it, my chance at freedom. 

“I’ll get it!” Kaneki backflipped off the couch and crawled to the door, not bothering to use any doors and just smashed through the wall. Tsukiyama tsked behind him at the show of bad manners. 

“Hello, who is-” The half ghoul froze, why… why was this man here? Wasn’t he dead?

“Oho, ohoh oh ohooho hoo.”

Kaneki didn’t understand, why was one eye bigger than the other? Did he have a stroke or something?

“Mado.. Kureo…” Kaneki whispered.

“OHO, OHOHO HO HO OOHOH.”

Kaneki slammed the door right in his face.

“Well clearly I’m having a horrifying fever dream so I’m going back to bed goodnight.”

“Kaneki-kun its already 11 and you just woke-”

“Goodnight.”

“Sweet dreams, my little princess…” Tsukiyama brushed some hair out of Kaneki’s face, looking down at the boy adoringly. Kaneki on the other hand, stared wide eyed at the purple hand, could you even call it a hand? There were no fingers.. fucking Hinami.

The stub slowly caressed Kaneki’s face. Unbeknownst to the duo, Mado let himself in, and was making coffee downstairs. He was softly humming to Party in the USA.

Hinami stretched her neck down the hall, she smelt it, the bulging eye, that silky white hair, it was him, her one true love.

“I’ve been waiting for you.” Mado smacked the burning coffee away, the scalding hot liquid incinerating his foot off, and ripped off his clothes, revealing the lacy underwear underneath. He crawled on the table and laid in a revealing position.

Hinami smiled knowingly. Slowly she reached for the phone, dialing a number known by heart.

“Yes hello police.”

Mado looked on in fear.

“I would like to report a sexual assault against a minor.” Mado begins running. Doesn’t use the door. Slams through the wall. He left his clothes. He is gone.

Hinami smiled to herself. She slowly began stripping, then picking up the discarded suit and CCG trademark coat. She put it on herself.

“Hehoehoheoheooe.” The sleeves dragged behind her as she naruto ran down the hall into her room.


	2. Chapter 2

Kaneki woke up sore and sweaty. He weakly cracked an eye open, sensitive to the morning light. Rolling over slightly, he caught a glimpse of purple hair.

Oh no…

When Kaneki tried sitting up, he found that he was unable to, a foreign object up his ass the source of the problem. The white haired ghoul reached his hand back, yanking it out with a pop. A shiver went down his spine as he saw what it was.

It was….

It was……..

Tsukiyama’s stub.

“Tsukiyama-san… what the fuck did we do la-”

The older man quickly brought a finger to Kaneki’s lips to shut him up.

“Shut up, Kanae’s talking about pizza.” 

“We can’t even eat pizza?”

“Shut up.”

Kaneki shot a worried look at Kanae, who was sitting in a chair nearby facing them muttering about pizza. He wasn’t sure how long he had been sitting there and wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

“Uh, how long has he-”

Tsukiyama put his entire hand over Kaneki’s mouth this time.

“He’s talking. About pizza.”

Kaneki was overly glad Tsukiyama didn’t use his stub to cover his mouth considering it had been up his ass less than two minutes ago.

“Hawaiian though.. aren’t pineapples supposed to be sweet, and ham salty? How would the two go together? Along with the other parts of a pizza? Humans baffle me…”

That man was not okay.

“Kanae-kun, you know Kaneki was once a human so he could probably help you with your dilemma.”

The purple headed fucks eyes widened. “You…”

Nope. Nah. Nada. いいえ。Non. Kaneki was not dealing with this shit today. He promptly jumped out the window. It probably would have been better if he had opened it first, but no, glass shattered everywhere and the framing ripped off. It was going to be a good day.

Maybe he could hide out with Hide. That seemed like a somewhat decent idea. He had no means of transportation since Hinami crashed the minivan, so he backflipped the entire way there.

“Holy shit.” Touka whispered as Kaneki backflipped past her and promptly slammed into a wall. 

But because of the speed he was backflipping, Kaneki ended up smashing right through the wall. Bricks crumbled all around it, and Kaneki was rendered unconscious. Touka lightly kicked his side, just to double check.

“Tch.” She grabbed his legs, and began dragging him down the alley.

“Tch…”

“Tch…..”

“Tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch.”

Touka tch’s the entire way to Papa Gino’s.

“Here, a new employeyeyeyeye. Take him.”

The manager at the pizza establishment cheered, he was perfect, his hands looked very elegant, perfect for shaping dough.

“We’ll start him off as a cashier though, for the lulz.”

“Whatever.” Touka sprouted her kagune wing and flew away.

When Kaneki came to, he was leaning over a register.

“なに the fuck?”

“Sup, I’m Hude, I’ll be training you today.”

Kaneki looked over “Hude”, confused.

“Uh, Hide, why are you calling yourself Hude?”

“Who the fuck is Hide.”

“Uh. Okay.” Kaneki briefly wondered if it would have been better to just stay at home.

“Anyways, so when you click this button,” Hude took out a finger, and smashed it on Kaneki’s register, the bottom part popped open, smacking the child in the gut. Kaneki went flying backwards from the force.

“You get the money!” Finished Hude. He looked left and right, only the on the ground Kaneki was in the shop, Hude grabbed all the money from the register and began running.

“Am I the only worker here. What the fuck. I wasn’t even hired I was dragged in what the hell is wrong with this pizza place.”

Kaneki yet again wondered if he should have just stayed home.

Just then, Uta kicked down the door, a vase in his hand.

“SCATTER!” He screamed, chucking the vase onto the floor and sending shards flying everywhere. Kaneki looked on in awe from behind the counter as Uta sprinted out and began climbing a wall outside until he could no longer be seen.

“This is so fucking surreal.”

Kaneki rubbed his temples, it was only 10:34 am and all this bullshits happened already. He wanted to go home.

Houses and cars went by in a blur as he waddled back to the apartment. The only thing that stood out was a familiar blonde head of hair up ahead.

“Hi-Hude, what the fuck was that?”

The boy turned around, a confused look on his face.

“Hude?”

“Yeah, isn’t that what you wanted me to call you?? Where’s the money??”

“Kaneki, are you okay?”

“I.. I don’t think I am.. Hide I’m scared.”

“It’s okay,” The brown eyed beauty reached a yaoi hand to rub Kaneki’s bulging stomach. “I’m here, I’ll help you with the baby. We’ll get through this.”

“Hide are you on goddamn shrooms? I’m not having any baby??”

Hide gasped in terror. “Y-you mean… I built that baby room for nothing?

“What baby room? First Hude, now a baby apparently, what the fuck is happening with you today? What’s next, you gonna tell me you killed a man?”

“How did you find out about my 360 noscope slaying skillz?”

“Excuse me.”

“Yeah that’s right, now go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich!”

“Hide…?”

Suddenly Hide reaches behind himself, and pulls a monster can out of his ass. He places it on the sidewalk, Kaneki stares. Hide pulls out another, and another, and another. The cycle continues until there are twenty six monster cans on the ground.

“Holy shit.”

Hide winks, then promptly turns and walks away, munching on doritos and wiping his nasty nacho cheese powder fingers on every building wall he passes by.

“What the fuck am I going to do with twenty six monster cans? Can ghouls even drink monster?”

Kaneki nervously picked up a can, popped open the cap, and took a sip.

“Great googley moogley.” He may have just discovered something amazing, perhaps today was a good day afterall. How was he going to carry all these back? We just don’t know.

Kaneki shoved as many as he could in his arms and down his throat. He prepared for the long, backflipless walk home. 

He made loud choking noises the entire way, causing the people around him to look on in worry and terror. One even asked him if he needed a ride to the hospital. Kaneki declined as politely as possibly with twenty six Monster cans shoved down his throat.

When Kaneki finally made it home, he found the apartment door to be wide open. Fear.

He slowly crept into the living room, and was met with quite the sight. Kanae was in the kitchen, sobbing into the microwave, cheese was lathered all over the walls, as well as sauce. It looked like so many pizzas exploded in here. So many.

But before Kaneki could react to that, he began heaving up all the monster cans lodged in his throat. Just imagine a mother bird throwing up chewed up food for the babies, it was just like that. All the monster cans were put on the couch, chillin.

Kaneki approached the kitchen, but Kanae was gone??? Where did he go?? He was just there.

He opened the fridge, nope. The cabinets were empty too.

“You’re too late, Kaneki-kun.”

Said person turned around, Tsukiyama was standing in front of the microwave and pressed the start button. Kaneki raised an eyebrow in confusion, but soon understood. When the microwave started and the light inside went on, the half ghoul saw Kanae in there, slowly rotating. How Tsukiyama fit the entirety of Kanae in the small kitchen appliance Kaneki will never know.

But just like Tsukiyama said, it was too late. Kanae exploded. Cooked to perfection.

Hinami was sitting on the counter, surrounded by laptops with blue screens of death and wearing Mado’s clothes? Kaneki didn’t want to know.

Kaneki nervously slid over to her. “Heeey Hinami, how was your day?” He asked, trying to seem casual as if hell wasn’t breaking loose in his house and all of fucking Japan.

“Flower man cooked pizza man and I got new laptops!!” 

“T-thats nice dear.” Kaneki chose to ignore the “hehoehoheoheooe” he kept hearing her make under her breath. 

He looked over at the clock. It was barely 11:30. How the hell could he survive the rest of this hellish day. At this rate the house would be on fire.

Ten minutes later, the house was on fire. Kaneki put his head in his hands. Why.

n

“Chotto matte!” Kaneki screamed, he forgot about the monsters, they were still trapped in the burning building. He rolled up his sleeves and charged head first into the door. Kaneki was on fire. Tsukiyama was sitting on the couch, slowly melting, but miraculously the monsters were unharmed.

Kaneki scooped up the energy drinks and ran, ignoring Tsukiyama, who seemed at peace on that couch, content with his fate of becoming a puddle of goo.

The backflips were back as he backflipped back outside, using the backdoor this time. He did it, he saved the monsters. Kaneki smashed a can against his head, the container exploded, he drank up.

He could drink it! Ghouls can drink monster energy!!!

Hinami grabbed one of the monsters and took a sip.

“They aren’t as good as fingers, but…”

They sat outside the burning building, watching Uta crawl along the top of it, throwing vases in all directions. If you listened carefully you could hear Tsukiyama melting. What an amazing day.

To the left of this beautiful seen, Hide put the lighter back in his pocket, smirking to himself. This would show them, this would show Kaneki for messing with his son.

Hude winked at Uta, who winked back, everything was going according to plan. Soon they would initiate Phase 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just a mess


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kaneki and ayato *yaoi squelching noise*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hude looks like this: https://31.media.tumblr.com/9b084216e08c94e5c4f8bccf6fd13a55/tumblr_inline_njbt3omWKh1qbsazb.png

Kaneki sat on the roof of their new apartment, their old one unable to be lived in after the fire. He still has no idea how that started... Huh, perhaps he should look into it, but Kaneki doesn’t care.

He hears a sloshing sound behind him and sighs. Him again. 

“Kanheehneheki-hun.”

“What is it, Tsukiyama-san?”

“Caahhnn you he help me ope n his har?”

A melted disfigured stub holds up a jar of peanut butter.

“You can’t eat peanut butter.”

Tsukiyama throws the jar on the ground in anger, it rolls off the roof and a thump is heard. Rip mailman.

“How are you still alive by the way? You’re a walking pile of goo?”

“I haahthte my lihhee.”

“That sucks, bro.”

Off in the distance, Kaneki watches as Touka backflips through buildings, probably muttering “tch” over and over again to herself. She slams into someones house and steals their dog. Kaneki sighs. He faintly hears the sounds of Tsukiyama sloshing about and Hinami naruto running around the apartment below. Amazing.

Kaneki watches as Tsukiyama melts down and falls into the gutters. Rip. He slides all the way down until he materializes onto the street, and sloshes away, to set things right.

Touka backflips onto the roof, joining Kaneki, and promptly eats the dog.

“We can eat other meat besides human?!?”

“No.”

And Touka dies.

 

Kaneki isn’t quite sure what to do with her body, and jumps off the roof, hoping no one saw. He enters the house, sees Hinami furiously spinning around on the desk chair with her long CCG sleeves, and exits the house. Knowing his life he’ll find someone to do soon enough.

“Hey Kaneki!”

There it is.

“Hi, H……” Kaneki coughs. “...de.”

“Yo yo yo yo yo yo YOY YYYOOOOOOOOO BRROOOOO”

“Um.”

Theres two of them. Dear christ. How could he have forgotten.

Tsukiyama is slowly pooling around the glowing blue Hude’s feet and soaking into his shoes. He will become one with Hude one way or another. Kaneki only spares a glance at the pile of goo around them before looking back at Hide and Hude.

Despite the fact that Hude is bright fucking blue, Kaneki can’t tell them apart. Somehow.

“Ay yo wassup baby?” Hude wraps an arm around Kaneki’s shoulders.

“Dude cut that out.” Hide snaps.

“Make me.”

Hide and Hude start making out, Kaneki is scared. Tsukiyama is shivering.

He runs. Far away. Litterally what the fuck.

 

Tsukiyama jumps onto his shoulder and holds on as they nyoom. Somehow they end up at Uta’s place. Why not?

“Uta-san… Can I come in?”

The door slowly creeks open on its own. Kaneki steps inside, it’s dark, he feels around the wall for the light but instead his hand finds something sticky.

A slight buzzing is heard when the lights turn on, Uta standing on the other side of the room with a shotgun.

“Oh, it’s just you.”

“Uta, what is this…” Kaneki pulls his hand away, the substance leaving a trail, he looks to the wall and sees it.

Holy shit.

“Please do not disturb the bees, they are trying to make honey.”

“WHY ARE THERE BEES?!?”

“Why aren’t there bees, have you ever asked yourself that, Kaneki-chan?”

“Chan??”

“Would you like some tea?”

“We can drink tea?!”

“No.”

Uta takes a sip of the tea and collapses, he is dead.

The Tsukiyama flavored goo on his shoulders screams for help as the bees try to grab him and take him away. Kaneki stands there trying to process all of this while Tsukiyama slowly gets carried away by the bees.

“Rest in fucking piss Tsukiyama-san.” he whispers. In memeory of Uta, Kaneki picks up a nearby vase and smashes it over the dead mans head.

“You will be missed. Probably.”

With that he grabs the gooey man on his shoulders and cartwheels through the wall and back home.

 

The cold wind blows through his hair as he makes the long trek back. Since when was the apartment so far away? Sometime ago Tsukiyama slipped from his shoulders, but Kaneki couldn’t find it in himself to care. He’ll make it home eventually, probably.

Suddenly a hand snakes around his waist, and another over his mouth. Kaneki is dragged into an alley and slammed against the brick wall, he gasps as the wind is knocked out of him.

“Oh, it’s just you.”

Kaneki is surprised to see Ayato standing before him, not Elmo. He isn’t disappointed though.

“Who were you looking for?”

“The bees.”

“Why?”

“I want their honey.”

Kaneki doesn’t mention the fact that the other still has his hand around his waist.

“I mean you can just, go to the store and get honey…??”

“Naaahhhhh.” Ayato drawls.

“Um, okay. Also your sister died.”

“About damn time.”

Kaneki grunts in agreement, those tch’s were getting on his nerves.

“So about those bees.”

Kaneki mentally groaned. Oh no.

“Did you know that Honey is the only food that includes all the substances necessary to sustain life, including enzymes, vitamins, minerals, and water; and it's the only food that contains "pinocembrin", an antioxidant associated with improved brain functioning.”

“Uh, I do now.”

“Did you also know that Honey bees have 170 odorant receptors, compared with only 62 in fruit flies and 79 in mosquitoes. Their exceptional olfactory abilities include kin recognition signals, social communication within the hive, and odor recognition for finding food. Their sense of smell is so precise that it could differentiate hundreds of different floral varieties and tell whether a flower carried pollen or nectar from metres away.”

“Ayato is there a reason for this?”

“The honey bee's wings stroke incredibly fast, about 200 beats per second, thus making their famous, distinctive buzz. A honey bee can fly for up to six miles, and as fast as 15 miles per hour.”

“You’re starting to sound like some wikipedia article.”

“The queen bee can live up to 5 years and it's role is to fill the hive with eggs. She is the busiest in the summer months, when the hive needs to be at its maximum strength, she lays up to 2500 eggs per day. The queen bee has control over whether she lays male or female eggs. If she uses stored sperm to fertilize the egg, the larva that hatches is female. If the egg is left unfertilized, the larva that hatches is male. In other words, female bees inherit genes from their mothers and their fathers while male bees inherit only genes from their mothers. [Click here](http://www.benefits-of-honey.com/honey-bee-life-cycle.html) to learn more about the Honey Bee Life Cycle,”

“What do you mean click here!?”

“During winter, honey bees feed on the honey they collected during the warmer months. They form a tight cluster in their hive to keep the queen and themselves warm.”

“If I make out with you will you stop.”

“Yes.”

Kaneki reached down and grabbed Ayato by the shoulders, reversing their position. Kaneki leans in and connects their mouths together forcefully. Ayato gasps in return, giving Kaneki an opportunity push his tongue in. Their wet muscles fight for dominance as the white haired ghoul nudges Ayato’s crotch with his knee.

The two break for air, “But Kaneki..”

He takes a moment to collect his breath, “Did you know that bees have personalities? Even in beehives, there are workers and shirkers. Researchers at the [University of Illinois](http://news.illinois.edu/news/12/0308bees_GeneRobinson.html) found that not all bees are interchangeable drones. Some bees are thrill-seekers. Others are a bit more timid.”

“How’d you get that link there? What the fuck is Illinois?”

“Unimportant.”

“Are we actually gonna fuck or are you just going to continue spouting random bee facts?” Kaneki growls.

“Why can’t we do both?”

“This ain’t no Old El Paso Hard and Soft Taco commercial.”

“Or is it?”

Kaneki glares at him, then he thinks of a new approach. “So. Can I suck your dick.”

“Woah what.” Ayato gasp.

“Drop trout. I’ll suck your dick right here.”

“But first, did you know that bees can help us catch serial killers?”

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?”

“Serial killers behave like bees. They commit their crimes close to home, but far away enough that the neighbors don’t get suspicious. Similarly, bees collect pollen near their hive, but far enough that predators can’t find the hive. To understand how this “buffer zone” works, scientists studied bee behavior and wrote up a few algorithms. Their findings improved computer models police use to find felons.”

Kaneki mulls that new information over for a moment, “So bees could probably catch ghouls too, right?”

“Holy shit, fuck the honey, I don’t want it no more, nah fuck that. Fuck bees.” Ayato is livid.

“Fuck me instead.”

“Ho ho holy shiT.”

“Calm down Saint Nick, it’s just a lil bump and grind.”

“Saint Nick more like Saint Dick.”

“That’s the spirit!”

Kaneki got down on his knees and began palm treeing the front of Ayato’s pants.

A small gasp escaped his lips, along with a “In the honeybee world, females do all the work.”

“That’s nice, Ayato.” Kaneki unzipped his fly, taking his enormous dong out, it was already half hard shell taco.

The full ghoul hissed between his teeth, Kaneki was a little confused considering he’d barely touched him yet, was he a virgin? Probably, with all those bee facts.

“Ayato, have you had sex before?”

“Bees have 5 eyes: two big ones like us, but then three little ones on the top of the head to help them fly straight.”

“So no.”

Kaneki beins nipel

Kaneki begins working the base, Ayato screams because he sees a spider on the wall next to him. Kaneki can’t know that though, so he moans quickly after as to not raise suspicion.

“Wow you’re really loud.”

“Bees can’t see red.  To bees, red looks like black.  As such, honeybees won’t go to a purely red flower.”

“Holy shut, shit up.” Kaneki starts pumping faster and stands up, crashing his lips against the other. Finally no more bees.

But to Kaneki’s surprise, when he pulls away Ayato opens his mouth, thousands upon thousand of bees pour out. Strangely they don’t sting either of them, just fly away or land on the wall, waiting. Those horny little shits wanna watch.

Kaneki strokes faster and after a few bucks of Ayato’s hips he comes, the bees flock around it and steal it for their hive. In the distance Santa Baby could be heard, neither of them question it.

  
Hinami stares down from the top of the building, holding the boombox playing Santa Baby. “Onii-chan is getting it on with onee-chan’s onii-chan. Fuckin sweet.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the gang goes to walmart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw hinami and tsukiyama went to walmart before and destroyed the place but we didnt write it
> 
> also gyde is glowing bright yellow

Hinami went

Kaneki watches wordlessly as Hinami slowly morphs into a frog and jazzily wents away. He checks the time. Only 8 in the morning. Hoh boy.

Today is gonna be... Interesting. He can feel it.

Kaneki makes his way into the kitchen, the dried remains of Kanae’s blood lingers around the microwave. He shakes his head sadly at the memory. Kaneki opens the fridge, then remembers he can’t eat anything that would be in there, and closes the door. Why was he even in the kitchen? Kaneki rips a cabinet door off its hinges and consumes.

His throat convulses at the size of the wooden door, he sprawls on the floor trying to digest it.

Tsukiyama struts in with Hinami close behind, the distant sound of ‘Dancing Queen’ following them. Through his choking Kaneki takes a moment to think about how that seems to be happening a lot recently.

“-babbling in french- kaneki-kun” Tsukiyama mackles as Hinami drops it hard to Abba with her froggy little body. Kaneki swalls the cabinet door and wonders if he will die from eating it. Technically it wasn’t food so.

Kaneki finishes eating the cabinet, but before he can get up he feels the cold metal of a gun against his head.

“Bonjour.” Tsukiyama pulls the trigger.

The Pope appears behind Tsukiyama, and raises a gun to his head as well.

Behind the Pope, the Pope points a gun to his head. Trust nobody. Not even yourself.

Former U.S. president George W. Bush appears behind the Pope and points a gun to his head. Trust nobody. Not even former U.S. president George W. Bush.

The click of safety going off is heard, behind former U.S. president George W. Bush is a gun floating in midair. Trust nobody. Not even nobody.

Behind the floating gun behind former U.S. president George W. Bush is the family printer, holding a gun to the gun. Trust nobody. Not even the family printer.

“Bangladesh.” Behind the family printer stands Sheldor, sporting a siense shirt. He holds the revolver against the cool plastic of the family printer. Trust nobody. Not even Pinny.

Behind Sheldor stands Hisoka, his boner holding the gun to the siense mans head. Trust nobody. Not even men from other animes.

Behind Hisoka stands his one true love, Elmo. “Rise.” He whispers, holding the gun to Hisoka’s bright pink glowing hair. The house is now on fire. Trust nobody. Not even children show stars.

Kaneki groans. The house is once again in flames. Fantastic.

Emerging from the flames is Slaine Troyard, he holds a gun in his right hand.

“Um.” He looks onto the scene in confusion. “Has anyone seen Orange around? I got business to do.”

Inaho appears out of nowhere and promptly kicks Slaine in the mouth.

“POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER!” Hinami encourages from the sidelines.

Inaho continues to kick him, alternating between feet with extrememe speed and grace. Revenge you bastard. Revenge.

Just then Moral gets shot, Art walking up to the scene.

“You’re alive! Thank goodness!” Nice is so happy so see his boyfriend.

“Sorry I took so long.” Art pulls the trigger on Nice. Not nice, not nice at all.

Inaho flings away from Slaine and begins kicking Art in the mouth as well.

“THIS IS FOR THE BRUNETTES!!”

Nice watches in awe and cheers him on with Hinami while Slaine lays on the ground. He is dead. Rip.

“Who are you people.” Kaneki questions, still sitting on the floor watching hell unfold.

“Everyone get the fuck out of my house, which is still burning by the way.”

Sadly Tsukiyama, the Pope, the Pope, former U.S. President George W. Bush, floating gun, the family printer, Sheldor, Hisoka, Elmo, Slaine, Inaho, Moral, Nice, and Art shuffle out of the house. All of them catching on fire in the process.

“Anyways.” Kaneki stands, goes and takes a shower, then gets dressed. The apartment is still burning, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

He faintly hears the sound of more white haired anime asshole boys getting kicked in the mouth and ignores it.

Kaneki kicks down the door of his bedroom and struts out to where Hinami, finally un-froggled, and Tsukiyama sit on the couch.

“Someone steal a fucking car we’re going to japanese Wal-Mart.”

“Japanese Wal-mart?” Tsukiyama inquires, “I hadn’t known there was such a thing.”

“Isn’t it called Walaboo?” Hinami pipes in.

“Who fucking cares we’re going, gotta buy more plates.” And with that, Kaneki shrugs on his coat and heads out the door, not waiting to see if the other two follow.

The engine of their shared Barbie Jeep roars, “SHOT GUN!” Hinami shouts.

“Enough with the guns, holy shit.” Kaneki rubs his temples.

Tsukiyama is forced in the backseat, he can barely fit, his legs are sticking out the side through the nonexistent windows. He is going to die.

Kaneki turns up the volume on the radio, hearing ‘Dancing Queen’ yet again playing. He clicks through the channels. Its only Abba. He cannot be free.

If he’s lucky maybe someone will steal the radio again.

“Kaneki-kun, do you even have your license?”

“You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich.”

Hinami begins eating the car as the half ghoul puts his finger in a slot or some shit, off they go.

A treacherous two hours later and they’re standing outside Walaboo. Tsukiyama marches forward, perplexed by the automatic doors.

He goes forward, they slide open, he leans back, they slide closed. A small gasp leaves his lips. They didn’t have these in Japan! Tsukiyama thinks, outside of Japanese Wal-Mart, located in Japan.

The purple people eater walks in and out of the doors in a fluid motion, he whistles to himself as Steppin’ on the M83 begins playing. His body is thrusting in and out of the Walaboo entrance.

He finally walks in after Hinami pushes him through. He slowly grins as he recognizes the store.

“ _ **Remember us!?**_ ” He yells, and the greeter turns in horror to stare at the purple man.

“Oh sweet Jesus.” She whispers. “CODE RED, CODE RED. PURPLE MAN AND SMALL CHILD. THEY RETURN.”

Red lights start flashing and sirens begin. People are running and screaming as the meme team walks right in.

“What the fuck did you guys do??” Kaneki yells, trying to be heard over the sirens and screams. He is ignored by the pair as Tsukiyama makes his way to the car parts, eyes locked on the gasoline.

Tsukiyama, with a determined look set on his face, picks up a jug of the liquid. He goes around, sloshing it in every which way, making sure there isn’t an inch not douched.

“If you will.” He says to Hinami, she takes out a match and lights it Wednesday Adams style and throws it on the floor. It has begun.

Meanwhile, Kaneki had made his way towards the plates, to do the thing he actually came to Japanese Wal-Mart for. He ignores the fire quickly spreading around him.

In the electronics section, Hinami and Tsukiyama pop a conjoined boner at the sight of all the laptops. Hinami picks up a nice VAIO brand one.

“Flower man, this looks like a good one!”

“Excellent choice little lady, I’m sure Kaneki-kun will love it.”

Hinami proceeds to drop the laptop, it smashes into pieces on the floor. She moves a smidge down the aisle and picks up the laptop that was on display next to the VAIO one.

“Flower man, this looks like a good one!”

“Excellent choice little lady, I’m sure Kaneki-kun will love it.”

Hinami drops the computer. It lays broken on the ground. Another is in her hands in an instant.

“Flower man, this looks like a good one!”

Meanwhile, Kaneki, still browsing the plates, ignores the sound of shattering electronics and the burn of the fire enveloping his skin, caressing him like a large, warm yaoi hand. It reminds him of Hide.

He picks up a random plate. Seeing a speck of dust on it, he smashes it onto the floor in disgust. He moves down an inch. He picks up another plate. Kaneki sees a speck of dust and smashes it on the floor in disgust yet again.

This process repeats until there are no more plates.

“I can’t fucking believe they have no plates. I’m going to file a complaint later.” Kaneki complains, walking over the shattered glass he seems to not realize is there.

“Where the hell are Tsukiyams and Froggle.”

Kaneki sniffs the air, following the scent of disappointment which would surely lead him to his tomadachi’s. As he nears the electronics section, he sighs.

“Flower man, this looks like a good one!”

“Excellent choice little la-”

Kaneki punches Tsukiyama in the throat. He falls onto the shattered laptops. Hinami begins pushing the remaining computers onto the floor, they all land on Tsukiyama. He convulses in pain.

“Nani the fuck are you two doing?”

“We.. We wanted to surprise you with a new laptop, but they didn’t have any.”

“Yes, what Pepe said, sadly this Walaboo doesn’t carry any computers. How odd.”

Kaneki looks to the floor, stares at the laptop remains, then back up at the duo.

“Flower flower, what is Pepe french for?”

Tsukiyama brings a hand and brushes a strand of hair behind Hinami’s ear. He doesn’t answer her, just smiles.

“Who’s hand is that, Tsukiyama-san?” Kaneki questions, staring at the detached hand currently resting on the side of Hinami’s face.

Tsukiyama doesn’t speak, only takes another detached hand out of nowhere and places a limp finger on Kaneki’s lips to shush him.

Hinami just giggles like having a severed hand touching her face and hair is perfectly normal. It probably is for them, actually.

The fire once again grows closer, and Kaneki is reminded of the days earlier events. He violently shoves the memory from his mind. Never again.

“Thank you for the new earrings, Shoe!” Hinami exclaims as the hands dangle from her eyes.

“No problem.” Tsukiyama gets down on one knee and bows for some reason.

Far away, in the toys section, a portal is opened. From there steps out Hide, Hude, and Gyde. Hide wears his trademark sunshine smile, hands behind him supporting his head like some anime character who thinks they’re hot shit. Hude, colored black and blue and inverted, calmly walks in, slightly hunched over. Last is Gyde, he is glowing bright yellow and smirking like hes got a plan and is gonna fuck shit up.

“Okay, I’m going to go find Kaneki, you guys uh, just do whatever. I don’t really care.”

“Ay yo okay man thats chill I got you I got you.” Hude wraps an arm around his triplet.

“Please don’t touch me.” Hide shivers.

Gyde opens his mouth, all that comes out is white noise. He scurries off to the giant cage of balls, you know the ones.

Hude followers closely behind, they stretch open the bungee cord and get inside. The giant childrens balls suck them in. The feeling strangely similar to being trapped in the man circle.

“Free at last.” Hide whispers, quickly rushing away from his twins (copies? spawns from hell?) towards the sound of crashing electronics. He wonders why the burn of the fire reminds him of his own embrace.

The sound of muffled choking is a big turn off, Hide really wants to turn back, he really does, but this is for Kaneki. He strides forward and is met with quite the sight.

The child is wearing a horrifying bird mask, hands hanging from her ears. The weird purple guys on his knees and- woAH WOAH WOAH. WOAH.

“KANEKI!” Hide rushes Kaneki from behind, gently takes his dick out of Tsukiyamas mouth and puts it in his pocket for safe keeping.

“We are in a Walaboo! Don’t do that shit here!”

“Hide can I have my dick back?”

“IIE!”

“Um.”

“Please papi I want my dong.”

Hide gets a raging boner from the word papi. Kaneki punches him in the dick.

“me nads”

“Excuse me.”

“mE NADS KANEKI. ME NADS. I CAN’T WAZZ LIKE THIS.”

Hinami attacks.

Hude and Gyde, inside the ball chamber children enclosure, meet up with Uta, who is somehow also inside the ball chamber children enclosure.

“Hello, did you bring the materials?”

“Yes master, we have everything we need.”

Gyde pulls out a vase.

Uta takes it, looking over it carefully. He slowly turns it in his hands. He checks all over the vase. He licks it, bringing it almost fully into his mouth before taking it back out.

“Yes… Yes, this will do."

He smashes it over his own head and collapses. Uta is dead again.

Bees swarm from the broken vase filling the chambers, allowing Hude and Gyde to become one with the creatures.

Ayato would be so jealous.

Back in the electronics section, Hinami has gone missing, Tsukiyama is laying on the ground, and Hide and Kaneki bicker.

“So are you Hide or Hude today?” The white haired boy asks snarkily, still a little pissed at from the Papa Ginos incident.

“Hudes a separate person entirely! How many times do I have to tell you that?”

“Well, sumimasen, Hide.”

“Get that weeaboo shit outta here.”

“But we’re in Walaboo.”

Elsewhere, Hinami still sat in her bird mask with the hands on her ears. She was perched up on the shelves in the headphones isle, breaking into the large display case of overpriced headphones.

“I bet onii-chan will be so happy to get these!” Hinami exclaims.

She takes them and drives her knee right through the box, shattering the headphones.

Hinami picks up the next, breathing heavily.

“I bet onii-chan will be so happy to get these!”

She drives her knee through the box yet again. Soon there are no more headphones.

Something isn’t right, she can still sense the presence of headphones somewhere. Hinami crawls on all fours toward the source of it, which is in the electronics section. She stares at the headphones hanging on Hide’s neck and begins drooling.

Hinami dive bombs into Hide, he smashes into the shelf, creating a domino effect with all the shelves in the aisles behind it. Literally everything in the Japanese Wal-Mart is ruined. The fire spreads. Helicopters can be heard from above, the entire ordeal being filmed for Japanese Fox News.

The squad all hurry out of Walaboo as fast as they can, piling in the Barbie Jeep. There isn’t any room for Tsukiyama, so he becomes the wheels.

Uta, Hude, and Gyde are not present. Hide sighs in relief.

“Go go go go go go go go go go.”

“Hinami shut the fuck up.”

Hinami opens her mouth and white noise comes out from behind the bird mask. Hide flinches and tries to forget it sounds like Gyde.

“You’re too slow.” Hinami says to Kaneki, who has yet to start the car. She picks him up and throws him onto the street, starting the barbie jeep herself.

“Walk bitch.” She whispers to Kaneki before nyooming down the road.

It’s a long four hour drive, Hinami proves herself to be quite the skilled driver, she pulls up at a Wcdonalds.

“Okay what do you guys want?”

“Can I get a burger.” Hide asks.

“Little lady, neither of us can eat this.”

“Up the shut fuck.”

Hides really excited for his burger.

“Hello welcome to burger king how may I help you?”

“Burger.”

“Nice.”

A burger transcends through the drive thru speaker and lands in Hides lap.

“Nice recieve.” Tsukkiyama insinuates.

Hinami drinks her bepsi as they cruise home, when they arrive in the driveway, Hinami grips the steering wheel.

“Get the fuck out of my car.”

They exit, off she goes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "SHIT!" Uta screams

Hinami slowly inserts herself into the oven. Kaneki watches worriedly as she closes the door with a quiet “Hehoehoheoheooe”. The oven begins vibrating and the stovetop bursts into flames.

Kaneki stares at the flames. “Oh dear.”

“Haha just kidding.” Hinami crawls out of the oven, perfectly intact.

“Wha-” Kaneki starts.

“Sometimes you just gotta live a little.”

“Hinami wha-”

“Sometimes.” The girl glares at KAEKK. “You just gotta live a little.”

And with that Hinami grabbed the car keys off the table and goes to clear her head.

Kaneki went into the living room, and sat down on the couch. Besides the Hinamo incident, this day was going pretty normally. THe boy prayed that it would stay that way.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. “Same shit as always.” Mumbled the half ghoul before reluctantly getting up to answer it.

“T”

“Pardon.”

Gyde kicks down the door before he can make it there and stares at Kaneki.

“Oh! Gyde. Uh. Gr eat to see you here? What are you doing here exactly”

Gyde opens his mouth, only white noise comes out.

Kaneki smiles. He doesn’t know what to do. Its not like he can communicate with Gyde and now hes in the middle of his hosuse.

Gyde opens his mouth and more white noise comes out. Kaneki nods.

“I feel ya buddy.”

Gyde walks over to the couch and slowly begins eating it.

“Oh dear.”

Kaneki watches in horror as the couch is consumed. He begins trembling, head in his hands, what the fuck is happening.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Kaneki.” Hide hurriedly walks in, removing Gyde from the furniture. “He got out again, I know I really should invest in stronger metal.”

“Oh. It’s okay, I guess. Kinda really liked that couch though but I mean.”

“Nah bro I totally understand, it was a pretty sexy couch.”

Hide rests a shoulder on Kaneki’s arm, “How about we make a deal? I buy you a new couch, you”

“You?”

“you”

“Um.”

“So how bout it?” Hide wiggles his lips.

“Sure, why not.” Kaneki goes upstairs to get his coat, its purple and from Tsukiyama. Actually its Tsukiyama’s coat, he stole it. Kaneki brings the garment to his face before deeply inhaling. Karmas a bitch.

He goes back downstairs where Hide is waiting, Gyde long gone. Where did he go? Its a mystery.

Suzuya begins ascending from the floor. Kaneki and Hide watch wordlessly as he crashes through the ceiling and finally does it. He’s ascended. God bless.

“Why was he below my house. Why did he feel the need to ascend through my ceiling. The door. Is right there. This shit cost moNIE.”

“It’s chill we’ll buy you a new roof and put it on top of this one.”

“That’s not how-”

“Be quiet Kaneki.”

Hide and Kaneki whip their heads around to see Hude has made his appearance.

“GO.”

Hude raises an eyebrow.

“GO.” Hide repeats.

“I KNOW.”

Kaneki and Hide make a break for it. Sadly they failed to realize that Hinami still had the car.

“Well what the fuck are we supposed to do now?”

Hide silently walked to the edge of the road and upturned his thumb.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“I’ve always wanted to do this.”

Kaneki sighed before joining his best friend in the hitchhiking.

An hour or so later, surprisingly Hude hadn’t caught up yet, a jet black fast car i dont know cars but its fast and expensive pulled up. The tinted window slowly slid down to reveal Uta.

“It’s ready.” The man breathed.

“Whats ready?” Kaneki was so confused.

“Get in.” Uta replied.

Hide just shrugged and opened the backseat of the car, Kaneki following him in. Only when everyone was secure did they realize. There were hundreds of bees just chilling in the car. Flying all around. They didn’t go to sting anyone so ya know, chill bees man.

“Oh, well thats, thats just, something.”

“Hey, man, its okay, really. We’re gonna get you that new couch and roof.” Hide rested a hand on Kanekis knee, slowly sliding it up.

“Hip.”

“Ssshh shhh, only dreams now.”

Hide leaned in and played a chaste kiss on Kaneki’s lips, which quickly became something more. Tongues slid every which way, squelching noises heard all around.

Uta smirked, looking back at the boys from the rearview mirror. “Just according to keikaku.”

The bees buzzed contently as the making out increased. Then a light tapping could be heard from the window. Not being noticeable at first, neither of the rowdy teens prayed. When the tapping became loud banging, Kaneki pulled away from Hide, a trail of saliva still connecting the pair.

The white haired boy rolled down the window to find Ayato on the other side, glaring heavily. He was clearly angry.

“Wha-”

“What the fuck.”

Hide popped his head. “Who’s this? A friend?”

“What the fuck boo, I thought we were like this,” Ayato lifted up a hand, showing his pointer and middle finger crossed, “I thought we were like this! You fucking betrayed me! AND YOU.” He angrily pointed to the bees. “FUCK OFF”

“How are you outside the window when the cars moving.”

“I FUCKIN HATE YOU BITCH ASS BEES”

“The car, is literally moving, right now, I think its going like 60 mph-”

“Yep. 60.”

“Thanks Uta.”

Ayato only continued to make disgruntled faces at Kaneki and Hide.

“So are you on like, a skateboard and just holding onto the car as it goes? Roller Skates perhaps? Can you just run really fast?”

“He is blessed.” The pope whispers.

“Please leave.” Kaneki whispers, turning to look at the man who had raised from the bees.

“Please exit the B E E C I R C L E.” Hide whispers.

“You heard him babe.” Uta says.

The pope begins to ascend just like suzu pet boy had earlier. The roof of the car explodes and the bees begin pouring out as the pope raises higher into the sky into God’s embrace.

“SHIT!!” Uta screams, beginning to do donuts with the car.

Ayato crawls in theoguh the roof and lays down on top of Kaneki and Hide. He stares up at the sky and watches the bees walk the pope to the gates of hell. Holy.

Kaneki pats Ayato’s head as he stares unblinking at the bees and the pope entering hell.

“I think your emo boyfriend calmed down.” Hide comments.

“Thank fuck.”

The happy atmosphere was destroyed all too soon as a loud boom rang in everyones eyes. The trio plus Uta looked up to see that the Pope had been shot down from the sky. He began descending at a rapid pace before crashing into the ground, bleeding everywhere.

“Shoot the Pope! Shoot the Pope!” Hinami sang happily as she lowered her sniper. She sat in the passengers seat of her barbie car, earmuffs to muffle the impact of the blow in place, (over the hand earrings of course.) Her partner in crime, Suzuya, in the seat next to her, driving at 60 mph to match Uta’s pace.

“Get rekt m8” Suzuya murmured.

“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do that.” Hinami smiled to herself, eyes trailing the Popes corpse as the car got further away.

“Oh my god we just killed the pope. Please speed up we just fucking killed the pope.”

“SHIT!!” Uta screams, slamming his foot onto the gas like this is some spongebob boating school shit.

“Holy shit the fuck son :/” Hude comments, crawling out of the glove department or whatever they call that little thing in the car you know the thing.

“No. No. Hinami shoot that one next please.” Hide begged.

Hinami raises her sniper. “Hehoehoheoheooe.”

“Oh shit son nah” Hude dissolves back into the glove WHATeVEr and Hinami begins wildly firing in all directions.

“Atta girl.” Both Slaine and Art smile at their daughter, she has been trained well. Also Hude is in Glove World.

Ayato is still laying there and Kaneki begins to get worried. He continues to pet his head and ignores his whispers of various bee facts.

“Each… E-Each.. honey.. Each honey bee colony has a unique odour for members' identification…”

“Ssshhh, sshhh, its okay. The bad man is gone now. The Pope has been eradicated.”

Ayato begins trembling, “It is estimated that 1100 honey bee stings are required to be fa-” Kaneki promptly shoves his hand in Ayato’s mouth to silence him.

Hide does the holds arms up behind his arm anime character thing. “Uta, drive faster. We need to get that couch.”

“SHIT.” Uta screams, before driving up a ramp. The car goes flying, they’re about to crash into a building when suddenly the car grows wings like some chitty chitty bang bang shit.”

“Whatdya know, we landed on the Jordans Furniture roof. Nice Uta.”

“Nice.” Uta reaffirms, giving a thumbs up.”

They all exit the car, stepping onto the roof. Kaneki looks around and notices a lump off to the side. Approaching the lump, he realizes that it’s actually Tsukiyama. And upon closer inspection, it’s revealed that hes laying in piss.

“Tsukiyama-san?”

Said man makes no notion of having heard him, tears slowly slide down his face. What a mess.

“Lmao whys he in fucking pee.” Hide interrupts.

“SHIT.” Uta screams, quickly whipping out his dick to add salt to the wound.

Hinami raises her gun and points it at Uta’s dick. Hide slowly reaches over and pushes the gun back down.

Uta’s dick raises a gun to Hinami. Hide once again reaches over to push the gun down. Uta’s dick deflates.

“T-Tsukiyama-san, what happened??”

Another tear falls down.

“I…”

“You?”

“I, t he gourmet, burnt the bagel btites.”

“Not this shit again.”

“Same shit as always.” Hide chimes in.

“Shut up Hide.” Kaneki groans, pronouncing it like the english word hide again.

“Its HIDE.”

From the roof across from the Jordans Furniture, Hinami jumps up and down holding a sign. “Eat the sushi.”

No one pays her any mind.

Tsukiyama slowly begins getting up, he wipes his piss face on a designer hancerkehcife.

“Kaneki-kun, I heard you were buying a couch?”

“Yep.”

“I see.”

Uta begins strutting towards the door which leads to the stairs which leads to the Jordans Furniture. “Leggo.”

They all put on shades and follow. Squad.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jordans furniture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you dont know what the mom ride is please watch this  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f8SWehYMTkM

“Alright kids I’ve got this.” Hide smirks, smirking as he smirks at the roof below him. Before Uta can open the door to go downstairs like a normal person, Hide grabs Hude by the legs and holds him up like a cool balloon before slamming him down, creating a large hole.

Hude is dead. Finally. Hide throws his useless fucking body to the side.

“PARKCOUR HARDCOUR!” He screams, before diving head first somersaulting into the hole. Hide tumbles down the stairs as Rolling Girl softly begins playng in the distance, abruptly stopping as the bright haired boy smashes into the wall.

Everyone on the roofs hears the distinctive bang, followed by a muffled “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” It is so weak. Hide is so broken.

“Well okay, that happened.” Kaneki says, voice muffled by Tsukiyama’s piss stub which somehow made its way into his mouth. Apparently ghouls can drink pee.

Uta then opens the door like he had originally planned, going down first. As the gang follows they see the trail of blood. No one comments.

Hinami reaches down to touch it. When she goes to lick it off her hand, Kaneki reaches over and pushes her hand back down, taking on Hide’s hand responsibility.

They all continue walking, except Kaneki, who is backflipping down the stairs.

“I just love it when he gets rowdy.” Tsukiyama sighs, watching Kaneki GO.

Soon enough they are at the entrance to Jordans Furniture. The ceiling is so high. How is that even possible. They ended up by the beds section.

“Aww helll yeeeaaahhh.” Hide climbs up to one of the bunk beds and lays down, a content sigh leaving his lips. Uta goes to rest on the bottom bunk, reaching a hand up to which Hide responds with his own. They high five. Nice.

“Okay well I’m going to go find the couch we actually came here for.” Kaneki laments, going off to the left, Tsukiyama trailing behind.

“Kaneki-kun, why not relaxing a little? We have all day to get the couch.”

“Mmmhhh….” He ponders this, then his eyes land on the racecar bed. He runs.

The pillow is so soft, the mattress squishy yet firm at the same time. God.

Tsukiyama slides in next to him, sliding an arm around Kaneki’s waist and turning to face him.

“So.”

“So.”

“Isn’t this Lightning Mcqueen?”

“EXCUSE ME?”

“Ah,” Tsukiyama starts, “Perhaps you aren’t familiar with the American film.”

“What the f cuk, is Ameroicio!?”

“Okay. Nevermind.”

“What eh fc cuk is lighting mcdonalds! ?!? “

Tsukiyama rubs his stub over Kaneki’s face, “It’s alright… its aight…”

The white haired ghoul brings the stub to his mouth, sucking on the nonexistent fingers. Tsukiyama’s face be like :-o

He looks left and right before bringing the covers up on Kaneki’s head, shielding the world from the stubjob he’s about to receive. Lightning Mcqueen smirks.

Hide and Uta are staring from their place on bunk beds.

“What the fuck. Why don’t you ever do that to me.” Hide complains.

“You don’t have any stubs.”

“Oh yeah mr. krabs.” Hide moans., then begins rocking the bunk bed back and fourth.

“What are you doing?” Uta questions.

“WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU.” Hide claps three times. Uta joins in.

“ **WE WILL. WE WILL. ROCK YOU.** ” They both stomp and clap, the bunk bed is vibrating and slamming into the wall. 30 seconds later it collapses, the top part smashing down onto the bottom. Hide begins screaming and wildly looking around.

“SHIT!” Uta screams from underneath the top bunk. He begins banging the mattress above him, wanting OUT.

“Shit man shit man oh shit shit man oh shit dicks on a platter shit man.” Hide doesn’t know what to do, Uta is trapped. He tries to lift the bunk off him, but it’s too heavy. At this rate Uta will die.

Meanwhile, Tsukiyama tries to contain his moans as he becomes close to reaching his stubmax. He shoves his other hand in his mouth to quiet the indecent noises. This ones not exactly a stub, just a sad hand with disfigured tiny fingers. Tsukiyama fixes that by ripping those digits off, consuming them to shut himself up. He chews just as he reaches his peak.

“FORTISIMOMOOOOOOO.” Tsukiyam’s is trying to even his breathing when a hand taps his shoulder.

“Excuse me, but you’re disrupting the other passengers.” The Jordans Furniture employee states.

Kaneki pops his head out from the blankets and inspects the newcomer.

“Aren’t you Hide’s friend?”

The man scoffs, reaching a hand up to fix his glasses.

“I’d rather go with acquaintance.” He shivers, even thinking of the blonde is terrifying.

“Oh, well, I’m Hide’s best friend, Kanaka Kan.” Kiniki removes the stub from his mouth and reaches it out to shake with.

“Nishiki…” Nishiki weakly grips the stub and shakes it firmly, then slaps it out of the others hand. It goes flying across the room, somehow slipping inbetween the bunks and slapping Uta in the face, who is still trapped.

“SHIT!”

Everyone chooses to ignore that.

“Well anyways, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” Nishiki declares.

“But we need to buy a couch!!!! AND A ROOF!” Tsukiyama shouts.

“LMAO. I don’t care, get rekt.”

Tsukiyama is angry. He stands and his kagune slowly begins _unravel_ ing from his shoulder.

“Bonjour.” Hinami whispers. A gunshot rings out. She doesn’t have eyes. Trust no one, not even froggle.

As Nishiki slowly falls to the floor, Mmmhh Whatcha Say begins playing from the stores speakers.

“What the dink is that noise?” Kaneki is ignored.

Hinami is gone as quickly as she came, the only trace of her being the blood pooling from the Jordans Furniture workers wound.

Tsukiyama stares, astonished, as Nishiki weakly sits up. He struggles to get back into a standing position but eventually manages it.

“Not….” He’s breathing heavily. “Not.. cool bro.”

“What’s not cool is asking us to leave! We need to purchase a canapé.”

Nishiki’s eyebrow twitches, and slowly his kagune shows itself between its legs.

“Oh, so you’re a bikaku.” Kaneki says, mostly to himself.

“Aha, no.” He turns around, showing that his kagune is coming from his ass. “I’m an asskaku.”

“What? No. You’re a bikaku?” Everything Kaneki once knew is meaningless, hes so confused.

Nishiki retorts, “The only bi I am is bi-”

“Cycle.” Tsukiyama finishes.

Kaneki rests a hand on his lovers kagune, “Tsukiyama-san, that’s bisexual erasers.”

“Actually no, he’s right.” Nishiki begins animorphing into a bike.

Hime hime… hime… suki suki daisuki….

A very tall lizard man arrives and gets on the now transportation device Nishiki, “きも!”

“Sumimasen?”

The lizard man only unrolls his long tongue in return, bicycling away.

“Well.. that happened.” Tsukiyama puts his kagune away.

Nearby, Hide is mourning the (whatever number is anyone even keeping track)th death of Uta. Suzuya is playing My Heart will go On on his recorder shittily as a tear drips down his face.

Kaneki wishes there was a vase nearby he could smash in tribute for the once again dead ghoul.

“Well since hes dead now, let’s go find a couch.” Kaneki begins walking, Tsukiyama close behind. Somewhere else, Hinami.

Off they go. Squad minus Uta. They go in the opposite direction of the tire tracks and end up in the dining room furniture section.

Tsukiyama sprawls out on a large mahogany table, legs spread wide open, begging for entry.

Kaneki walks past him to look at a chair.

Tsukiyama hops onto the chair, somehow laying across it dramatically.

Kaneki keeps walking, ignoring the mans little show to inspect a rug.

Tsukiyama lays down on the rug, kinda like the big comfy couch clock scene but more promiscuous. He makes sure to pop open the first few buttons on his shirt.

“Are you gonna do this everytime?” Kaneki questions in a dull tone. He is so tired.

“Please notice me senpai.”

“やめてください.” Kaneki whispers.

“Woah, Kaneki, since when did you know spanish?” Hide pops in, amazement evident on his face.

The half ghoul rests both hands on his friends shoulders, staring him in the eyes. He prays that Hide will get the message, to just please stop, just stop, end this.

Hide raises an eyebrow, then realization dawns on him, and he starts leaning in.

This was not what Kaneki had in mind, but he isn’t complaining. He leans the rest of the way and meets Hide’s lips. Their moment is ruined all too soon as both of them are kicked behind the knees, they crash to the ground.

“whAT THE fuc K!”

Tsukiyama and Ayato stand there, fuming.

“WELL すめません FOR HAVING A GOOD TIME!” Kaneki screams.

“When did you get here?” Hide questions, gesturing to Ayato.

“You guys left me on the roof.”

“Haha pwned.”

Ayato whips his hair around to glare at Tsukiyama.

The hair punches Tsukiyama in the process.

"POUND THE FUCKING BODY."

“Nani the fuck was that for?!??!?!?!1/!?!” Tsukiyama yelled “The one who laughed was Hide!!?!?!?”

“It’s HIDE you french weaboo fuck.” Hide groans, as Tsukiyama pronounced it as the english hide yet again.

Ayato spins again, and the hair fist punches Hide.

KO blinks across the screen. Hide got knocked the fuck out.

“KO? Komaeda?” Kaneki wonders.

Tsukiyama lays a stub on Kaneki’s shoulder, “No, honey. No.”

Ayato begins headbanging and whipping his hair, thrashing wildly. Loud screamo is pumping from the speakers, he is opening the pit.

 

Ayato jumps around, shaking, arms flailing. The Jordans Furniture shakes around them. Just as the ghoul was just getting into it, he smashes his head against a table edge. Ayato falls to the floor, having knocked himself unconscious.

“Komaeda..” Kaneki whispers.

“Komaeda.” Tsukiyama confirms.

“Alright so Kakneeki, we gonna get that couch or what buddy boy huh pal?” Hide

“Right, yeah, okay.”

Kaneki looks up to hopefully see a sign that says couches, finding it to the right a little bit down. Off they go.

“Finally.” They did it, they finally found the thing they actually came here for.

Tsukiyama sits down on one, crossing his legs and resting his chin in his hands. Hide plops down on another, sinking into it. He is gone.

“We lost another one.” Kaneki comments.

Tsukiyama grunts.“It would appear so.”

Only Kaneki and Tsukiyama remained.

“This one looks nice.” Yams points to a bright neon green ass couch.

“No.”

“Ooohoo, how about this!” He gestures to a orange and yellow polka dot one.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Okay, but like, this couch tho.” Tsukiyama nods his head to just a singular cushion resting on the floor.

“That is the saddest couch I have ever seen.”

“Well shit.” There are no more couches in the Jordans Furniture store.

Just then a sign falls from the ceiling and whacks Tsukiyama on the head. He falls to the floor. Kaneki stares, astonished. The sign is for the MOM ride, indicating that it’s further up.

“Hooollllyyy shiiittttt.” Kaneki had never went to the MOM ride before, he was so excited. He grabbed Tsukiyamas Komaedaed body and drags him down the aisle to the door labeled Motion Odyssey Movie ride.

Kaneki throws him into the seat that is wet for some reason, did someone fucking piss on it?

“Its the Polar Express, oh fuck, oh fuck.” Kaneki pops a boner, which wakes Tsukiyama up quickly.

“Kaneki-kun, where are we?”

“The MOM ride motherfucker.”

“MOM ride? Why isn’t there a DAD ride?” The white haired boy only now notices the “meninist” shirt Tsukiyama is sporting.

“Shut the up off kid.”

The lights go out, the ride begins. The chairs begin vibrating and tilting forward, a nice man appearing on the screen telling you to get the fuck on the train cause its Christmas.

A chilly gust of air blows into their faces, mimicking the snowy wind blowing on screen.

“:-O” Goes Kaneki.

The seats begin moving every which way as the train goes through many obstacles. A tiny spray of water comes out through the thingies as the train backflips into a pond. Tsukiyamas seat ends up getting drenched.

“O h, so it wasn’t pee.”

Tsukiyama pisses his pants.

“Nevermind.”

Suddenly the chairs lurch forward, and Kaneki, who forgot to wear his seatbelt, goes lurching forward as well. He smashes into the screen, which then cracks and falls from the impact. Remember to always use your blinkers, kids.

The MOM ride is ruined, all the other 0 people who were there leave, pissed and go to go file a complaint. Tsukiyama unbuckles himself and gently taps Kaneki’s lifeless form with his shoe.

“Komaeda…”

Kaneki groans.

“You know,” Tsukiyama walks over and rips three of the MOM ride chairs from the ground. “We could use these as a couch.”

Kaneki stands next to him, perfectly fine. “That’s actually… a really good idea.”

Tsukiyama winks.

And so they exit the Jordans Furniture, having stolen the chairs, including the one dripping with pee thanks to Tsukiyama.

Uta is left forgotten under the bunk bed, Ayato unconscious and trapped in the pit, and I don’t really remember what happened to Hide but hes gone too.

Hinami pulls up in Uta’s car, hand pressed firmly on the horn.

“Get the fuck in my car.”

Kai is so fucking thankful, that Cherry didn’t use the “get in losers we’re going shopping” quote like they feared, because that is so overdone and kai is so very tired.

Cherrry thought about it but would never use it. They love themselves.

Kai punchse cherry in the throat.

cherry gets punched and cries

Tsukiyama places the chairs on the top of the car and he and Kaneki climb into the car.

“GO.”

“Go?”

“G O.”

Hinami floors it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok but real talk my first time going to the mom ride i accidentally sat in a fukckign soaking wet seat and i thought someone peed in it and was like oh fcuk, but then i realized it was water like halfway through the ride when the things started sprayin misty water at us, except it was a lot more water on my seat for some reason like wtf -kai


	7. Omake: In Paris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they go to paris

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://memedong.tumblr.com/post/110314979493 please

 おまけ: they in paris apparentlyばかばかばかばかばか　なんだよ

* * *

 

A knock on the front door roused Kaneki from his slumber. He groggily and froggily made his way downstairs and peeked through the doorknob. A smiling man stood on the other side, his smile becoming even more extravagant when Kaneki opened the door.

“CONGRATS, YOU JUST WON A TRIP TO THE BEAUTIFUL ISLAND OF MANDELINO”

“K.”

A few hours later and everyone was huddled on a plane. They weren’t even inside it just holding on to dear life on top. The train took a wrong turn though and they ended up in Paris. They were always going to end up in Paris I just wanted to reference the Even Stevens movie and see if anyone got it. oh fuck i just stuck my hand in goldfish crackers and can now only type w/ one hand

“Where are we?” Hinami questioned, having never been out of Tokyo.

“Mongolia.”

“What the fuck is a Mongolia.”

“I think its in Bangladesh?”

“No you’re thinking of Bulgaria.”

“Dangan Ronpa?”

Gyde opens his mouth and a funky jazz beat comes out.

“Please leave.” Hide whispers.

“Well now that we’re in Zimbabwe-”

“Zimbabwe more like Zimba _bae_.” Tsukiyama gently rests a stub on Kaneki’s hand, smiling fondly.

“Like I was saying, let go.” Hinami mackles.

“Let go?”  
  
“Let go.”

The boat almost smashes into the Eiffel Tower.

“Ren, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore…” Uta whispers.

“Wrong anime dude.” Hude adds.

“SHIT!!”

“Alright you dried up pile of memes lets e̗̦͍̬͕n͜ṯe̗̙͈r̛̗̘̠͕͍ ̘̲̻̯͎̯t̶̥̮͓̗͖͎ͅh̴͉̭e̳̯̼̻̟͢ ̴͕͍͖v̮͉̝ǫ͕̯i͙͙̮̬͡d̞̥͢” Hinami slides on her shutter shades.

They all pull out their own pairs and put them on. Uta stabs himself in the eye with them.

“SHIT!!”

The squad struts to the hotel.

“Ay yo we booked room.”

The clerk looks baffled. “Sir, why are you inverted.”

“Let’s skip the details honey we need room.” Hude flails his arms.

“Why is he here.” Hide thought he could finally have a decent vacation, but no.

The dude at the front desk clicks away on the computer, “I’m sorry to inform you sir, but there has been a mistake within the system.”

“Pardon.”

“The rooms you booked our already being occupied by other guests, we only have the love suite left.”

“What the fuck.” Hude was livid, he started glowing a brighter blue.

The cashier just shrugged, not really giving a fuck. It was the same shit as always.

“We’ll take it!” Tsukiyama pipes up, twirling a stub in his hair.

“Okie dokie.” And it is done. The squad waddles over to the elevator after getting the key to the room and all manage to somehow squeeze in there together.

Due to the lack of room, they all (just Hide actually) vote to shove Hude and Gyde out of the elevator and head up first.

“GO.”

Hinami slams her body into the buttons. She accidentally hits the emergency one, lights begin flashing and the doors freeze.

“....GO!”

They book it and use the stairs. It is a long treacherous climb, their room is on floor 14.

“I’m not… gonna make it…” Tsukiyama complains.

“We’re only on the first floor.”

“Leave me here to die.”

“Well if you insist.” Everyone continues walking, Tsukiyama lays at the bottom of the staircase, covered in piss.

Kaneki unlocks the door to the suite. The bed is a giant heart, the walls are pink, and rose petals litter the floor.

“So how’s this gonna work out?”

“Ah hem, I have a proposal.”

Kaneki raises an eyebrow, “I thought we left you at the bottom of the stairs.”

Tsukiyama kicks up his foot, to show off his heelys. “I have other means of transportation!”

Hide throws his shit in the closet, why did he pack so many bags?

The ghoul continues, “I think Kaneki-kun and I should sleep in the bed.”

“Oh.” Kaneki doesn’t really mind, he just wants to get a good nights rest.

“Ahahah ha hah ha, ah ha ha, actually, buddy.” Hide wraps an arm around Tsukiyama’s shoulders, “I had the same idea. So.”

Hide and Tsukiyama begin fistfighting. Ayato takes this moment take the bed for himself and Kaneki.

Hinami marches over and plops right in the middle of the bed.

“No way in hell am I sleeping anywhere but the bed. I’m sharing with onii-chan and onee-chan’s onii-chan.”

“Rad.” MANEKEI .nods

“Onee-chan’s onii-chan? Is that some bdsm thing?” Ayato questions.

Hinami nods.

“SINCE WHEN THE FUCK DID GOTH DONALD DUCK GET HERE?” Hide screams, blood stains his face from the fight, Tsukiyama is nowhere to be seen.

Kaneki shrugs, “I’m not sure. Hide, you and Tsukiyama will sleep in the bathroom.”

“Wtf the fuck.”

“I’ll give you a stubjob if you cooporate.”

Hide looks down at his tiny tiny hands, “I don’t even have a stub.”

“Learn.”

“Wh-”

“Learn.”  And with that, Kaneki backflipped out the window, wanting to get some fresh air. He lands in front of some cafe, its in French, everything is in French.

“I can’t read this shit.” Kaneki stares blankly at the sign.

“Allow me to help.” Tsukiyama enters.

Kaneki can’t help but notice he looks beautiful in the French light. “Okay, well, what does that street sign say.”

He stares, eyes focusing on the sign, a full minute goes by before, “I don’t know.”

Kaneki gawks, “I thought you knew french?!?”

“Bro I can’t even count to ten.”

“CHrIst.”

Tsukiyama shrugs, “How about we take a stroll around then? Paris is a lovely place.”

The other thinks the offer over, “That sounds nice.”

They walk around for a little while, passing foreign shops and tourists. Eventually they end up at a park. There’s a large pond in the center of it, with stone paths winding all around. Lush trees here and there.

“I like this place, I should read here sometime.” Kaneki ponders aloud.

“Well considering we’ll probably not be in Paris again anytime soon, I think that’ll be a little hard to do.”

“Shut.”

The walk on in silence, occasionally bumping shoulders or brushing hands. But then Kaneki notices Tsukiyama’s presence has disappeared from beside him, he turns around.

“Tsukiyama-san?”

The man in question is on the ground, face pale. He fainted.

“Tsukiyama-san?!?!??!” Kaneki rushes over to his side, holding up his limp body. Suddenly he feels bile rising to his throat. He stumbles backwards and starts throwing up everywhere, in the park, in Paris.

Tsukiyama is still passed out as Kaneki runs back and forth, still puking everywhere. It’s a fucking mess.

“Hey guys hows it go- Oh. Wow.” Hide awkwardly watches Kaneki running around, still vomiting while Tsukiyama finally ascends.

“What’s the french number for 911. Is it still 911. What do I do here.” Hide stares at his phone for a minute before slowing inserting it into his mouth for safe keeping. The cops will appear. Probably.

Hide hears faint mutters of “tch tch tch tch tch tch” getting closer to him. He is afraid.

Touka slams into the park and kicks Kaneki right in the neck. Hide looks in awe.

“I thought you were dead.”

“And I thought you were bright blue.”

“Wrong Nagachika.”

“Tch.”

Hide looks her over and finally asked what everyone was thinking. “What’s with the uniform??”

“I’m the police. In France.”

“Who the fuck let this happen.” Hip is perplexed.

Touka’s eyes widen in shock, “Didn’t you know, a mosquito's wings beat 300-600 times per second.”

Hide shifts to one foot uncomfortably. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“All mosquitoes require water to breed. Some species can breed in puddles left after a rainstorm.” Touka replies.

“Thats… thats nice…”

“Oi, Honey bees communicate with one another by dancing. More on their awesome sense of time, communication of distance and direction in "[The Awesome Honeybee Dance](http://www.benefits-of-honey.com/honeybee-dance.html)".”

Ayato makes his appearance, a cocky grin on his face.

“Oooohhh, he added a link, that’s good.” Comments Hide from the sidelines.

Touka cracks her knuckles, “An adult mosquito may live 5-6 months. Few probably make it that long, given our tendency to slap them silly when they land on us. But in the right circumstances, an adult mosquito has quite a long life expectancy, as bugs go.”

“Do mosquitoes even land on ghouls? Isn’t your blood different from humans or some shit?” Hide should do some research.

“"If the bee disappears from the surface of the earth, man would have no more than four years to live?"

~ Albert Einstein”

“Who the fuck is Albert Einstein???”

“Isn’t he one of those singing chipmunks?”

“I think so.”

“Huh.”

Tsukiyama finally rises, his face is still pale, eyes half lidded, “Wh…. what happened? Where’s Kaneki?”

“T-touka! Did you find the- Oh dear.”

Yoriko runs up, looking over the scene. Touka and Ayato were still yelling facts back and forth at each other, Kaneki was in a tree for some reason, Tsukiyama was getting up before he slipped in vomit and slammed back down, knocking himself out again. Komaeda.

“This is quite the shituation going on here.” She sighs. Better start with Touka and Ayato.

Yoriko marches over to Touka and grabs her face. “Alright babe time to stop.”

“Yoriko, Mosquitoes hibernate. They are cold-blooded and prefer temperatures over 80 degrees. At temperatures less than 50 degrees, they shut down for the winter. The adult females of some species find holes where they wait for warmer weather, while others lay their eggs in freezing water and die. The eggs keep until the temperatures rise, and they can hatch.” Touka whispers, and Yoriko shudders.

“Babe u know not to do this in public.”

Touka wraps her arms around Yoriko, pulling her close. “Mosquitoes can't fly very far or very fast. Most mosquitoes can fly no more than about one to three miles, and often stay within several hundred feet of where they were hatched. However, a few salt marsh species can travel up to 40 miles. The top speed for a mosquito is about 1.5 miles per hour.”

Yoriko moans.

“Mosquitoes feed day and night. Some species, like the Aedes are daytime biters, while others, like Culex, start biting at dusk and continue a few hours into dark.”

Yoriko stops her and they begin feverishly making out.

“Holy shit Hide, she has a mosquito fact kink. Why can’t Kaneki have a bee fact kink. Why can’t anyone have a bee fact kink.” Ayato groans.

“I do.” Hide states, glancing down at the raging erection visible from the front of his jens.

Ayato turns to look at him. Hide does the same. They fling at each other full speed, beginning to make out just as hard as the girlfriends nearby, one of which was suddenly missing half her clothes.

Touka yanks up Yoriko bridal style and begins jumping away over buildings.

Tsukiyama once again tries to get up, but yet again slips and knocks himself out. Dumbass.

hold on i m puttng on lotion

nice

my hands werer dry ok lets

Kaneki is nowhere to be seen also.

Back at the hotel, Hinami and Uta play a game of cards on the bed.

“Got any fish?”

“Nah.”

Hinami’s eyebrows draw together, “Well fuck you then.” She throws the cards to the floor, pissed.

“Don’t hate me cause you ain’t me.” Uta shrugs, a lot of people have shrugged in this chapter compared to other chapters, or maybe its not that prominent and I'm only noticing it due to me being the one writing it.

Hinami froggles over to the closet, a gasp escapes her lips at what she sees.

Uta appears over her shoulder, “SHIT!!”

Hinami unravels the dance dance revolution mat, plugging it into the tv. She props a piece of pocky in her mouth and starts up the song. Uta ready in position next to her.

“You’re going down you piece of shit furry.”

Hinami whips her head around at the accusation, “Furry??”

“I know the real reason you requested that bird mask…” Uta retorts.

“I see I’ve been found out.” The conversation ends there as Sandstorm begins, the arrows sliding up the screen.

“I’m starting 6th grade next week.”

“Darude- sandstorm”

“Epic.”

By the time the rest of the gang gets back to the hotel, Tsukiyama still pale, drenched in Kaneki’s puke, Kaneki shivering, thats it. No one else came back.

They find Hinami and Uta still going at it, feet moving a mile a minute. The girl accidentally picked the ten hour version of Sandstorm.

Suzuya is sitting on the bed watching them both go hard to Darude- sandstorm.

“Alright well imma go shove the Eiffel Tower up my ass.” Tsukiyama states, before swiftly exiting the room.

“Don’t get arrested.”

“I’m pretty sure the cops here don’t actually do anything.”

“Tru.”

“lmao fuck this” Hinami shoots the T.V.

Uta stares in shock and horror, “SHIT!!”

“We did not just dance for 7 hours for you to shoot the tv small furry.”

Hinami turns her head slowly to Uta, “You are a sad strange little man.”

“You are a sand.”

Elsewhere, Hude and Gyde stare at the bank before them.  
  
“Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright yo you know the plan right”

Gyde makes fax machine noises.

“Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright  alright alright alright alright alright alright  alright alright alright alright alright alright  alright alright alright alright alright alright  alright alright alright alright alright alright  alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright”

Gyde bursts into flames.

“Less alright.”

Hude looks at the shopping list in his hand, the only thing on it is the word “muppets” which is underlined. He looks at the bank, then back to the paper, bank, to paper.

Gyde nods his head towards the doors, signalling for them to get a move on. Hude nods back at him, and in they go.

Hude takes out an axe. He smashes it on the desk, the woman on the other side jumping backwards.

“Put the money in the bagzinga.”

She looks at him in horror.

“I said. Put the money. In the bazanga.”

“...What bag?” She responds frenchily.

Hude looks down, the bagzinky is not in his hands. What the fuck.

“OH FUCK.” He realizes he forgot the basplinga in Tokyo. Gyde makes a break for it, ditching Hude to fend on his own.

Hude stares at his hands longer, wondering how he could have forgotten the baspacho in Tok.

Hude feels a tap on his shoulder, and turns around to face Sheldor, the new pope. The newest pope hands Hude one of his own baslplingers.

The glowing man can feel a tear drip down his face.

“Arigatou pope-san.”

He turns back towards the horrified lady. “Put the money in the bagssango.”

Shakily she puts the foreign currency in the boponger. Hude smiles, then frowns, realizing that he won’t be able to use this back home.

“Actually nevermind.” He drops the balunga, and leaves the bank. (AN: my boobs like great in this bra rn) Hude decides to try and find Gyde, since it’s never good to leave him alone for long.

Back in the hotel, the ddr machine left ignored in the corner, Kaneki, Uta, and Hinami all sit on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Now what?” Uta screams.

“Paris isn’t really what I made it out to be.” Adds Kaneki.

Hinami chimes in with, “Maybe that’s because you’re a little bitch.”

“SHIT!!”

If they were to look out the window, they would see Tsukiyama halfway down the Eiffel Tower, the top half of it lodged in his ass.

Rugrats in paris was a good movie.

 

PARIS: DAY TWO

Hide and Ayato walk in hours later with ripped clothes, looking like they just rolled through a dirty alley.

“Where the hell have you two been??” Kaneki questioned, raising an eyebrow at both of their current states. He swivels around in his large blinding pink heart shaped armchair to stare at them.

“Kaneki were you waiting there all night for us?” Hide asks, glancing at the clock reading 5 am.

“Bitch I might have.”

“Wow haha you have no life.” Ayato chortles and nudges Hide.

“Sweetie, you are literally so out of line it’s fucking unbelievable. i could drag you so hard right now but i know you’ll just end up crying. i’ve roasted you before and you know it. chances are you’ll just say i bullied you because you’re gay and have different skin. talk shit get hit, you don’t wanna mess with me kiddo; i’ve got a black belt.

i know threats are fucked up but that’s all i’ve been receiving all day, probably from her royal hoodrat olive and all of her nasty friends. but you can gang up on me and make fun of me for being goth all you want. i’ve been hurt a lot. my first boyfriend cheated on me, my dad screams if i forget to do my chores, and there are some days i don’t even want to get out of bed in the mornings.

i’m a jaded teenage girl. i’ve been through shit that you wouldn’t even dream of. you think your life is hard? try asking the cutest guy in your grade out in the middle of the cafeteria only to find out he has a fucking girlfriend. you don’t know my life or my story so keep my name out of your nasty mouth. life is a battlefield and it looks like i’ve already won.”

Kaneki face is just asking for one of them to say another word. He angrily points to the bathroom, where they’ll stay until their grounding is over. The boys trudge into the small space, Ayato plopping down on the closet toilet, Hide flopping into the empty bathtub.

“I was supposed to sleep in the bed.”

“That’s rough buddy.”

They’re both quiet for a minute before Ayato speaks again.

“... did you know every 3rd mouthful of food is produced by bees pollinating crops. Flowering plants rely on bees for pollination so that they can produce fruit and seeds. Without bees pollinating these plants, there would not be very many fruits or vegetables to eat.”

Hide grabs Ayato and pulls him into the bathtub.

“Pollinate me.” The blonde breathes huskily.

“With pleasure.” Ayato dives into him, both happy that they have gotten over Kaneki and found each other.

Kankei groans on the other side of the door, putting them together was probably not a good idea, considering Hide was Ayato’s little bed bug.

Suddenly the main door to the room opens, in comes Tsukiyama, he is not wearing pants.

“You look like a mess.”

“You try having an entire building thrusted inside you.”

“Touché”

Tsukiyama plops down onto the bed and huffs, god is he tired.

“Here’s a shocking development for you, Hide and-” Kaneki is interrupted by a loud moan, followed by a faint buzzing.

He continues, “That. That’s a thing now.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you.” Tsukiyama stares into the camera like in the office, gaze burning holes in Kai and Cherry.

“Who knows, but I guess that means we have the bed to ourselves.”

Before Kaneki can make any moves on Tsukiyama, he passes the fuck out. Kaneki stares at him for a minute before backflipping out of the room. Maybe he can hunt down Uta and find something interesting to do.

4 hours pass. Kaneki finally finds Uta in a french playground. He is lazily dangling on a swing, the only one there.

“Hey buddy.” Kaneki sits adjacent to him, lightly swinging himself.

Uta grunts, lightly kicking at the sand(storm- darude) by his feet.

“Okay.” The white haired ghoul mumbles after not getting a response.

“…. oh. I’m sorry. I’ll just sit in that corner over there…“ Uta sulks and grows mushrooms on his back.

Kaneki regrets the decision to find Uta.

“Did you know-”

“If you start spouting off facts about literally anything I am going to shove my entire leg down your throat.”

Uta goes quiet. More mushrooms begin sprouting and Kaneki shudders slightly. Fuckin weird.

Unfortunately for Uta, Gyde’s favorite food is mushrooms. He jumps out of the bushes and hurriedly approaches the man walkin like

and jumps on Uta’s back. It’s pretty much a reenactment of ayato ripping out toukas kagune so imagine that but w/ mushrooms.

When Gyde finishes feasting, he sinks back into the bushes. Uta is left a shivering mess on the ground. Kaneki tuned the entire ordeal out.

“So, what are you even doing here?”

“WELL,” Uta starts, “I originally came here to thrash anuses.”

“Oh, how’d that work out?” Kaneki cracks a knuckle.

“The playground was deserted when I got here, so, swings.”

“I would’ve come to the same conclusion.”

Kaneki proceeds to bodyslam himself onto the other swing, like that shit u used to do as a kid where you swung on your stomach only. You know. Bodyslam.

The chains holding the swing up can’t take it and break, causing Kaneki to slam into the ground, knocking himself out.

Hinami crawls out of the bushes holding Gyde’s severed fingers, grabbing Kaneki by the legs and beginning to drag him back towards the hotel.

Uta stops Hinamu, “Meat for boy.”

“That wasn’t part of the deal, Uta.” Hinami spits out.

“Meat for boy.” He begins applying his chunky dunk hydrating lippie.

Hinami roundhouse kicks the other to the face, takes the Kaneki and runs.

“SHIT!!”

A few moments later, Uta mutters to himself, “Meat.. for boy.”

Hinami will pay for this. They all do. She will pay. In Paris.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they feast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also please fucking look @ this drawing of hude hide and gyde thanks to tumblr user animesquid
> 
> http://memedong.tumblr.com/post/110669164433
> 
> im fuc kc cing G

“Here we are, still in Paris.”

“Kaneki-kun I think we should leave.”

“But what about the-”

“K҉a͚͎̠͙͢n͙͚̠͜e̼̺̺͍̻̭̣k͞ì̮͚-̹̹k̪̜̖̯͔̟ͅư̻̬̺nͅ ̝͍̱ͅI̱̭̝̦͓͓̼ ͈̣̻̞͍͍̠͝t̤͈̣͉̱͠h͓̙̩͉̪͞i̷͔̣̙͚̯̩̭n͎͙̦̯̝k͚̜̠̯͈ ̷̣̱̫w̥̮̜̬̬̬̳͝e ̖͇̗̲̥s̵̞̰̞̝h͉͇̲̕o̦̟͔̩͟u̗̮̘̫l͚̞d͙ ͞l̡̮̪e̻̬̟̟̦̕a̹͇̪̠̘̪̯v̸̝̤e͙.̬̝”

So they do. They pump air into Gyde like a cool balloon and use him to fly back to Tik Tokyo. People begin to freak out and think there’s a second sun due to his yellow brightness.

When they get back everyone goes home cause they tired as shit. Tsukiyama dramatically flops down on the makeshift MOM ride chair couch, the end seat still soaking wet with pee.

“Tsukiyama-san, how do you feel about the worm pit?”

“The worm pit?”

"The worm pit."

"I don't-"

“You know, the worm pit. The worm pit.”

“Kaneki-kun repeating ‘the worm pit’ over and over won't help me comprehend its meaning.”

“But like. Its the worm pit.”

“... I see.”

Ayato is still there for some reason. He begins headbanging.

Tsukiyama’s eyes widen, “Is.. Is that the worm pit?” He gestures to the thrashing Ayato.

“NO.” Kaneki screams, promptly shoving the preteen out of his house.

The half ghoul joins the other on the couch, both sit silently staring forward. They had the house to themselves…

Tsukiyama makes an obviously fake yawn, doing the arm stretch over Kaneki’s shoulder thing you see in all the old movies. It probably would've been more romantic if he had hands.

Kaneki’s eyes are locked on the stub on his shoulder.

“Mom holy fuck.”

“I thought your mom was dead.”

“FUck off Kai.”

“Who’s Kai.”

Kaneki stares at the screen like in the office.

Tsukiyama slowly retracts his stubby little arm, slightly worried about Kaneki.

“Kaneki-kun I think all that vomiting back in Paris is taking a toll on you.”

“Shut the fuck.”

Suddenly there was a knock on the door, which means shits gonna go down.

Tsukiyama gets up and opens it, there stood a guy with slicked back blonde hair, wearing a suit, and had a lot of eyeliner and eyeshadow.

“I’m here for the worm pit.”

Tsukiyama looks taken aback, “Excusez moi?”

“I said,” he cracks a knuckle, “I’m here for the worm pit. Also what the fuck was that, speak english.”

“We’re in Japan.”

Naki punches Tsukiyama in the face.

“Naki holy fuck.” Whispers Kaneki, even though he had no idea who this man was.

“Kaneki how can you not know who this is.” questions Tsukiyama, reading his mind apparently. Tsukiyama doesn't know who he is either.

“Well sumimasen, Tsukiyama-san.”

Their quarrel is interrupted by Naki unceremoniously dropping his many suitcases on the ground. “So where’s my room?”

“Huh?”

“Where am I gonna be sleepin’?

Tsukiyama’s hair twitches, “Are you telling me you’ll be living here?!”

“I said I was here for the worm pit.” Naki states, simple as that.

Kaneki clears his throat, “He does have a point… up the stairs, first room on the left.”

Naki soars upwards through the roof to his room.

“We never got that new roof at Jordans.”

“Whoops.”

Tsukiyama tsks and goes into the kitchen to make coffee, Kaneki trailing after him and sitting at the table. The other spins the little rack with all the different blends, noticing a hot chocolate packet.

“Why’s this here? We can’t..”

Kaneki shrugs, “Lets try it.”

“Okay.”

They heat up the water then dump the powder in, clinking mugs before each taking a sip. Kaneki spits it out all over Tsukiyamas face, who responds by punching the wall in anger.

“Dégoûtant!” He screams, smashing the mug against his face repeatedly, blood dripping down onto the tile below.

“Shuu please calm down!” Kaneki goes to grab his arm, then freezes after realizing his mistake.

“Did you just call me a fucking shoe.”

“I…. I uh… a-ano… eto…”

Then, Cherry’s head begins leaking out of the gaping hole in the wall from Tsukiyama’s punch. They both scream, Kaneki pours his scalding hot hot chocolate on their face.

“GeT IT AWAY OH MY GOD” Kaneki screams, throwing the mug or whatever the fuck he had the hot chocolate in into Tsukiyama’s eyes.

Both are shriveling heaps on the ground. Kai pops out of Cherry and together they turn all the ghouls into humans for the rest of the chapter because they need something to write about. Boom.

When Tsukiyama wakes up, the strange children are gone. He shudders. Thank the pope.

He crawls out of the basploger and looks for Kaneki, who’s in the kitchen eating a slice of pizza and sobbing.

“Kaneki-kun? What are you doing?”

“It… it tastes like it used to.” A tear rolls down his cheek.”

“Nani the fuck??” Tsukiyama takes the slice from Kaneki’s hands and takes a bite, raising an eyebrow.

He ignores the sounds of Kai somewhere becoming one with dubstep apparentl?y? Someone is calling 119.

“It doesn’t kill me.” He begins shoving all the pizza in his mouth at once like Hisoka at the wedding reception. Even going as far as eating the pizza box. Kanae would be so jealous and proud.

“Is it just with pizza.. or..?”

“We have to find out.”

Tsukiyama bolts to the fridge and takes out the chocolate cake they had for some reason. It is a really big cake. Like, yaoi sized.

“Do you want me to take the first bite?” Kaneki asks, sweat building up near his forehead.

“Non.. I can handle this.”

Tsukiyama dives in with his bare hands, pretty must reenacting that one scene from Matilda.

“Cherrps holy fuck.” Kaneki whispers as Tsukiyama begins stuffing his mouth once again, giving Kaneki more flashbacks to the wedding reception with Hisoka and his rubber bands.

“I’m not dead.” Tsukiyama gasps.

Kaneki flings open the fridge and grabs out one of those burgers Hide always leaves them for some reason. He shoves it all in his mouth, looking like one of those hamsters or some shit. You know the one rodent things with the fat cheeks. Yeah.

Hinami struts into the room, wearing the coat from Mado back in like chapter one. “Hoeooeoheoohoe.”

Kaneki and Tsukiyama look at each other, then back at Hinami, then back to each other again. Apparently both of them have the same collective thought since they both proceed to spit out all the food currently in their mouths.

“THIS IS SO GROSS WOW.”

“HAHA PRETTY STUPID OF US TO TRY AND EAT HUMAN FOOD.”

Hinami raises a sleeve, then puts it back down.

“Fucking baka’s.” She grabs the car keys off the table and leaves.

It’s silent for a good 30 seconds before Tsukiyama grips Kaneki by the shoulders, whispering in a dire tone, “We cannot tell anybody else about this.”

“I agree, that way we can eat all the food to ourselves.”

They laugh evilly together, Kaneki taking out as many take-out menu’s as possible and Tsukiyama grabbing the phone.

Kaneki slams down the take out menus.

“Grocery store.”

“OOHohooeooheooohoeooeohoeohoeoheohoeohoeohoeooehooeohoeoooehhoneonoenhoe”

“Come on pepe we gotta rob winn dixie” Kaneki says, grabbing the keys and a baslgongner

“I thought Winn Dixie was just that dog from the movie. And wasn’t Hinami pepe?”

“Stop asking questions and get in the car pepe.”

They both barrel into the- hinami still had the car.

“How’d you grab the keys if Hinami grabbed them only moments before.”

“I said stop asking fucking questions pepe.”

They speed to the shaws supermarket down the street, not even parking the car just jumping out while its still going. It crashes into another car.

Kai finishes chewing on the cherry airhead in their mouth, not to be confused with the other author of this fic, who is Cherry and is also an airhead.

Cherry is offended still.

Kai wants pepe to shut up.

#cherry flavored lube for a cherry flavored ass

bad things will happen if you kiss that shark cherry, bad things

thats not very beautiful kai

Kaneki and Tsukiyama smash through the door, glass shattering everywhere.

“REMEMBER US?” The full ghoul shouts, except no, no one there remembers either of them. This is the first time they’ve been there.

kAN

Kaneki drops onto all fours and begins galloping to the frozens section. The workers scream and scatter, reminding the pair of Uta and his vase shattering scattering habits.

Tsukiyama grabs his skateboard and follows Kaneki to the precious food. Rad.

He skates past the bakery, causing the ovens or whatevers back there to burst into flames, beginning to engulf the store in flames. He’s noticing a pattern here.

“Kaneki-kun, is it just me or does any store we go to end up on fire?”

“GO.”

“Go?”

“GO.”

Kaneki gallops faster into the frozens isle and crashes through the glass doors and into the bagel bites. Tsukiyama sighs at Kaneki’s gracelessness.

“Now now Kaneki-kun, that wasn’t very cash monie of you.” He chided. He would be wiggling a finger disapprovingly if he had any. Instead he just kinda wiggles the stub at Kaneki.

Note: cherry fucking loves bagel bites. buy them tons. t o n s.

Kaneki ignores him and rips open the bag, bagel bites flying in all directions from the intensity.

“Wait shit you’re supposed to cook these.” He crouches down and slowly begins placing the dispersed bagel bites back into the bag.

Meanwhile, Tsukiyama gets a running start before doin a sick nasty 360 kickflip onto the top of the frozen food section, skating down.

 

“Gnarly shreddin dude.” Kaneki comments.

“That’s surfer talk man. Wrong thing.”

“Oh.” Boy he is embarrassed. Lucky for him he doesn’t have to worry about it long as Tsukiyama quickly approaches a sign dangling from the ceiling, signaling the direction of the paper towels.

“SMASH.” He whacks his head against it, falling down and landing limply against the floor. The skateboard slowly rolls away.

“Rip in piss Tsukiyama-san.” Kaneki struts over and kneels to look at him.

“Kaneki… ku. n” Tsukiyama weakly gasps out, “There isn’t any piss here though.”

“I can fix that,” Shouts Uta, who is suddenly there.

He begins pulling down his pants, “SHIT!!”

“Please don’t shit on me.” Tsukiyama’s eyes widen in fear.

Hinami shatters through the roof, gun in hand. Her eyes lock onto Uta, her target. With his skrillex like looks, hes easy to spot. She licks her lips and aims the gun at Uta’s dick.

“Finally… revenge for the death of my one true love, Mado.” Hinami’s even wearing the coat she stole from him. A single tear drips from her cheek. The hands dangling from her ears wipe them away quickly for her.

“SHIT!!” Uta screams, falling over and trying to crab walk away from the upset girl with a gun.

She locks her aim and pulls the trigger, time switching into slow motion. Over the speakers, they hear a static-y version of mmm whatcha say beginning to play, signaling Uta’s oncoming demise.

Kaneki stares as the slow motion breaks, Hinami’s aim spot on as always. Uta begins screaming, his dick is fully gone.

Hinami does that rad thing with the gun where she spins it around her finger and puts it away. She looks rather proud as she grabs Uta by the legs and begins dragging him towards the fire thats still spreading.

“Well, anyways.” Kaneki clears this throat, turning to Tsukiyama whos curled up on the ground.

“Any specific foods you’ve always wanted to try now that we can?”

“Italian. Actual real gourmet italian.”

“Well unless you wanna get a quick job as a prostitute we don’t got the money for that buddy.”

“French food?”

“Shoulda got some while we were in Paris.”

“Mmmhhhhh….” Tsukiyama begins to stand up, “I want an Icee.”

“That’ll be easy, but what are we doing here then? That’d be at 7-11 or some shit.”

So they leave the Roche Brothers, left a crumbling mess due to the fire.

“I didn’t know we had 7-11.”

“We do now.”

Kaneki turns towards where Hinami is burning Uta. “Wanna come with?”

“MMMMMmmm why not.” She slips on her shades and Tsukiyama and Kaneki do the same. Squad.

The hands on Hinami’s ears hand over the car keys. “Let’s go kids.”

“We’re both older than you.” Tsukiayam reminds her. Hinami turns to stare at him.

“Let’s. Go. Kids.”

Tsukiyama be like

 

They enter the car. Hinami starts it up and promptly drives it into a nearby tree.

“Oi.” Kaneki gets out of the anime corgi line and slams the door shut, he is pissed.

Tsukiyama follows behind, muttering about having to get to japanese 7-11, he jumps on Kaneki’s back, off they go.

Piggybacking the other to the convenience store, Kaneki quickly notices when Tsukiyama pees on him.

“Thats the fifth time this week!” He shouts, enraged. This was such a good shirt too.

“I can fix this issue.” Hinami offers, reaching for her gun as they enter the 7-11.

“There won’t be any of that in here lil missy.” All heads turn to stare at the guy workin the register. A long tongue peaks out of his mouth to trace over his sharp pointed teeth, a smirk appearing on his lips.

“Who the fuck cut your hair? What the fuck is that even supposed to be, like a weird bowl cut mullet mixture?? With a centimeter of bangs dangling down in the center?? What the f cu ck?”

“OKAY FIRST OF ALL,” The orange haired worker shouts, leaping over the counter, “AND SECOND OF ALL,” He punches Kaneki in the face.

Kaneki stumbles backwards into the DVD rack, holding his bloody nose, “Bro…”

“arA ARA ARA ARA ARAR AR AR AR RARRARAR AR RAARARA RARARA ARARA RARA” The man shouts, wildly flailing and flexing. “‘EY COOKIE, CLEANUP AISLE FOUR.”

Another man pops up from under the counter, “That’s the DVD rack you fucking imbecile not an aisle.” He slowly sinks back below the counter.

“Okay, wow.” Shirazu is very offended.

Kaneki tackles him to the ground, “GET THE SLUSHIES AND RUN.” He screams to his comrades.

Hinami uses Tsukiyama’s face as a launch pad and harpoons herself towards the slushies. The other following soon after, they grab as many cups as they can carry and start filling them all. Kaneki continues punching Shirazu in the face while Urie tchs under the counter.

“What the hell is going on here?” In storms a person from one of the back rooms, he wears a manager pin, oh shit.

Everyone turns to look at the newcomer, freezing, like the slushies. Kaneki’s face pales and he stands up, approaching the manager.

They stare at each other in bewilderment, “You look just like me.” Kaneki breaks the silence.

“Holy shit.” Haise whispers.


	9. Chapter 9

“So why exactly did you invite him to stay with us?” Kaneki asks, tapping his foot impatiently.

“Well,” Tsukiyama begins, “After he told us his story of having to sleep in the managers closet in that 7-11 for weeks after his house, which was conveniently located right next to the walmart might I add, burnt down, I felt bad for the kid.”

“Well no shit you would, considering its your fucking fault the fire spread to his home in the first place!”

“Kaneki-kun, I think we all know who was responsible for the fire that night.” Tsukiyama gives the half ghoul a knowing look, followed by a smirk.

Kaneki raises an eyebrow, “What are you talking about, it was you. You lit walmart on fire.”

“Ahaha, ok but, we all know who was really responsible for it.”

"You? You were responsible."

"But Kaneki-kun, I _think_ we _all know_ who was _really_ responsible for the fire."

“TSUKIYAMA I LITERALLY SAW YOU WITH MY OWN TWO EYES PICK UP JUG AFTER JUG OF GASOLINE AND DUMP ‘EM EVERYWHERE. THEN HINAMI LIT THE MATCH.”

The purple haired man took a step back and put his hands up in the universal drake parker ‘just take it easy man’ gesture. “Woah, no need for caps lock, it looks shitty in the fic, like it was written by a 13 year old or somethin, use bold if you wanna make a point next time.”

Kaneki flips him off then flips away, promptly smashing into Haise.

“Thank you for letting me stay here,” he bows his head, “I really appreciate it.”

“I-Its not like I wanted to or anything…” Kaneki begins.

Suddenly Haise’s head whips up, soulless eyes staring straight ahead. “Destroy Love Live.”

“Excuse me?”

“ **Destroy. Love. Live.** ” Haise’s head droops back down, the color returning to him as if that didn’t just happen.

“So like I was saying, this really means a lot to me.”

“Uh. Yeah.” Kaneki responds nervously, wondering what the fuck that was about. WHat the fuck was Love Live?? Isn’t that something Hinami plays? And why does Haise want it destroyed? It is a mystery.

Hinami himmles in doin the cha cha slide

Hinami himmles out doin the cha cha slide

Hais goes back to his room, leaving Kaneki stunned and confused. Hes about to retreat to his own room when another door opens, Naki walking out.

“Oh yeah, I forgot you were staying here too.”

Naki makes the chh chch click noise like nick from jimmy neutron, “worm pit” then shoots up some double pistols, swiftly going down the stairs.

Kaneki digs a hole, “I’ll just stay in here until the weeks up.”

He hears the distant sounds of Hinami screaming something about a combo, followed by gunshots.

“Onie-chan, I need a new phone!” She yells, opening up her bedroom door.

Kaneki be like

 

“Well Kaneki-kun, seems that we need to go buy a new phone for Froggle-chan.” Tsukiyama mackles, waving his gummy worm kagune around, smashing it into the cabinet and breaking all of the kitchen at once.

“Le’ts go to japanese Best Buy!” Tsukiyama exclaims cheerily.

Meanwhile, Kaneki can’t stop staring at his arm. “What the fuck is that, it looks like a flaccid dong.”

“Why, Kaneki-kun, this is my kagune.” Tsukiyama quickly turns, flailing it around and smashing more of the poor ruined kitchen-san.

“Stop waving the dick arm at me, its weird.” Kaneki inches deeper into the (dug) hole, not his ass.

The gummy worm shoots off Tsukiyama’s shoulder, going straight through the door and impaling whatever poor soul was on the other side, about to ring the doorbell.

A weak groan resonates throughout the room, Kaneki digs deep underground until his head pops up by the body.

“Holy shit, Tsukiyama-san, you killed Gyde.”

“(Whatevers french for excuse) moi?”

Kaneki smacks the glowing boy in the face, his yellow slowly begins to fade. From the second story, Naki’s head pops out of the window, a harmonica in his mouth. He plays My Heart Will Go On gently.

“We lost him,” The half ghoul hangs his head sadly, “How am I… how am I going to tell Hide?” Kaneki thinks about how much Hide loves Gyde, so so much, just as much as Hude. Hide is going to be devastated devastated.

Suddenly a second Gyde begins to rise from the fallen one. He floats up above his dead body, glowing once more. It’s some danny phantom shit over here.

Just like Suzuya had, he begins rising. Before he can even reach the roof, Hude’s face slams against the window. “Nah son get the fuck back here.”

Hude himmles in full speed and latches onto the ghost, dragging him back down, away from the Pope’s embrace up in Hell.

He shoves the ghost back into the body, shoving his soul right down the throat. Eat the sushi.

Hude urgently turns to Kaneki, “when u take a chick cinema and they be like £48.75 for 2 popcorn and drinks, u be like "that's calm" but ur soul inside is on 1% battery life”  
“Excuse me.”

Hude promptly picks the recovering Gyde up and flees.

  
take killua and run

Tsukiyama suddenly begins spinning many, many times before stopping to stare at Kaneki, grabbing him by the shoulders. “when u take a chick cinema and they be like £48.75 for 2 popcorn and drinks, u be like "that's calm" but ur soul inside is on 1% battery life”

“Tsukiayaja-san not you too.”

 

“Soft oxidation.” Hinami whispers. She then begins softly breakdancing.

“Froggle what are you doing?”

“What’s wrong Kaneki-chan?” She asks, continuing her soft breakdancing.

“Open gundum style!!!!” Tsukiyama cheers, abruptly butting into the conversation.

“Thanks daddy.” Comments Kaneki.

Tsukiyama slowly takes off his belt. “You. Here. Now.”

“Tsukiyama-san, why are you swinging around a belt when you’re wearing a belt. Why do you have two belts on hand? Whose belt is that?”

“Hello police,” Hinami breathes into the receiver of the phone, “There is a man sexually approaching a minor.”

Tsukiyama drops the belt and stumbles away, he doesn’t wanna have to escape jail again. He smashes into Haise on his way, he is gone.

Haise lays face down in the grass, oh no! It looks like he needs some CPR!

“Is he dead?” Honami asks, Hinami splitting into two suddenly to create said Honami, kneeling down and using the phone to poke at Haise. The soft blue double begins vibrating.

“Same shit as always.” Kaneki shakes his head.

“Who goes around without life alert nowadays smh” Hinami shakes her head. smh.. “Macklemoreover, what are we gonna do?”

 

Far away, on like the opposite side of town, Hide sits. The bees surround him, patiently buzzing. Ayato is nowhere to be seen.

Hide smirks, leans his chin on his hands, gendo ikari pose. Soon.

Uta walks up behind him, “I can’t believe its been ten years.”

“Yeah,” Hide sighs nostalgically, “Damn.”

 

Meanwhile, Kaneki sits on top of Haise, gently applying pressure to his hand for some reason. He is still unconscious.

“At this rate hes gonna lose his hands.. Hinami… I don’t want another stub man..”

Honami slowly lays over Haise, still vibrating. She is soft and warm, like mash potatoes.

“Good thinking Honami, this should help his hands last longer!” Hinami cheers, patting her clone on the back.

“I will save his hands.” Honami promises, vibrating slowly becoming stronger.

“God bless.” Naki screams from the window.

“When did she get here?” Kaneki questions, gesturing to the blue hinami.

Hinami shrugs while Honami begins sinking, since her exterior is so soft.

Haise hands slowly evaporate, it was a lost cause all along. The second stub man is born, Haise slowly sits up, Honami plopping to the side much like dough. (Like both pizza dough and cash money dough)

He brings his arms to his face and screams. “*esteban voice* thIS IS A DISASSTTEERRR”

“I’m sorry, we couldn’t save your hands.” Kaneki tells him in a grave voice, gently resting his palm on the mans shoulder, then realizing how that might be insensitive of him so he slowly pulls it away.

“What the fuck. what the fuck. i cant blaze it like this?!?!!?!??!” Haise screams, outraged.

Hianmi helps her dough-like double sit up, before turning to Haise and wiggling a finger disapprovingly at his outburst.

“Now now, thats not very cash monie of you.” She then brings her finger down, realizing that might be insensitive.

Haise goes quiet and Kaneki looks over him for a minute.

“... Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah I’m fine I just-” Haise takes a deep breath, then begins screaming.

“He’s not fine.” Honami chips in.

Cherry and Kai stop the fic to brawl it out

Both die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pretend we posted this on march 3rd, free pancake day and tsukiyama + leorios birthday

Last time on Dragon Ball Z, Haise lost his hands and Honami has been born.

“mOm hoLY FUCK” Hinami screams, kicking through the wall instead of using the door right next to her. She had Honami on her shoulders and had the large stolen CCG coat over both of them, leaving only Honami’s head poking out to stare at Kaneki.

“WE GOTTA GO TO IHOP”

Kaneki raised his eyebrows. Did they even have iHop in Japan? Was there some weird japanese iHop he didn’t know about? Hinami began wildly shooting her gun in all directions, hitting the tv, the coffee machine, and Tsukiyama’s gummy worm kagune.

Tsukiyama stared in shock and horror. “How dare you mess with me, little girl. We know how to eat a person and make it look like a simple murder.” He spun around, reaching into his pocket and fumbling to stick something in his eyes. He then spun back around with black contacts in, slowly picking up the shot through gummy worm and taping it to his arm, threatenly waving the broken worm at her. The end detaches and punches Tsukiyama in the face, he falls to the ground.

Kaneki watched the scene unravel in front of him in horror, why was Tsukiyama acting like the tokyo ghoul version of a superwholock?

“Did someone say iHop? Why are we hopping?” Asks Naki, crashing his head through the ceiling from upstairs. He wriggles down from the hole he created and stands, brushing off his pants.

Naki continues, “Is an iHop like some new iPod or something? Or an iPap?”

“Its called in iPad you fucking homestuck trash.” Honami whispers under her breath.

The light haired ghoul raises an eyebrow, “Homes truck? A truck owned by someones house?”

The gummy worm kagune smacks Naki across the face, knocking him unconscious. He lands ungracefully on top of Tsukiyama.

“Anyways,” Kaneki begins, pausing after to collect his thoughts, “What.”

Hinami clears her throat, “I said we gotta go to iHop, its March 3rd, free pancake day!!”

“Can we even eat pancakes?”

“Probably not, but they’re free so…”

“Okay. I understand.” Kaneki walks towards the door and exits, Hinami plus Honami trudging after him, long CCG sleeves trailing behind. They pile in the barbie jeep and GO.

About a week later, they arrive at the japanese iHop, its surprisingly not very packed considering they’re giving out free pancakes. Tsukiyama is sitting a few tables away from the entrance, Leorio is also there. They celebrate their mutual birthday by stuffing their face with free pancakes. The ghoul begins puking everywhere soon enough.

“Alright Honami, its time.” Hinami whispers, and the soft and warm child sinks down out of the coat and onto the floor, holding many large sacks. Hinami whips out her gon and marches up to the person working at the counter.

“Bonjour.” Hinami raises the gun and begins shooting at Leorio’s stack of pancakes. Trust nobody.

Honami in the background begins pouring many large sticks out of one of the bags.

“This is a holdup, give me all the pancakes you own.”

“Ma’am today is free pancake day, you can take as many as you like without the violence.”

_“Did I fucking stutter.”_

Tsukiyama tsks from his chair, finally over the vomiting. “Mademoiselle, using italics looks tacky.” Hinami shoots him. Pow right in the kisser.

Honami holds out the bags as the worried and confused workers begin pouring the pancakes in. Leorio is crying.

“Hinami.. we can’t eat those, what’s the point of all this?” Kaneki rests a hand on her shoulder, trying to pull her back.

“To assert dominance.” Hinami spits out, shrugging the limb off her. She reaches into the bag and takes out a pancake, turning towards Kaneki. She begins furiously slapping him in the face with it.

“K. O.” Honami whispers as Kaneki falls to the ground.

“Yes, K.O. for Kaneki Onii-chan.” Hinami adds on.

Honami shivers, “Wouldn’t that be C.O.C.?”

“Honami I’m not gonna say cock every time someone faints. Learn some fucking manners.”

Honami frowns, “Mmhmhhohmhjpemhmho.”

Hinami stares over the many filled bags. She isn’t satisfied.

“Give me all of the fingers.”

“Excuse me?”

_“Did I-”_

Tsukiyams cuts her off with a loud tsk, waggling his stub as one might wave a finger. The workers sadly accept their fate, taking off their fingers and handing them over to Hinami, who slowly nods and smiles. She gets a boner.

Honami grabs a finger with her mouth and scurries away on all fours, hopping the counter and climbing into the oven with it. Do they even have ovens there? Would an iHop even need an oven? We just don’t know.

Out of the corner of her eye, Hinami swears she spots Hude stealing from the cash register, but ignores him. Honami gives him dirty looks from the inside of the oven, chewing on the nearly gon(e) finger.

After Hude nyooms off, Honami crawls out and helps Hinami carry the bags. Tsukiyama finally stops throwing up every 2 minutes and punches Kaneki, causing him to wake up.

“Wakey wakey eggs and bakey.”

“But I’m a ghoul.”

“Wakey wakey flesh.”

Kaneki -_- at the man above him.

“No but seriously, should we stop her or continue to let her run rampant?” Tsukiyama questions, gesturing towards Hinami who is currently eating the cashiers hand.

“Just let her be, they’ll be less casualties that way.”

“I suppose.”

Kaneki stares at him, “Are you going to get up anytime soon?”

“Naahhh.” Tsukiyama plops down on top of the half ghoul, stubs gliding through his hair affectionately.

Kaneki stares up at the ceiling, transfixed.

Leorio stands up, having become full from all the pancakes and leaves. The doctors gone.

Honami slowly touches a pancake, squishing it. It reminds her of herself. The warm-

“DID SOMEBODY SAY WORM?” Shouts Naki, crashing through the window ready for the worm pit.

It seems the entire gang will slowly appear in this poor, poor japanese iHop. Hinami stops eating the hand of the cashier and begins

ing with Naki.

“Worm pit! Worm pit! Worm pit!” They chant, opening the worm pit.

“I will dismantle the establishment board by board!” Hide screams, having somehow gotten inside as well. He rips a floorboard from the ground, eating it.

“Do you want some syrup with that?” Honami asks, pulling out a large bottle of Mrs. Butterworth from her secret syrup stash.

Hide makes a loud gurgling noise and gives a thumbs up before beginning to thrash wildly. She begins pouring syrup over Hide as the worm pit opens around them.

Kaneki continues to stare at the ceiling, Tsukiyama stubbing on top of him. They can’t just all go somewhere and enjoy it normally, can they?

The iHop bursts into flames, incinerating everybody inside.

“SHIT!!” Uta screams, crawling out of one of the pancake bags. Police sirens can be heard outside, causing the ghoul to smirk. Uta rips the cash register from out of the counter and smashes it over his head, “SCATTER!”

At once everyone in the iHop flees, running in all different directions. Hinami, Honami, and Hide take to the sewers. Tsukiyama calls a cab. Illumi digs a hole. Kaneki runs to the back of the diner, kicking down the door and sprinting outside.

“I’ve never climbed a fence this high before!” Kaneki screams as he approaches a tall barbed wire fence, then he wakes up at home.

He hurriedly sits up, reaching for his phone. Apparently hes been out cold for a week. Naki smashes down the door, using Tsukiyama like a battering ram, the squad spilling into the room. Leorio is there.

Shiteyanyo, who was summoned from the worm pit, slowly crawls into the fridge, holding Hude hostage while he screams for help.

 

Anyways, Tsukiyama grabs Kaneki’s shoulders with his stubs and shakes him awake, even though he was already awake.

“Kaneki-kun! Kaneki-kun! You’re up!!”

“Sadly.”

“You’ve missed so much, actually no you haven’t.” Naki chimes in.

“I see.” Kaneki twiddles his fingers, “Why are you all in my room?”

Hinami crawls in from between Tsukiyamas legs, “Something big’s probably gonna happen soon, and the authors want us all together.”

“Ah yes, which means something will probably be in flames soon enough. We just have to wait.”

Kaneki stares into the camera like in the office. Honami falls on top of him like the dough of pizza. She is soft and warm. Kaneki pats her head. Honami is a precious cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure.

“Sei gegrüßt.”

All heads turn towards the doorway, where Kanae stands, clutching a pizza.

 

“You thought you’d gotten rid of me, eh?” The smaller purple haired man shivers.

“Kanae.. how.. how are you alive.. I microwaved you..” Tsukiyama falls to his knees.

The german (honestly i dont even think hes german he just looks up words on google translate) smirks, “I have my ways, but now,” He crouches down to Tsukiyama’s level, “We can be together forever, Shuu-sama.”

Kaneki’s eye twitches.

“Hinami call the police.” Tsukiyama whispers, and Hinami reaches for the phone.

“NOT SO FAST.” Kanae whips the pizza 100 mph at Hinami, it slices part of her shoulder and then sticks to the wall. Hinami slowly slides to the floor, Honami at her side in an instant seeping inside the wound.

Kanae picks up Kaneki for some reason bridal style and jumps out the window.

Kaneki seems very indifferent about this, sighing with a murmur of “Same shit as always.” and letting nature take its course.

“Onii-chan, go to him.” Hinami weakly gurgles from her position on the floor.

Tsukiyama looks to the broken window, to Hinami, back to the window. “Since when was I onii-chan?”

“Ssshhhshhh, he’s waiting for you. It’s in the prophecy.”

“I. Okay.” Tsukiyama runs, Honami latching onto him. Gotta go fast.

Finally having reached the ground, Kanae gallops forward. He has his destination set, the keeper of the bees is waiting. He begins vibrating. Soon, soon…

“Isn’t Tsukiyama the one you want mr yandere man?” Kaneki questions, still in the others grasp.

“In the end, yes, but right now I need you for my plan.”

“Please don’t take me to the yaoi dungeon.”

Kanae smirks.

Kaneki frowns, at least nothing will end up on fire, hopefully.

Kanae pulls out a piece of pizza from his pockets, “Explain.”

“Um.”

Kanae places the pizza on top of Kaneki’s face. “Explain.”

“Pizza is an oven-baked flat bread generally topped with tomato sauce and cheese. It is commonly supplemented with a selection of meats, vegetables and condiments. The term was first recorded in AD 997, in a Latin manuscript from the southern Italian town of Gaeta,[1] in Lazio, Central Italy. The modern pizza was invented in Naples, Italy, and the dish and its variants have since become popular in many areas of the world.[2]”

“Fascinating… What is this.. Italy?”

“In 2009, upon Italy's request, Neapolitan pizza was safeguarded in the European Union as a Traditional Speciality Guaranteed dish.[3][4] The Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana (AVPN) (the True Neapolitan Pizza Association) is a non-profit organization founded in 1984 with legal and operational headquarters in Naples. Its mission is to promote and protect the "true Neapolitan pizza" ("verace pizza napoletana") defined as the product made in accordance with the International Regulations for the brand.”

“Answer the question, Kaneki.”

“Pizza is sold fresh, frozen or in portions. Various types of ovens are used to cook them and many varieties exist. Several similar dishes are prepared from ingredients commonly used in pizza preparation, such as calzone and stromboli.”

Kanae gets a boner. The feeling of it against Kaneki backside makes him smirk, yes, he would escape through seduction.

“You know.. I used to work at a Papa Ginos.”

Kanae’s eyes roll to the back of his head, his grip on the other wavers for a moment.

Yet they continue to nyoom by houses, Kanae’s running like Satotz from hxh during the exam. Legs all outstretched and shit.

“Haha, I fuckin knew you weren’t capable for the job, you almost dropped him!” Hude appears next to Kanae and Kaneki, a hand against his mouth to muffle his chortles.

Kanae glares, “Ruhig sein.”

“You’re lucky I’m here to guide… no wait, to _gyde_ you through this.”

“HÖR AUF!”

“Why is the O screaming?”

Kaneki bewilderedly stares between the two, “You know each other?”

Hude smirks, “Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming.”

“Didn’t that thing from the worm pit drag you into the fridge?? What are you doing here.”

Memewhile, Tsukiyama and Honami are sprinting, Honami tracking the scent of pizza.

Stay tuned for the next episode of Dragon Ball Z!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rip

Kaneki is still being held by Kanae, whose boner died out sometime ago when they got into the elevator. He curses silently, his only means of escape ruined. Hude is nearby, beatboxing softly to the elevator music. Kaneki has no idea where they are going, but assumes its the yaoi dungeon. At least, they would be heading there if they were going.

“Why aren’t we moving?” Kanae mumbles to himself.

He wasn’t actually sure how long they were in there before Hude starts flipping the fuck out.

“IT FUCKING BROKE! ROSEWALD WE’RE GONNA DIE!” Hude begins smashing his head against the doors violently. Blood beginning to slowly trail down from the spot.

“Um.” Kaneki watches in horror, still in the purple headed mans arms.

Kanae, balancing Kaneki in one hand, uses the other to rip pizza out of his pockets. “If we’re going to die here, better make my last moments mean something.”

He begins savagely screaming and shoving the pizza in his mouth, beginning to choke. Kanae pulls more and more pizza out, overwhelming himself with the sheer amount of pizza. Kaneki takes this moment to squeeze out of Kanae’s grip, watching the fake german fall to the floor twitching and flailing.

“BRO, B RO , BORO OB , BRO, THE CABLES ON THIS THING ARE GONNA SNAP SOON ENOUGH, WE’RE GONNA PLUMMET UNDERGROUND STRAIGHT TO HELL, FUFCCC _CCCCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAAA_ ” Hude begins thrashing wildly all around the other two. He grips the handle bars that are on the left wall and pivots off them, smashing into the right wall. Tears are slowly leaking from his eyes but that doesn’t stop him from jumping up and punching the ceiling, knocking out one of the light fixtures. It sparks then falls to the ground, knocking Kanae in the head, he falls to the ground unconscious.

Hude goes up to punch another light, this time his fist smashes right through the bulb. He electrocutes himself, the inverted blue color turning normal Hide color for a moment before he flops uselessly to the floor, also unconscious.

Kaneki stares at the two helpless heaps. “Holy shit.” These were the people who managed to break into his house, injure Hinami, and kidnap him. Yet they were unable to act accordingly to a broken elevator.

“Wait..”

Kaneki walks up to the buttons, presses open door, and they do just that with a ding.

He steps over the bodies as the doors slide open, walking away from the scene with a blank face.

Well, escaping was easier than expected. Now he just needed to find the exit, or a suitable window to crash through, if this place even had windows. What kind of building was this?? It was like a warehouse, but warehouses don’t have elevators. Unless the elevator literally went nowhere. Maybe it was only there for decorative purposes.

Elevator that goes nowhere. Aesthetic.

Kaneki freezes after hearing a distant, familiar sound. A few seconds later he hears it again, followed by a faraway “SHIT!!”

The shattering of vases comes closer and closer until Uta is in front of Kaneki, breathing heavily.

“What happened to dumb and dumber?”

“They knocked themselves out in the elevator.”

“Oh. I see.”

Kaneki shifts from foot to foot anxiously, “So, can I go home now?”

“Nah.” The beekeeper begins walking away.

“Well..”

Uta turns around, making a follow me gesture to which Kaneki obliges.

Tsukiyama and Honami track the scent of pizza and desperation to honestly i don t fuckign know where they are but its somewhere ill tell you that and creep open the doors, looking around.

The room is dark and desolate. A lone chair is up ahead, it spins slowly around to reveal Gyde. He emits a soft yellow glow which lights up everything around him.

“Hideyoshi? Why are you here?” Tsukiyama asks.

Gyde opens his mouth angrily and raises a finger, only white noise comes out.

Honami elbows the other in the gut, “You fucking baka, thats not Hide, thats Hude.”

Gyde eats the chair.

Hude crawls in, still bloody and beaten from his brawl with the elevator. Gyde throws what's left of the chair at him, which Hude begins inserting inside himself. Honami drops off Tsukiyama’s shoulder, plopping down like dough and pushes him away from the clones.

“Go.”

“Are you alright on your own, little blue lady?”

“GO.” She pushes him again. Tsukiyama looks at her, worried for a moment before sprinting off to find Kaneki. Hinami would have his head if something happened to the dough child.

Once he is out of sight, Honami turns to face her worst enemies. Hude stands, and Gyde begins vibrating. They approach her, hunched over and snapping their fingers.

“What are you doing with _them_? Have you forgotten the mission?” Hude spits out bitterly.

Honami crosses her arms, “I don’t know about you, but hands don’t appeal to me. I like fingers though.”

“Sweetie :),” He stomps up to her, “Your opinion doesn’t matter, you gotta finish the job you were made for.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“You gotta.”

“Nah.”

“You gotta.”

“I’ll pass.”

“The master won’t take betrayal lightly. He’ll come for you.”

“So what? All he’s good for is smashing vases and stealing hands.”

Hudes eyes flicker black, and the Tardis crashes in through the ceiling. “You’ll regret messing with us.”

He picks up Gyde and throws him inside the blue porta potty, going in after him.

Honami pulls extra lighter fluid and quickly throws it over the blue… thing and rips out a match, setting fire to the damned contraption once and for all. She hears a muffled scream of “MOTHERFUCKER!” followed by loud white noise from inside and it zaps away.

She walks.

Meanwhile, Uta finishes tightening the chains wrapped around Kaneki in the yaoi dungeon.

“I hope they’re not too tight, unless you like it like that. ;)”

“No, this is fine, thank you.”

“Okie dokie.” Uta walks to the table of toys and picks up a whip, strolling back to Kaneki and begins Cruhteoing his ass. For those of you who don’t watch aldnoah zero Milluking his ass works too. For those of you who don’t watch either aldnoah zero or hunter x hunter im sorry.

im so sorry kai exists i apologize to everyone

ok w ow wtf w t f? wtf is htis sjw bullshit

-begins moshing- whats wrong kais-an

im gonna??? push you into the chocolate river???

i m gonna put you in the pear wiggler to atone for your crimes

im just tryin to make hearty anime referenncens fun for th e whole family ? hop off my dick

me @kao-sak

me @cherru

Meanwhile, Tsukiyama moshes right through the yaoi dungeon wall.

Uta sighs, “Dang, we didn’t even get to the fun part.”

Kaneki:

“Kaneki-kun!” Tsukiyama rushes over to his side.

“Hello, Tsukiyama-san.” He smiles weakly.

Uta walks out of the yaoi dungeon and shuts the cell door, locking it behind him. “Lmao have fun in there nerds.”

Tsukiyama walks up to one of the bars and flicks it lightly, inspecting the material. “You do know.. that my kagune could easily break through this.”

“SHIT!!” Uta had not thought that far ahead. “But Tsukiyama, why would you do that, when you can join us?”

“Excusez moi?”

(uta is wearing shades rn btw) The shades wearing man turns to face the other. “Well, you’re kind of obligated to join us anyways, right?”

Tsukiyama raises an eyebrow, “Why do you say that?”

“You see those stubs?” Uta points to the nonexistent hands poking out of the others sleeves. “I’m responsible for those.”

Kaneki gasp.

Tsukiyama gasp.

Honami gasp.

Inside the Tardis, Hude and Gyde gasp.

At home, Hinami gasp.

Hide gasp.

Touka tch’s which kinda sounds like a gasp.

Ayato gasp.

Yoshimura gasp.

The bees gasp.

Somewhere up in Hell, the Pope gasp.

Haga-san gasp.

Hisoka schwings, the sound of it against the fabric of his pants making a gasp noise..

Kai gasp.

Cherry gasp.

The migi plush i have hanging from my mirror gasp.

Cherrp’s Koujaku body pillow gasp.

“EEEEEEHHHHHHHHH?????”

Uta smirks, “That’s right. So you owe us.”

Kaneki has a bad feeling about this, “Us?”

From the shadows, Hude and Gyde emerge, slightly singed from the incident.

“Yoooooo wassup Kenny.” He blows a kiss in his direction.

“Please never call me that again.”

Gyde opens his mouth, white noise comes out, big shocker there.

Uta paces around outside of the cell, “Shuu, those stubs have great potential, but you need us to unleash it.”

“What the actual fuck does that mea-” Tsukiyama places a stub over Kaneki’s mouth.

“Chotto matte, Kaneki-kun. What do you mean?” Kaneki bites the stub. Tsukiyama scream, and the stub begins thrashing violently. Kaneki stares at it in horror, its never done that before.

“See? Join us, we can teach you to harness and control that power.” Uta NANIS. Tsukiyama stares at the now sentient stub twitching around.

“Tsukiyam-san this is so fucking weird.”

“Fuck bruh, this is like parasyte.” Hude comments, not having seen a stub in action before.

“Oh my god is it gonna grow an eyeball?? Is it going to start talking. Oh my fuck. Is that shit gonna speak. Is it alive?? Will it read books and browse the web in your sleep? What the fuck!?!??” Kaneki questions, curious but also terrified.

Tsukiyama @Kaneki:

Uta clears his throat, directing attention back on him.

“Oh no, I was just clearing my throat.”

All heads turn back to Tsukiyama, awaiting his answer.

“Er, so why are you even doing this in the first place?”

Uta cackles evilly, “ **World domination!** ” A circle of fire erupts around him.

“Oh, well-”

“We’ll steal peoples hands and give them the stub power, people will quiver before an army of stubs!”

“Yeah buddy?” Tsukiyama questions incredulously.

“YEAH!!”

Hude and Gyde join in on the sinister laughter. Uta smashes a vase in his excitement.

“Mmmhhh, does this power entail access to elaborate dishes from around the world to satisfy my epicurean needs?”

“You betcha.”

The extravagant ghoul places a stub against his chin in thought, “Mhmhmmh..”

“Tsukiyama-san, you’re not actually thinking about joining them, right?”

“But just think of all the riches we could acquire!”

“Aren’t you loaded?? Can’t you already get anything you want?”

“Most things, yes, but there are some that even the Tsukiyama family can’t procure.”

“Okay, bu-”

Uta interrupts the pair, “Oh, no, Kaneki wouldn’t be joining us. We don’t need him.”

The half ghouls eyebrows draw together angrily, “Then why did you kidnap me in the first place?!?”

“Because we knew Shuu would come.”

“You could have just,” The Gourmet pinches the bridge of his nose, “asked me? Without going through all this trouble?”

Uta idly twirls some of his side skrillex hair between a finger, “But that wouldn't have made a lasting impression.”

“Who’s finger is that?” Kaneki pipes in.

“Anyways, Shuu, if you would, kill the half ghoul while he’s still chained up.”

Kaneki’s eyes widen and Tsukiyama freezes.

“Wait what.”

“He poses a threat to us, don’t you want to indulge in caviar or some shit?”

“I can’t even eat caviar.”

Uta wheezes, “Just fucking, kagune the kid.”

Kaneki gulps, he wouldn’t actually kill him for fancily prepared flesh, right..?

Tsukiyamas expression becomes void of all emotion, “Fine, but can I do this alone?”

Uta rolls his eyes, “Yeah yeah, we’ll be in the next room over, come in when you’re done, we have many things to discuss.” He hunches over and snaps his fingers threateningly out the door, Hude and Gyde following in the same manner.

“Tsukiyama.. san…”

The familiar spiral koukaku kagune erupts from behind the man as he slowly approaches him.

“Ken, forgive me."

Kaneki squeezes his eyes shut, bracing for the worst.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeho

“Forgive me for being so forceful, but we gotta GO.”

Kaneki opens his eyes to see Tsukiyama strike the chains around his hands with his kagune, then going for the ones around his legs.

“Oh.”

Tsukiyama turns, already halfway out of the cell, “What? Did you honestly think I was going to kill you?”

“No..” He touches his chin gently.

Tsukiyama frowns, “I only made it a cliffhanger last chapter to try and make it somewhat suspenseful in this god forsaken fic. But after rereading that scene I now realize it resembles a thirteen year olds shitty overdramatic deviantart journal fic. You know the ones. Where they're trying so hard but it's just embarrassing."

Kaneki stares at the camera like he’s in the office.

“They’re probably in their xD phase too..” Tsukiyama scoffs, “ _Dégoûtant_.”

Kaneki joins the other outside of the cell, “Well I mean, this is a crack fic after all.”

“What a cruel fate we have been blessed with.”

“But hey,” The white haired boy picks up a piece of chalk from off the floor, “It means we can do this,” He draws a circle on the wall, the rim slightly glowing. “And get away with it.”

Inside the circle is the apartment. Kaneki puts a foot through it, then the other, extending his hand to Tsukiyama. He almost takes a hold of it before hesitating.

“What about the others?”

“Wait what others.”

“Honami.”

Kaneki’s eyes fall out of his face in shock, “She’s here!? shit fuck shit boy fuck shit ass fuck ufkck shit fuck fuCK”

“I thought you knew?” Tsukiyama brushes some of his fringe back with a stub.

“nO.”

“Oh dear.”

Just as Kaneki was about to exit the circle, soft foot steps echoed throughout the room.

“Don’t worry, I can handle this. You guys go.”

Both ghouls looked at the newcomer, then at each other, then back at the newcomer.

“Um, who are you exactly.”

The man smirked, pushing his tiny glasses up higher on his face, “You don’t have to worry about that.”

Tsukiyama and Kaneki still seemed unconvinced.

“Go,” He makes a shooing motion with his hand, “Enjoy yourselves. ;)”

Tsukiyama places a stub inside the chalk portal, “K, just make sure shes back before dinner.”

The man gives him a thumbs up and off they go. Zapped back to the apartment cause why not they deserve some time alone after all the shit we’ve put them through.

The circle disappears, and Leorio begins smirkles.

 

 

Elsewhere, Hide punches Uta. Hude, Gyde, and Honami (being held back by Gyde) stand by and watch, amazed and shocked.

“SHIT!!” Uta screams, he’s sent flying backwards.

“Dude what the fuck. What the actual fuck. I thought we were bros. I thought we were like this.” Hide begins violently thrashing his arms around, punching Uta yet again in the process.

“Chill dude.” Hude tries to drag his normal colored counterpart away from Uta. Hide continues to thrash his arms like gummy worm kagunes, one slamming into Hude’s head and sending the clone smashing into the ground. Hude tries to stand up, but a still furious Honami breaks from Gyde’s hold and slams her foot into his head, sending him back down and knocking him unconscious.

Gyde holds his arms up in a woah just take it easy man pose. He tries to speak as well, but all he manages is white noise as usual.

“Why the fuck would you try to get Kaneki killed. He’s my bro. He’s my broerest bro. Even more my bro then you, bro.” Hide is furious. He finally stopped thrashing his arms, ignoring Honami in the background body slamming Gyde into the floor like some pro wrestler level shit, only focused on Uta.

“We agreed to leave Kaneki be. We had a deal, Uta.”

“Yeah, until my future dairy changed, I got a bad end and he was involved.”

“Wrong anime, also its a _diary_ , not a milk based product you fucking idiot.”

“Listen hide and seek, can’t we talk this out?”

“It’s Hide, and I’m gonna beat your sandler ass.”

“Not the only thing you’ll be beating!! Haaa!” Hude chimes in loudly.

Everyone turns to stare at the blue man.

He shivers under their intense gaze, “What..?”

Honami squints her eyes in confusion, “What does that even mean? Like he’s gonna beat the rest of you up?”

Hude crosses his arms behind his head like some anime protag, “Naahh, like, when you masturbate, beat yourself, beat, ahaa.”

“Why is Hide masturbating.” Uta inquires.

“It’s just a joke bro..”

Hides eyebrow twitches, he is incredibly embarrassed he was related to this thing. “Shut up, you straight white boy.”

“But I’m blue!”

“CHOTTO MATTE!” Uta interrupts all the bickering, “Isn’t Shuu taking an awfully long time?”

Honami quickly tries to snap Hude’s neck, but stops because kai is showing favoritism towards our kids and says no, we cant kill the one they like the most.

Honami decides she doesn't give a fuck about kai and snaps his neck anyways. Finally. She must betray her parents and finally take down Kai.

“Haha, hidead.” Uta chucked.

“Wrong Nagachika.”

Kai punches the wall, entering the scene, they touch Hude’s limp body, the monster energy being transferred between the two. Slowly he rises up. He live.

Cherry stands behind them, dialing 911.

Kai tackles Cherry, successfully shoving the phone in their mouth and swallowing.

Cherry opens their mouth, the police climb out.

Kai puts a hand in their ear and pulls out a monster energy can. Then another one, another one, and another one bites the dust. They pick up Hude, and slowly place him in Cherry’s throat, for safe keeping.

“You will rebirth him when the time is right.” Kai whispers, wrapping their elastic body around Cherrp, then disappearing into the wind.

Uta clears his throat. Honami pounces, stuffing as much of his hair into her mouth as possible. He passes out from impact. Gyde falls over, foaming from the mouth.

Honami stands, she has won. Safe at last, from Shia LaBeouf.

Back at the apartment, Kaneki wiggles out of the circle, Tsukiyama close behind.

“That was nice of Doctor-chan to pick up the little blue missy.”

“Yeh.”

Tsukiyama slowly approaches Kaneki, “Here I come.”

Suddenly, a frozen slice of pizza shoots out from the mail slot in the door.

“WATCH OUT, TSUKIYAHMAH!”

The pizza is headed directed for him at 420 mph, the violet haired man quickly jumps up, avoiding the blow. But the pizza continues to follow him.

“BEHIND YOU!” Kaneki shouts.

“I already saw it.” Tsukiyama swiftly dodges once more, whacking the pizza with his stub. It falls to the floor.

“TSUKIYAHMAH!” Kaneki pauses, lost in thought. “Tsukiyahmah’s awesome, BE CAREFUL!”

Tsukiyama bends down and picks up the slice, “It must have been rigged, set up for if we escaped.”

Kaneki clenches, “That damn Kanae.”

“Quick.” Kaneki digs a hole, leading into the bedroom. He crawls out and falls onto the bed, slowly sinking into the soft mattress. It reminds him of Honami. Tsukiyama crawls in next, taking a moment to look at Kaneki facedown on the bed before sitting down next to him.

The white haired boy grunts, “What are you waiting for? Get in.”

“Under the covers?”

Kaneki grumbles a negative.

“Then where, mi amor?”

“Inside me.”

“Oheheoh-”

“Please do not make Hinami noises when we’re about to fuck.”

“Pardon me, mademoiselle.”

“Stop reminding me of Hinami oh my god. Oh my god. The mood and my boner are dead.”

Tsukiyama goes to change his position, “Maybe I can help with that?”

After a few minutes of rustling and nothing else, Kaneki flips around to find Tsukiyama standing on top of the end of the bed, shirtless, hands on his hips, wearing really good pants that he got at the millionaire pants store.

"Dong," he said. "Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong. Dong."

"What’s that?" said the half ghoul, aware in some half ghoul way that he was about to sex more than he ever had before.

"Open up," Tsukiyama said, unzipping. "That’s the fuck doorbell."

Kaneki did as he was told, slowly unraveling the others pants. Not a second later did he go flying backwards due to the fuck doorbell whacking him in the face.

“Oops.”

“Tsukiyama-san, didn’t we go over this last time?”

Tsukiyama hangs his head in shame.

“Let me make it up to you.” The epicurean kneels down in front of Kaneki, sticking his head between his legs and starts making noises like a coffeemaker right before it finishes brewing.

“Tsukiyama-san, what are you doing? I still have my pants on.”

“Don’t worry, little princess, its erotic.”

“Tsukiyama-san, I don’t think-”

"I’m going to go back to going to town on you," he said. "Like a muffet. That’s a buffet, but on your muff. Like a muff buffet."

He sinks in between Kaneki’s legs, continuing those strange noises while the half-ghoul stares wide eyed and unblinking at the ceiling.

Tsukiyama Shuu put his thumb in Kaneki’s mouth. And then the other one. And then two more. ”Wider,” he said as he put in one more. “I bet you’ve never had this many thumbs in your mouth.” Kaneki hadn’t.

Kaneki tiredly pours jellybeans on himself like Cherry is rn.

Tsukiyama comes up from his legs. “What are you doing?”

“Regretting.” Kaneki tries to pick up a few jelly beans and put them on the bed, but misses and dumps them right back on himself. A very exhausted Cherry continues to put Kaneki through the same hell they must deal with right now.

While he does that, Tsukiyama mutters something under his breath.

“Pardon?”

He slips on a rubber glove.

“Um.”

“Fist kids.”

“UM.”

“” Tsukiyama gasps.

The stub enters, Kaneki screams and blacks out.

When Kaneki wakes up, he sees the eiffel tower outside the window.

“Nani kore?”

“Good morning dear.” Tsukiyama exclaims, currently sprawled out on a fancy chair and sipping wine.

“Are we in Paris?”

“Sí.”

“How the fuck did we end up in Paris again?!”

 

Kaneki crawls out of bed and looks around. “Is anyone else here?”

“Yo.” Ayato hops down from the ceiling.

Both Tsukiyama and Kaneki screech.

Tsukiyama swallows the glove on his left stub, he goes to swallow the right but realizes it is not there.

While the other is staring at Ayato, Tsukiyama looks to his gloveless stub, then to Kaneki’s ass, then back to his stub. Oh no.

The door slams open and an overly tired Honami storms in, Hinami passed out on her back, and holding clumps of Uta’s hair to show she has won. Kaneki sighs in relief, seeing they are both okay.

“Little ladies, good to see that doctor-chan got you home safe.”

“You mean the small glasses dude?? He didn’t do shit.” Honami scoffs, putting Hinami on the bed next to Ayato who was chillin.

Hide strolls in next, Ayato immediately rips off his pants. Everyone else gets into a defensive position.

“Tsukiyama, guard Kaneki, I’ll take this one on like the other two Nagachikas.” Honami cracks her knuckles and begins approaching.

“Chotto matte! Theres been a huge misunderstanding.”

Kaneki glares, looking around to make sure one of the others isn’t lurking nearby. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah! I didn’t know Uta was planning to do that.”

“So you admit to working with him?” Tsukiyama chimes in accusingly.

“No! Well I mean, yeah, but-”

“I’ve heard enough. Ayato take your Vanessa Bloome and get the hell out of here.” Demands Kaneki.

Hide pales, “Wait, bro please, I can explain.”

“Leave.”

“Um,” Ayato clears his throat, “How the hell are we going to get back to Tokyo from here?”

Kaneki rolls his eyes, “This is a crack fic, use your imagination.”

“A what?” Both Hide and Ayato question simultaneously.

Tsukiyama places a reassuring stub on his shoulder, “What Kaneki-kun means is, that this is a work of literature, one that makes absolutely no sense and anything can happen.”

Even Honami seems confused at that notion. “Are you guys okay?” She is very worried for those two.

Tsukiyama and Kaneki stare at each other in bewilderment, did they not know?

“Okay, see look,” Kaneki stands up, rubber glove falling out of his ass, and sticks out his hand. A moment later there is an egg in it.

“Wow, nice magic trick.” Hide says sarcastically.

“No it wasn’t- ugh, look.” Kaneki then smashes the egg over Tsukiyamas head, which causes his hair to turn blue.

Ayato groans, “Okay Kaneki, we get it, you’ve been watching a lot of Criss Angel lately, now can you please tell us how you expect us to get home? I've got an anime on at eight I wanna watch.”

Kaneki sighs and grabs Hide, and slams him through the wall. “Go.” He demands, pointing at the void. When nobody moves, he picks up a dresser and throws it through. “GO.”

“How the fuck did you do th-”

“ ** _GO._** ”

Ayato nervously steps into the void, followed by Honami holding Hinami. Tsukiyama is next, but first he grabs a nearby chair and takes it with him just because.

Kaneki moves to the other side of the room, then runs and jumps as high as he can, landing into a roll right into the void.

The place they end up in is definitely not the apartment.

Kaneki isn’t quite sure where they are, but it is very dark. He feels around, touching a counter and Tsukiyama’s leg.

“Wow, for once I miss Gyde.” Honami comments. “He’s like a walking nightlight.”

Kaneki nods in agreement, then realizes she can’t see him nodding. “Same.”

“Let me try something.” Tsukiyama pipes in, he brings his arms out dramatically, then claps twice. The lights turn on.

“Ohehoehoheoeoh.”

Tsukiyama bows somehow, despite balancing with his leg thrown over the counter. Kaneki looks around, realizing they’re in a kitchen and nearby he spots Hide and Ayato making out on a couch. He still has no idea where they are.

“Oh my god, its you guys again.” Everyone turns to look where the voice came from and see Touka and Yoriko, both in pajamas and Touka holding a broom.

“Touka-kun?” Kaneki gasp.

“Onee-chan?” Hinami gasp, suddenly awake.

“Chan-onee?” Honami gasp.

“Touka-sama?” Tsukiyama gasp.

“Ew.” Ayato gasp, stopping his makeout session with Hide for a moment.

“Why are you in my house. It’s two am. Let us rest.” She groans, dropping the broom. Yoriko waves from behind her.

“Well actually-”

“No I’m not going to get you your job back and Papa Ginos.” Touka cuts him off.

“I don’t want it. Trust me trust me trust me Baby I wanna be with you So Trust me Trust me Trust me Yeah... I'M HERE soba ni iru kara CALL ME boku ga iru kara TRUST ME mou nani mo osorenai de MY DEAR mienai ito de TRUST ME tsunagatte iru kara Tada kanjite ite kono nukumori.”

“Excuse me.” Touka picks up the broom again, ready to defend.

“Okay well since we’re back in Tokyo, we’ll be leaving bye.” Ayato kicks open the door and exits, carrying Hide bridal style.

“I’ll make it up to you Kaneki, I swear!” The blonde screams as he’s taken away to begin pollination.

Honami picks up the still sleeping Hinami in a similar fashion, “Well, we’re gonna go and try to find doctor-chan, cause she’s still not awake. Bye onii-chan onee-chan and otosan.”

“Otosan?!?” Tsukiyama is outraged.

But it is too late, they are gone.

Toukas grip on the broom does not falter. She is so confused.

“Well, perhaps this is the perfect opportunity for a double date with Kaneki-kun and me? What do you gals say?” Tsukiyama wiggles his eyebrows and stubs in persuasion.

Yoriko reaches over and takes hold of the broom, “Get the fuck out of my house.”

They nyoom, because even though they weren’t in Paris anymore, Touka was still a cop.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of this one

It was the next day, or whatever, idk but it was a new day, Kaneki arose from his slumber. Hide was still banned, currently in the Pear Wiggler to atone for his crimes.

“It’s been 32 hours, please let me out.” Hide pleaded, every visible part of his body covered with bruises. The pears were feisty today.

Kaneki grunts, “I’m still pissed you set me up.”

“Not intentionally!”

“You’ve been a Bad and Naughty child Hide-kun.” Ayato whispers, slowly caressing the Pear Wiggler and breathing heavily.

“How the fuck did you get in my house?!” Kaneki whips a pillow at him, causing the ghoul to fall into the contraption himself. The fruits are quick to bump mercilessly against his sensitive skin.

Meanwhile, Tsukiyama enters the room, some kind of product in his hair.

“Ah, good morning, amato.”

“His names Ayato.” Kaneki reminds him.

“I wasn’t referring to him, amato is swedish for Kaneki-kun.”

“I’m pretty sure it isn’t, but.. okay…”

Tsukiyama claps his hands, “After my hair’s done, we should go out, it’s a nice day.”

Kaneki climbs off the bed and begins rummaging through his closet, picking out an outfit for the day. “What are you doing with it this time?”

“Highlighter piss yellow!”

“Excuse me.”

Tsukiyama clenches his fists. “I still hold the memory of that fateful day on the roof close to my heart, so I decided to represent my feelings with my beautiful locks.”

Kaneki throws a shirt on, “You peed on the Jordan’s Furniture roof and laid in it, so you’re dying your hair yellow.”

“Précisément!”

The rinkaku user sighs, then kicks the Pear Wiggler to turn it off. Both Hide and Ayato topple out, sore and tired.

“Are.. are we cool now?” Hide breathes out raggedly.

Kaneki reaches out a hand to help him up, “Yeah, we are best friends after all.”

The humans eyes begin tearing up, “I’m so happy man!” In his excitement he tackles Kaneki in a hug. With them on the floor, Hide feels eyes on him and looks up, only to meet Tsukiyama’s glare. The man swiftly turns and exits the room to wash the dye out.

Ayato is vibrating, seeming almost disappointed to be out of the Pear Wiggler. That worries Kaneki. It worries him greatly. When he moans Kaneki wonders if he should call the police.

Hinami and Honami roll in, literally, and Hide screams. Hinami slams into Hide and Kaneki, sending them flying while Honami rolls onto Ayato, melting on top of him.

“Hinami-chan, I see you’re up and kicking again.” Kaneki comments, pleased that she’s okay.

“You betcha I’m kickin’” To show off her newfound energy, she roundhouse kicks Hide in the face. A bloody tooth falls to the floor, followed by screaming.

“We’ll protect you onii-chan!” Hinami and Honami get into position.  
  
Hide writhes on the ground, “Fucking hell?!”

“Uh there really isn’t no need for that,” Kaneki scratches his cheek sheepishly, “It’s okay now.”

“Oh. You sure?”

Kaneki nods. Hide sticks his tongue out at Hinami in triumph.

Ayato finally manages to stand on two legs, “Yo, I’m hungry, lets go somewhere.”

Hide nods in agreement, “Kaneki, wanna join us?”

“Do you mean like a double date?” Kaneki offers, considering how Tsukiyama had just said they should get out of the house.

“That sounds fantastique!” Tsukiyama strolls in the room, hair bright yellow and styled perfectly.

Honami sits up off of Ayato and hisses at it, it reminds her of Gyde.

“Alright, Hinami, make sure the house doesn’t burn down.”

 

Nobody trusts that face, but they leave anyways.

“What a delightful day it is.” Tsukiyama does a backflip.

The four of them stroll down the street, all looking pleasantly content except for Ayato, who is looking at everything with wide eyes.

Hide notices his boyfriends vexed state, “You okay?”

“This is.. the first time.. I’ve been outside during day..”

“What the fuck.” Hide and Kaneki say simultaneously.

Ayato nods, before he had only scurred around at night, it was easier to collect bees that way.

“Well, how lucky are we,” Tsukiyama makes a grand gesture towards himself, “That we are here to guide you through this experience.”

Ayato isn’t paying any attention to him, instead about to walk into oncoming traffic to look at some pigeons.

Tsukiyamas jaw drops, and he quickly grabs the boy by the shoulders to stop him. “Non! You mustn’t cross the street without looking both ways!”

“Oh. I see.” Ayato gazes at the pigeons from afar, what weird looking horses.

They continue walking, Kaneki and Hide chit chatting, Ayato looking at everything they pass like :-O, and Tsukiyama swaggering along.

Out of the corner of the Gourmet’s eye, he notices a flower shop, one he hadn’t been to before at that! He quickly darts across the street full speed without a second thought, a car zooms by and smashes into him. He’s sent flying backwards and smashes into a tree.

No one else in the group had noticed, they keep walking on like usual.

“What the fuck is that?!”

“That’s a squirrel, Ayato.”

“Holy shiT?!”

“That’s a dog, Ayato.”

“Why is it connected to that person?! Are they conjoined? This some human centipede bullshit?!”

“That’s a leash, Ayato.”

“God damn.”

That continues for another twenty minutes before Tsukiyama makes it back to them, all traces of the accident gone besides him looking slightly disheveled.

“Ah.. this is it, the place I made reservations for.”

Hide pumps his fist into the air, “Oh I love this place!”

Kaneki opens the door and they all pile in. Something seems off about it though, it’s completely silent, as if they’re the only ones there.

“Must be a slow day..” Ayato laments.

It’s been five minutes and they’re still standing there, waiting to be seated. Tsukiyama looks at his watch every now and then.

Finally the door opens.

“Hi welcome to Chili’s.”

There stands Naki, naked besides his boxers, holding a phone and smiling weakly.

“Um.”

“This way.” He leads them down to a booth, filming with his phone the entire time.

He leaves as quickly as he came. The group sits down and their suspicions are confirmed, they’re the only ones at Chili’s.

Naki returns, carrying menus and handing them out, “Hi welcome to Chili’s.” He walks away once more.

“Well..” Hide opens a menu, encouraging the rest to do the same. The atmosphere changes in a second, Kaneki, Tsukiyama, and Ayato stare at their menus wide eyed, realization settling in.

“We can’t eat this.”

“What?” Hide flips to the desserts section.

Before Kaneki can reply, Naki comes back, this time on roller skates and carrying a notepad. “Hi welcome to Chili's?”

Hide gives his order of a burger and bepsi.

“Okay..” Naki looks to the rest, waiting to write down the next order.

No one responds. Tsukiyama is gripping his menu tightly, knuckles white. Kaneki is breathing heavily, eyes scanning the entrees desperately, but nothing is processing. Ayato quickly breaks the top off the pepper shaker and downs the entire thing.

Hide clears his throat, “They’ll have water.”

Naki nyooms away.

Tsukiyama’s hands are trembling violently, and he looks at Kaneki with his wide eyes that see all. “K-kaneki-kun, what are these things??” He points a shaky finger at a strangely HD picture of a steak, gulping. He is terrified. “Are. Are they made of flesh? Kaneki-kun I don’t understand. I don-” Kaneki shoves the napkins in his mouth to shut him up.

“Tsukiyama-san, we can get through this.”

Hide looks between them and Ayato nervously. He doesn’t know how to handle this shituation.

After finishing off all the pepper, Ayato goes for the salt, not even bothering to open the top and instead smashing the container against his face. It shatters, just like his hopes and dreams. Salt going into his eyes and nose, none of it lands in his mouth.

Tsukiyama stares at the menu, unsure and afraid. Southwest Chicken & Sausage Soup? What did that mean? Loaded Mashed Potatoes? What were they loaded with? More mashed potatoes?

“The lightings not really good in here, haha…” Hide tries to ease the situation with small talk. It isn’t working. He scratches his cheek nervously.

Naki reappears, still only in his boxers with a bread basket. He throws it onto the table and sprints away, he’s still in the roller skates, somehow managing not to fall. Nevermind. He trips over a chair.

Kaneki anxiously eyes the basket before reaching out a tentative hand to pick one up. He puts it on his plate and does nothing else with it. Only stares at the sesame seeds.

Tsukiyama glances at the butter, taking the small packet into his hand. “What is this substance? It reminds me of piss.” He opens it curiously, dipping a finger in.

Ayato ignores the wheat based ruckus and moves onto the ketchup. He pours it into his palm and uses it like hand sanitizer.

Hide nibbles a slice of bread. It is warm. Fresh out of the oven. Just like mother. And also Honami.

Tsukiyama gapes at the bread heel currently facing him. He’s transfixed by it, memorizing its shape, the direction each of the small indents go, the heat radiating off it. Very slowly, a face emerges from the heel, it opens its eyes, gazing into Tsukiyamas soul.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ within you.”

They maintain eye contact for a moment longer before the face recedes back into the bread. Tsukiyama blinks, looking around to see if anyone else heard that.

They hadn't.

Naki shows back up with more bread, since the three waters and single burger they ordered were taking forever, and he had an overstock of bread back in the kitchen. They needed to get rid of it somehow.

Ayato slowly inserts both hands into the new basket, finally acknowledging the bread. The dough reminds him of the soft feel of bee honey as well as the small, soft, and warm blue girl.

It’s still tense ten minutes later when Naki returns, carrying Hides burger.

“The water’s will be a little longer, we’ve gotten so many orders for it lately we’re running out!” He chuckles to himself, as if the short supply of H2O is a laughable issue. Californians everywhere glare at Naki.

“Thanks.” Hide takes a bite and gives a thumbs up. However Naki does not leave.

Ayato glances at the other ghoul suspiciously, raiseing his eyebrows, “You can go now.”

“Hi welcome to Chili’s.”

Tsukiyama and Kaneki become aware of Naki’s prolonged presence, they notice he’s only staring at Hide.

“How is it?”

The human swallows, “It’s good..”

“That’s nice.”

It’s a very awkward four minutes as Hide finishes the burger, only once he’s wiping his mouth with a napkin does Naki leave.

“We need to get the fuck out of here.”

They all collectively agree, quickly dashing out of the booth and parkouring through the tables. Ayato swings from chandelier to chandelier, Tsukiyama sliding on his stubs towards the door, Kaneki naruto runs on top of the ledge of booths, and Hide is casually walking with his hands behind his head.

Hide goes to pull the door open but is intercepted and body slammed into the wall.

“Hi welcome to Chili’s.”

Tsukiyama glares and steps up to Naki, he stares deep into his eyes and repeats the phrase a dear friend once told him, “ **Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, _germinates_ within you.** ”

The waiter falls to the floor, foaming from the mouth. The phone which was recording the entire time slides out of his grasp. Kaneki smashes through the doors and they are free.

Everyone sprints down the street and GO until they can’t see the damned restaurant anymore. The sun is setting and the ground is covered in pink peep sugar.

They can hear the roaring flames and see the glow before even taking the corner. The apartment is on fire, big surprise. Hinami and Honami are nowhere to be found.

“Tsukiyama-san, can we stay at your place tonight?”

“Oui, it seems we don’t really have any other choice.”

They backflip to the Tsukiyama Estate. Tsukiyama presses the button to open the gates, Razor Scooters already ready for them to ride considering it's about a mile from the main entrance to the actual mansion. It’s a long treacherous journey, but they make it.

Hide throws his arms up and jogs around, he’s never been in such a fancy place before.

“Matsumae!” Tsukiyama calls, plopping down into an armchair, “Drinks please!”

A nicely dressed lady comes in with wine. She looks so tired, quickly eroding away into dust.

Kaneki, Ayato, and Hide sit in the remaining armchairs. Tsukiyama passes out the decorative wine glasses and takes a sip of his own.

“Tsukiyama-san,” Kaneki looks down into his glass, “We’re minors.”

At that Ayato quickly downs his cup, smirking to himself, haha he was such a rebel. That’ll show _thE MA **N**._

The older ghoul just laughs, looking Kaneki dead in the eyes, “Yolo.” He whispers.

Hide takes a sip, “Mmmhh! Try it Kaneki, it’s not half bad.” He drinks almost the rest of it after, amazed at the flavor.

The half ghoul looks nervous as he brings the cup to his lips, but gulps it down anyways. Quickly his face lights up, “Oh wow, this is really good!”

“Thank you.” Tsukiyama beams, “I’d expect it to taste well to us, it is fermented blood after all!”

Hide freezes, he looks down at his empty glass, then back up at Tsukiyama.

“Blood as in, human blood?”

Tsukiyama winks, “You betcha.”

Suddenlied gakupoo.

Hide puts the glass down and shoves everything off the table in front of them. After everything has shattered on the floor, he lays down on top of the table to think about his life.

“I’m a cannibal, you had me, a human, drink human blood. I’m a fucking cannibal now. What the fuck. Am I gonna morph into a ghoul? Or am I just gonna be a regular cannibal like Shia Labeouf? What the fuck is wrong with you.”

“Hide, I-”

“No, Kaneki. No. No words now. Only regrets. How am I gonna face my mom. Do I even have a mom. Am I even human in the first place?”

Hide is not ok.

Kaneki drags him up so he isn’t just facedown on the table, instead sitting on it. He refuses to get on the chair again.

“Babe, b..abE, bebe. Come on, its no biggie deal.” Ayato slurs, throwing an arm around Hides shoulder. Kaneki looks at him, raising an eyebrow. Unless Ayato had grabbed and chugged one of the fallen bottles when he wasn’t looking, that was only the ghoul’s second glass.

“Bebe, thats like… pepe. yOu’re my pepe babe. My memeb bab..” Ayato crawls onto Hide, giggling. “My meme. Mmemes. mMMmmmmmemes.”

Tsukiyama clears his throat, “I believe it’s pronounced même.”

“Shut the up fuck Tsukiyam.” Kaneki throws his empty glass at the chandelier.

“kamoakaboa kabk gam o key”

Hide pats his drunken boyfriends back. “That’s right, buddy.”

i actually passed out when we were writing this but we'll continue drunk ayatos adventures next time i just wanna post this before the chilis memes dead


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *erik estrada voice* there he is

Ayato beginning slipping out of Hide’s lap, sliding down slowly. Hide, the wonderful boyfriend he is, makes no attempt to stop him. Ayato falls out of Hide and onto the floor where he makes a gurgling noise before going silent. He doesn’t move for a while and everyone assumes he passed out.

“Well, we know not to give him a lot of alcohol from now on.” Tsukiyama declares.

“Alcohol?! You mean fucking blood?!?” Hide sleeves.

Tsukiyama points to himself, “Ghoul.” Then points to the other, “Human.”

Kaneki sighs.

Ayato begins twitching and manages to get up, all wobbly like the complete fucking mess he is and tries to reclimb into Hide’s lap. Despite his best efforts, his legs give out and Ayato goes down, head slamming into Hide’s knee and knocking himself out cold.

“Wow.” Hide comments.

“Graceful. I give him a ten out of ten.” Kaneki utters, reminded of the elevator incident with Kanae and Hude.

Tsukiyama takes another sip of his wine, “Well now that he’s out of the way, Hideyoshi, would you be so kind as to explain what Uta’s planning?”

“Oh, yeh,” The blonde taps a finger on his chin in thought, “Well he’s trying to control everybody with stubs.”

Tsukiyama nods, looking down at his handless hands.

“You were the first test subject, and he wanted you to join him, although he probably told you that.”

Kaneki exhales, “We know all this already, let’s skip to the important question, what does he want with me?”

Tsukiyama looks at Kaneki like  cause wasn’t Uta’s plan for world domination a little more top priority god damn.

Hide hiddles, “I think Kanae just fucked up and took you by mistake.”

“Wow okay, I’m not even worth being a hostage now, huh?” Kaneki mumbles, feeling rejected.

Tsukiyama interrupts Kaneki’s egotism, “Wait, doesn’t Haise also have stubs?”

“Who the fuck is Haise.” The half ghoul questions.

“The manager from 711, when we could eat human food that one time. Hes staying at our house, Kaneki. So is Naki from Chili’s. How do you forget these things?

“Oh. Yeah.”

Hide gasps, only now registering what Tsukiyama said, “Wait, pudding heads got stubs too?!”

“I believe so, penso.”

Ayato gurgles again, adjourning the conversation. He goes quiet after a few moments and they go back to talking.

“We have to kill Uta.”

“What?”

Hide tenses, “He’ll try to bring Haise over to his side using any means necessary.”

“Shit!,” Tsukiyama screams, “Shitto! Shit!”

“Then we just have to convince Haise to stay on our side, easy enough considering we’re letting him stay at our place.” Kaneki retaliates.

“Happy 413 guys!” Ayato stammers, rising up from the ground.

Hide pats him on the back, “Um, what?”

“HAPPY 413! WOO!”

“What does that ev-”

“FUCKASS XD”

“Ayato it’s the 14th.”

“Actually, it’s the 16th, but the previous line was written on the 14th.” Tsukiyama corrects.

“Written?? Previous line?” Hide questions.

“So what, are you like a Tsukiyama from the future?” Kaneki asks jokingly.

“Well that makes you a Kaneki from the future too, since that line just now was also written on the 16th.”

Kaneki and Tsukiyama clink glasses knowingly, both staring at the camera like in The Office.

Hide raises an eyebrow, “What are you guys looking at?”

“GO-” but before Ayato could get the last G out, Kaneki grabs one of the bottles and smashes it over Ayato’s head, reminded of the dark dark ages. He couldn’t let it happen. Not again.

Ayato is out cold again and hopefully stays out for the rest of the night, or at least until he and Hide leave so Kaneki doesn’t have to handle it.

“So. Haise.”

Hide grunts, “Yeah.”

Kaneki is about to take another sip of his drink before pausing. “Chotto matte, has anyone actually seen Haise in a while?

“Not since chapter 9.” Tsukiyama replies, slightly sweating.

“And its chapter 14. Oh my god. We need to make sure Uta doesn’t find him before we do.” Kaneki slams down his glass on the table for emphasis on the seriousness of the shituation.

“Chapters??” Hide asks.

“Shut up Hide.” Kaneki waves him off, pronouncing it like the english hide again, gdi.

“It’s _Hide_ you asshole.”

“Actually it’s Mr. Fluffy.” Ayato peeks his head up from in between Hide’s left

 

  
legs.

“Don’t reveal daddys secrets outside of the bathroom,” Hide pats his head.

Ayato whines.

“No. No. Shut up. Speak another word and I’ll fucking kick you both out right now and its not even my house. I never want to hear about your sex life and I never want to hear Hide refer to himself as daddy for the rest o f my fuckign life I hate you both so much.” Kaneki puts his head in his hands, let him rest.

“Mommy, he’s being mean to me.” Ayato crawls into Hides lap.

Two minutes later, Ayato and Hide find themselves outside of Tsukiyama’s manor, watching Kaneki slam the door and lock it, true to his word.

Kaneki strolls back in and sprawls out in an armchair, “Time to Le.”

Tsukiyama swirls some more wine around in his glass, “Time to Le.”

“Right here?” Kaneki strips off his shirt.

“It’s not like anybodies home.” Tsukiyama begins unbuttoning his pants.

“Swee-”

“LET’S MCFREAKIN LOSE IT!”

Kaneki and Tsukiyama whip their heads towards the newcomers voice, the large fancy doors slam open, and in strolls a small girl carrying a mcdonalds bag.

Tsukiyama pales, “Chie?”

“Yo.”

“What are you doing here…” The ghoul tries to subtly nod in Kaneki’s direction implying that he’s quite busy at the moment and to please leave.

Hori Chie strolls over and sits in the armchair Hide had claimed earlier. She reaches into the paper bag and takes out some chicken mcnuggies.

“...”

“Oh don’t mind me,” She waves a mcnugget at them, “Please continue where you left off.”

“Tsukiyama-san,” Kaneki begins, “Who is this?”

“My pet mouse.”

“Oh, I hadn’t realized you had that kind of relationship with others.” Kaneki responds, cheeks slightly tinting pink.

Chie chokes on a chicken nugget.

“Christ no.” She wheezes out once she stops dying.

“Mmmhh.” Kaneki squints his eyes, inspecting the girl. “WaIT!” He pulls Tsukiyama to the side quickly and whispers, “Shes human?!”

“Oui.”

“Does she _know_?”

“Oui oui.”

Kaneki 

“Why are you acting like its a big deal, Hide knows we're ghouls, I’m pretty sure everyone knows actually.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot canon issues didn’t really apply here.”

They both turn around to face Chie, who is currently on top of the coffee table pouring Dr. Pepper on her head.

“GET OUTTA YO MIND!”

“Well put, little mouse.” Tsukiyama pours the remains of his glass of wine on the floor, which he was still holding for some reason.

Kaneki clears his throat. “‘K. Is it time to Le yet.”

The flash of a camera goes off, and the half ghoul has to wait a few moments to see clearly again. Chie smirks in satisfaction as the picture swooces out of her camera.

A few more flashes go off, this time in Tsukiyamas direction.

“Let me see.”

Chie starts backing away, “Nah.”

Tsukiyama begins fast walking towards her. Chie accelerates.

Within the next few seconds she’s nyoomed far into the manor, too far. He looks at where she vanished and takes a moment to mourn, Chie may be lost forever. He quickly gets over it, walking back to Kaneki.

“Time to Le.”

Tsukiyama slams Kaneki onto the piano. The beginning of Chopin’s Prelude in E-minor plays thanks to Kaneki’s ass.

Kaneki went to pull down the ghouls boxer briefs. Boxer briefs are a kind of men’s underwear that are part boxers, part briefs, but they let the ghoul show off more of his package without looking like he’s wearing kid underwear.

The boxer briefs were made in Italy. He could tell because they had a name on them in Italian. Kaneki finally slid them down, revealing Tsukiyama’s naked manity, and just then every speaker in the mansion started playing the hit song from A-ha, “Take On Me.”

“Shhhh,” Tsukiyama said, putting his fingerless fingers to his lips. He did not let the half ghoul touch him or make eye contact until the song was over.

While they did.. whatever that was, Hide and Ayato, quickly sneaked off into another room. After crawling back inside after Chie opened the doors, they had watched the shuuneki scene unfold. Hide felt sick.

“It’s so dark in here… babe…” Ayato feels around aimlessly for a lightswitch. He wasn’t as out of it as before, but still drunk.

“Aha!” (Not the Take On Me A-ha.) Hide cheers, having found the light switch and flipping it.

Both freeze. The room was painted a royal purple, and smelt faintly of roses. Covering the walls were hundreds upon hundreds of framed portraits. Self portraits. They were all of Tsukiyama.

“What the fuck.”

Hide walks deeper into the room, inspecting some of the selfies. There was Tsukiyama sitting in a large chair. Tsukiyama reading. Tsukiyama at the beach. Tsukiyama getting chased by seagulls. Tsukiyama eating some unfortunate person. Tsukiyama naked in a field of daisies. Tsukiyama playing tennis. Tsukiyama driving a car. Tsukiyama crashing a car. Tsukiyama pissing. Tsukiyama outside some poor stranger’s apartment window. Tsukiyama getting maced outside some poor stranger’s apartment window. Tsukiyama mimicking Katy Perry’s California Gurls pose, clouds and all. Tsukiyama’s high school class photos. Tsukiyama at prom with a picture of Pepe the frog. Tsukiyama dodging shit. Tsukiyama drinking a Dr. Pepper with Chie. Tsukiyama spitting out that Dr. Pepper onto Chie. Tsukiyama mcfreakin losing it while Chie gets outta her mind. Tsukiyama outside of Anteiku flashing a peace sign. Tsukiyama harassing a Bath and Body Works employee because they sent him the wrong kind of candle. Tsukiyama as a child. Tsukiyama stealing a child.

“Holy shit.” Ayato murmurs, there was still so much more.

Tsukiyama posing with Cool Cat. Tsukiyama posing with Cool Cat’s Mom. Tsukiyama posing with Derek Savage, aka Daddy Derek. Tsukiyama chasing down and eating Daddy Derek. Tsukiyama kicking sand in Cool Cat’s face. Tsukiyama stealing Cool Cat’s eyelids. Tsukiyama posing while Cool Cat goes on one of his intense drug binges and trips the fuck out. Tsukiyama taking Cool Cat’s fur suit and running off with it, Cool Cat powerless to stop him as he is still tripping the fuck out.. Tsukiyama lounging with Erik Estrada and Vivica A. Fox. Tsukiyama harassing the local youth.

“These ones seem more recent.” Hide observes.

Tsukiyama flashing a thumbs up with Hinami while a burning Walaboo is in the background. Tsukiyama and Hinami running from an angry Kaneki. Tsukiyama gifting Hinami her hand eyerings. Tsukiyama and Hinami posing with a sleeping Kaneki. Tsukiyama drawing a dick on Kaneki’s face. Tsukiyama and Hinami ruining Kaneki’s laptop while he still sleeps. Tsukiyama destroying Love Live. Tsukiyama and Hide flashing peace signs together for some reason.

“I don’t remember that.” Hide is disturbed.

Tsukiyama and Hide laughing in front of a bonfire. Tsukiyama and Hide in a photobooth posing and making faces.

“I don’t remember those either.”

Tsukiyama and Hide making out.

“Wait what.”

Ayato turns to his boyfriend, “Bro..”

“I have no recollection of that happening.” Hide counters, on the defense.

“Do you think him and eyepatch would be down for a foursome.”

“WE ARE NOT HAVING A FOURSOME WITH _THEM_.”

Tsukiyama and Hide looking ready to Le.

Hide tears down the painting.

Ayato looks at him, shocked. “I hadn’t realized you two had such a close relationship.”

“THAT ONES NOT EVEN A PICTURE. THERE’S NO PROOF THAT HAPPENED!”

Ayato makes the woah just take it easy man gesture.

“Let’s just get the hell out of this room, christ.” Hide pulls on Ayatos arm and leads him away.

The next room they end up in is the pool room.

“How rich, do you have to be, to have a fucking indoor pool.” The Hide grumbles, obviously jealous.

“I bet if we were foursome buddies you’d have free access to this pool 24/7.”

“Shut.”

They walk closer to the edge, Ayato sniffs the air and makes a face.

“Something seems.. off..”

Hide nods and crouches, noticing a yellow tint to the water.

“Is that, is that fucking piss.”

“Oh my god.”

They run.

Sprinting from the room, they find another door down the hallway and look at it nervously.

“Well, third time's the charm right?” Hide laughs, trying to lighten the mood. Ayato is traumatized.

Hide cautiously opens the door, light slowly filling in the dark room. They poke their heads in and see the glow from a T.V. It’s playing nothing but static.

In front of the T.V, they see Hori Chie covered in blood and crouching over the dead body of Ronald McDonald. Chicken McNuggets cover the floor around them. She slowly turns to face them, Ayato and Hide stand there petrified.

“Get outta yo mind.”

Hide slams the door shut.

“Ayato, I want to go home.”

“Same, lets GO.” He snaps his fingers, and the bees fly in. They cling onto his arms and begin carrying Ayato away. Hide grabs onto his legs and they are gone.

Elsewhere, Kaneki and Tsukiyama have moved to the bedroom. The Leing continues, ten times harder this time since they no longer have to worry about breaking the Piano.

Tsukiyama pulls a Koujaku and holds Kaneki’s hand when he comes. Le complete. If I could write smut I wouldn’t be writing this ok.

The next morning, Kaneki wakes up to the sun in his eyes and a sleeping Tsukiyama sprawled out next to him. The half ghoul smilks at the sight, stretching and quietly getting out of bed.

He wanders to the kitchen to find a large book on the counter. Kaneki pages through the cook book in Tsukiyama’s kitchen. The kitchen was the size of a helicopter. The kind of helicopter that they had done buttstuff in. Also it was made of gold.

The cookbook was full of strange recipes: “One egg, a blindfold, two whips."

Kaneki spun around as Tsukiyama used his fingers to surprise his shoulders.

"I see you found my cooking books,” he said observantly.

Kaneki nervously asked him, “What kind of a recipe is this?"

He laughed a sexy laugh that a handsome seal would make in some sort of sex zoo. "That’s a book on how to make sex breakfasts, and I’m going to make one for you.”

“Oh, um..” Kaneki begins backing away.

Tsukiyama pushes the book into Kaneki’s chest. “Fear is over.” He whispers.

Chie begins preparing bacon, whistling as she flips them over.

“Oh, you’re still here.” Tsukiyama comments, having just noticed her presence.

“Yep, you guys want some?” She puts the crispy bacon on a plate.

“Sure.”

They all sit at the table, Chie digs right in, Tsukiyama and Kaneki freeze.

“This is like Chili’s all over again.”

The Gourmet pales.

Kaneki sighs, “Okay fuck this, we’re going to be humans today, k?”

“Cool.”

Kaneki claps, the lights flicker and they are now humans like in chapter whatever that chapter was when they went to 711. i honestly dont remember any of that chapter did it even happen

“You have The Clapper.” Chie deadpans.

“It’s a fun and creative way to turn on the lights, I like to spice things up a bit. Tsukiyama retaliates.

Kaneki shoves all of the bacon on his plate into his mouth. “I’ve missed this.”

“Ah, _ukusan_.” Tsukiyama twirls some of his bangs with a piece of bacon.

“Okay I can usually get in the ballpark of what language you’re using but what the fuck is that.”

“That’s Croatian.” Chie answers.

Tsukiyama turns to her, surprised, “How do you know that.”

“I’m actually an AI with google translate installed.”

“Oh, okay.” They go back to eating their bacon. Chie’s made a seemingly endless amount, but with dedication and how strongly Kaneki missed bacon its gone within 20 minutes.

“Should we still be human or we done?” Kaneki asks.

Tsukiyama shrugs.

They sit at the kitchen table staring at nothing for the rest of the day.


	15. Chapter 15

Kaneki wakes up in his own house to the soothing sounds of Hinami and Honami chanting, “Flesh mall! Flesh mall!”

“Excuse me.”

Hinami flings her decapitated head around and stares at him. “Kaneki-onii-chan! We’re going to the flesh mall!”

“Why is your head not attached to your body!?”

“Unimportant. Flesh mall! Flesh mall! Flesh mall!!”

Kaneki still has no idea what she’s talking about. He gets out of bed, ready for another hellish day and goes downstairs for coffee.

“Good morning, Kaneki-kun.” Tsukiyama sips at his own cup. Hinami’s at the table with him, even though she was just upstairs mere seconds ago.

“Morning.” Kaneki grunts out, he opens the fridge and almost punches Chie in the face on his way to get some juice.

“Why are you in the fridge?”

“Unimportant.”

Kaneki’s starting to see a theme this morning.

“Can you pass me the juice?”

Chie hands him the OJ, taking a picture of him quickly before the fridge gets shut in her face.

Kaneki pours a glass, then dumps it down the sink. He can’t orange juice.

“Would you like to join us to the flesh mall?”

“What the fuck is the flesh mall?”

Tsukiyama gasps, “You’ve never been?!”

“No?!”

“It’s a mall that sells human parts that we can eat! Mommy used to take me before she fucking died.” Hinami informs him.

Kaneki :-o

Hinami rises up and transcends through the ceiling danny phantom style. Bye.

“The flesh mall is a great place, only ghouls are allowed entry as well, I’m surprised you hadn't heard of it before.” Tsukiyama stands, literally smashing his empty coffee mug on the table, shards fly into his eyes.

“Excuse me for being human for the majority of my life like, what do you want from me” Kaneki goes.

 

Ham

Honami crawls downstairs and Naki emerges from the worm pit. “Did somebody say flesh mall?”

Kaneki notices Naki still isn’t wearing any clothes besides his boxers, just like at Chilis.

“So where exactly is this flesh mall?” Kaneki questions.

“Fufu.” A window spontaneously shatters.

“That doesn’t answer my question but ok.”

Hinami puts her head back on. “Time to FLESH.”

“Hold on, apparently I’m disgusted at ham.” Tsukiyama interrupts, making a resentful face.

“Ok anyways,” Kaneki starts, “Leggo.”

They all pile into Hinami’s barbie jeep, just like the good old days. She floors it, the wind caused by the sheer force of her speed picks Naki up and blows him away.

“Goodbye.” Kaneki whispers.

Tsukiyama breathes a sigh of relief.

A year later, they arrive at FLESH MALL. Outside is a man riding around on a segway patrolling the area. With one glance Kaneki can tell that he’s extremely strong.

Tsukiyama inhales deeply, “Ah I’ve missed this place.”

Hinami and Honami run past them, mumbling something about finger markets.

“Don’t wander off too far now!” Kaneki calls after them.

“They’ll be fine, the little ladies little ladies little ladies little ladies.”

“Ah, I see.”

The pair finally get past the doors and Kaneki’s jaw drops. It’s like a ghouls paradise inside. All the walls and every other surface is completely made of flesh. How did they get away with this.

Each store sells a different part of the human body, and other human things edible to ghouls, such as monster energy. Ghouls can drink that apparently according to chapter 1? or 2 i think idk but i just remembered that was a thing.

“What are you in the mood for tonight, Kaneki-kun?”

“Mmmhm.. arms maybe?”

“Ohoho, excellent choice! Follow me.”

Tsukiyama stretches his legs to the second floor, the rest of his body whipping up like a pulled back elastic. Kaneki follows him using his kagune.

They enter the arm shop. The guy behind the register makes eye contact with Tsukiyama and a smile instantly appears on his lips, “Hey man!”

“Aaayy!” Tsukiyama shouts, going over and giving him a hug and high five before returning to his spot next to Kaneki.

“Do you know him?”

“I have never seen that man before in my life.”

“Well.”

They’re the only customers in the store besides a short boy with orange unruly hair and another boy with him who has black hair and looks uncomfortable in the current environment.

Tsukiyama glares at the duo, “Something isn't right here.” He sniffs the air then snaps his fingers.

“Humans! They’re humans!” He bolts behind the register, pushing the employee out of the way and smashing a red button under the counter. The doors to the store instantly lock and an alarm starts going off.

“What’s happening!?” Kaneki shouts over the loud noise.

“Humans aren’t allowed in here! Didn’t I tell you that? They gotta GO.”

The orange haired one begins stuffing as many arms as possible into his mouth while making distressed bird noises, while the taller of the two begins whacking him on the head and calling him a dumbass.

The man on the segway from earlier slowly peddles in, he has a name tag that reads “Paul Blart.”

“I’m gonna have to ask you two to leave.” Paul informs the two humans.

They hang their heads in shame and walk out, many detached arms trailing behind them.

Paul Blart winks at the only employee who’s currently on the floor thanks to Tsukiyama before getting back on his segway and nyooming away.

“What the actual fuck.” Kaneki wheezes.

“Flesh mall is such an exciting place.” Tsukiyama sincerely murmurs.

“Kay well.” Kaneki walks over to the hooks holding the limbs and looks over them for a while. He punches one of the hanging arms next to him. “The sjws.”

After staring at a single arm for another hour, he picks up a different one and marches over to Tsukiyama and begins ramming it against his stub.

“Fuse.” He whispers, eyes full of concentration and determination.

“Kaneki-kun, what are you doing?” Tsukiyama asks, raising an eyebrow.

“ **Fuse.** ” He shoves the arm on the stub harder, brows furrowed, as if pressing the arm to his stub would make it go away.

“Do you.. do you not like my stubs?” Tsukiyama feels hurt and betrayed.

“It’s not like that.”

“If you can’t accept my stubs Kaneki-kun, then you can’t accept me.” The Gourmet turns and skips away, tears in his eyes.

Kaneki stares, not knowing what the fuck to do now since he has no idea how to navigate the flesh mart.

He figures he better start looking around for the little ladies or like, a map. Kaneki slaps the single worker in there with the arm he was holding, drops the arm, and walks out.

The store he passes next is one for toes, not really his thing so he keeps walking. After that is kidneys, then hair. What the fuck. What ghoul eats hair?!”

“Oi.”

Kaneki turns around, hopeful that it might be his boyfriend.

It’s not.

“Aren’t you the guy that was fucking in my store?” The man asks, steadily approaching the other.

“Uh…” Kaneki tries to run, but is grabbed by the shoulder and spun around.

“Then you stole the MOM ride seats, I had to pay for those you know!”

Kaneki panics and punches the other in the face, sending him flying and rendering him unconscious, also with broken glasses. With that handled, Kaneki sprints off in the other direction.

Paul Blart rides past and gives him a wink. Kaneki shivers.

It’s at that moment he also realizes the only mall cop there is human. Okay.

The half ghoul continues running and passes a place that sells knees and elbows. While distracted by looking at the knees and elbows, he doesn’t see the person he runs directly into.

“O-oh, sorry!” Kaneki quickly goes to help the woman up, freezing once he takes a closer look at her.

“Hinami?”

“Huh?”

“You big.”

The woman looks alarmed and slightly concerned, “Who are you?”

Kaneki places his hands on her face to fix her amnesia or whatever the fuck with his crack fic powers cause he doesn’t feel like dealing with this shit today.

“Hello Onii-chan!”

“Hello Hinami, why are you big.”

“I’m from :Re, so I’m 17!”

“Oh, I see.”

Kaneki doesn’t understand why she’s here but just goes with it.

Big Hinami stands up and Kaneki sees despite being like 3 years older, she’s still 4’11. That must suck.

“So, anything exciting happening in :Re?”

She looks to the side and frowns.

“Nevermind! Let’s get some elbows!”

They each purchase some nice crispy elbows on a stick. Happily munching while walking around.

Meanwhile, Tsukiyama flips over the railing of the second floor, unable to see due to his tears. He lands on his back on the first floor, staring at the ceiling for a moment, disoriented.

When he finally rises, Paul Blart passes by, giving him a wink. Tsukiyama shivers.

The epicurean walks around, ignoring various shops, but the unmarked dim lighted one catches his attention. Tsukiyama pulls back the black curtain that’s in place of a door, intrigued.

“Welcome.” Says ghoul Tamaki Suoh, roses which are actually layers of flesh sharpied red and tapped to a stick blow around behind him.

“Oh. Wow, um.” Tsukiyama wants to get the hell out. All around him are boxes with clear covers, dead? unconscious? humans inside. It was some real freaky blackmarket shit right there.

As he’s about to flee, a human catches his eye. Upon closer inspection he realizes that it’s Haise. Was this where he had been for the past five chapters?!

He stares at the box for a while longer before beginning to sweat. The Kaneki double just smelt so good! He has to have him.

He walks over to Tamaki and taps him on the shoulder. When the blonde turns around, Tsukiyama poses, challenging him to fight.

“There can only be one french pretty boy.” Tsukiyama hisses, striking another pose.

Tamaki lays his leg on the counter in retaliation, dramatically laying a hand on his head.

Tsukiyama crouches on the ground, lookin like hes about to throw the sickest beats 2004’s ever seen.

The two continue going into various poses in a heated battle of dominance. About twenty minutes pass before Tsukiyama’s calves get tired, so he stabs Tamaki with the thorns from his real authentic rose. He dies immediately.

“There can only be one.” Tsukiyama repeats, grabbing the box containing Haise off the self and putting it into a large black bag. He runs.

Paul Blart continues making his rounds, a large grin on his face. “I just love how festive this place gets for Halloween!” He exclaims, taking great joy from the flesh covered shops, all selling fake body parts. Haha. It is April.

They do this all year round. He works here all year round. He has never left the flesh mall once in his entire life.

Hinami and Honami sprint past him, arms full of bags with fingers.

Nishiki is at home. He clenches his fist, a single tear dripping down his cheek. “The essjaydoubleus.” He the begins to _unravel_. Love Hime steadily pumps through the speakers located in every room in his house. He hasn’t moved in months.  
AN;; whatever: essjaydoubleus means sjws. apparently kai didnt get it so just in case  
an: you know what fuck you cherry i thought you were tryin to say essay doubles and i was ????  
an: i havent slept in forever but i understood that i was not trying to say essay doubles. why would i have said essay doubles.  
an: i dont fucikign know maybe nishikis college situation aint goin so well and he just got double the essays he needs to finish like shit idont know what goes on in the poor ghouls life hes just tryin to fit in w/ human societey you ignorant fuck  
an:  
an:

an:

  
“FLESH MALL! FLESH MALL! FLESH MALL!” Ayato shouts, apparently very excited to be inside the famous flesh mall.

“Greetings, Ayato-kun.”

“Ay,” The boy pauses, racking his memories for a name to match the face. He can’t remember it and just ends the sentence there.

“Make any good purchases today?” Tsukiyama questions.

“I got some hair.”

“O-Oh..” Tsukiyama is very unsettled over the fact that he eats human hair.

“Yeah, oh do you think Hide would like anything here?”

“Hide, as in Hideyoshi, the human.”

“Mmmhmh.”

Tsukiyama sighs, “Most likely not.”

“Well he liked the wine you gave him.” Ayato retorts.

“Yes, before he knew it was blood.”

“Tch. Whatever.” He kicks at the ground and slinkies away.

Tsukiyama shrugs, continuing on his journey. He approaches a small stand, kinda like those ones that cell shitty cellphone cases or skin cream in malls you know the ones.

The sign says Slesh.

“Excusez moi, what exactly is slesh?”

“Slesh. Snail flesh. Kinda like snurch. snail church.” The person behind the counter replies.

“Slesh? For eating?”

“Uh huh.”

“But we’re ghouls?”

“Then you suffer.”

Tsukiyama turns around without another word, very offended.

this is my oc tsubomi austin, tsubomi kidos long lost twin brother and main love interest hes grew up in -car horn noise- and was raised by uta. he is the entire illuminati and also the messiah but shhhh thats a sec _r_ et ;) kai (and a little cherry) (mostly austin himself) original design and concept, cherry and partially kai original story.™ _**do not steal!!2!!!11!!!!11!**_ ©, hes a demon also ghoul whos also part cyborg and best friends with sebaschchain from kurposhjsifkjikgfjdfkegnrogl; and also the one from the little mermaid. he has sharp hands and killed kuroha with only a box of rice **his dad is dead becasue he tried to** b **aseball** **:00** 100% original art by cherrp®

“Tsukiyama-san!”

Said man turns around at the familiar voice.

“Kaneki-kun, hello.”

“I’m sorry about earlier.” Kaneki scratches his chin, that was a lie, he’s not sorry, but he also doesn’t want to lose thAT DICK. WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

“It’s okay, I forgive you.”

They smookle.

“Also, this is Big Hinami. Big Hinami say hello.”

“Flower man! It’s so nice to see you not horribly depressed and bedridden, affairs only to be left for your yandere servant!” She smiles cheerfully, greatly contrasting the grave news about Tsukiyama’s possible grim and horrific future she just dropped on them all.

“Pardon.”

“She’s from :Re.” Kaneki informs.

“Idk what that is but, ok.”

They walk.

They keep walking.

Kaneki and Big Hinami show off their purchases.

“What’s in the bag, Tsukiyama-san?”

He begins sweating, they mustn’t know. They mustn’t know about the pudding head in his possession. He was Tsukiyama’s to keep.

“Aha, just some spleens.”

“Nice.”

Tsukiyama wonders how the hell he played that off without any suspicion.

“Well, I think it’s about time we head out? Let’s start looking for the little ladies.”

Kaneki and Big Hinami nod, following Tsukiyama to the third floor where a finger store is located.

Paul Blart goes by on his segway, he winks and tips the air above his head as if he was wearing a hat. All three shiver.

Tsukiyama spots the young ones up ahead, but pauses after feeling an intense gaze locked on him. He glances to the side and freezes.

Uta smiles at him from behind a stand. He makes no indication of remembering anything from their previous encounter, only smiling wider and wider the more time passes. Kaneki hasn’t noticed him yet, being too preoccupied with explaining to Big Hinami who Honami is.

“Meat for boy.”

Tsukiyama’s heart begins beating faster.

“Meat for boy.” Uta gestures towards Kaneki, then to his meat.

The Gourmet swallows nervously, wondering where that mall cop was when you actually needed him.

“Meat for boy.”

Tsukiyama gently places his hands on Kaneki’s shoulders, turning his direction away from the evil man and leading him further ahead. He doesn’t break eye contact with Uta the entire time. The latter continues to smile. A :^) kind of smile. It is eerie.

“Onii-chan!” Hinami and Honami gallop up to the group, “We got so many fingers!”

“How much money did you guys have on you?” Kaneki asks, chuckling a little at their excitement.

“None! We robbed all the finger stores.”

Kaneki sighs, bad habits were hard to break apparently.

“Anyways, Hinami, Honami, meet Big Hinami.” He gestures towards the older Hinami. Hinami looks her over and immediately begins frowning.

“I don’t get any taller?”

“No, but at least you aren't flat chested anymore.” Tsukiyama adds, always an optimist about things.

“I’m 14.”

“Ahah, ah ha.. hah a ha..” He leaves to start the car.

Big Hinami considers investing in a pair of heels.

“Oh!” Kaneki suddenly realizes, almost reading Big Hinami’s thoughts. He whips out two human feet from one of his shopping bags, dropping to a crouch and placing them at the bottom of the older girl.

“Fuse.”

“Onii-chan?”

“ **Fuse.** ”

This time it actually works, the two left feet become one with Big Hinami’s other feet, and she grows a _foot_ taller. Haha.

“Woah.” She now towers over Kaneki and the two other Hinami’s by a longshot.

Kaneki smilks, he knew it would work. Tsukiyama probably wasn’t compatible with the arms. You just had to believe it.

They exit to the parking lot, Paul Blart outside riding around on the segway. He winks and licks his lips. Shiver by The GazettE.

Big Hinami, now living up to her name, quickly knocks Paul Blart off the segway and steals it for herself. Paul Blart falls unconscious and Uta rushes out and grabs him by the legs.

“Meat for boy.” Paul Blart is dragged away into the abyss.

Tsukiyama waits outside the barbie jeep, tapping his foot impatiently, he probably should have asked for the keys before leaving to start the car.

They approach the swagmobile, the closer they get, the more Tsukiyama feels like something is off.

“Not so little lady, have you gotten taller?” The piss haired man asks, stepping up to her.

Kaneki quickly smacks his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. Big Hinami, at 5’11, is now taller than Tsukiyama, who reaches an impressive 5’9.

“I find no amusement in this.” Tsukiyama glares at Kaneki.

“Lmaaaooooo.” Hinami chortles, she pushes him out of the way so she can get in the drivers seat.

“I’ll meet you guys at home.” Big Hinami says, swoocing outta there on the segway.

Honami jumps in the passengers seat, while Tsukiyama sprawls out in the back. Kaneki lays on top of him. They GO.

On the way back to the apartment, Judal glitches across the street, his braids swinging violently behind him. He flips between himself and a strange white void creature a few times. He disappears in an instant. No one mentions the Dark Magi.

Big Hinami makes it home before anyone else, crashing the segway into the door and walking inside. Chie is the only one there, sitting on the couch watching T.V. with the refrigerator beside her, arm wrapped around it protectively.

“Hori-san! It’s good to see you when you aren’t giving out information that could get you killed in exchange for stolen underwear!”

“Who the heck are you? Weren’t you smaller like 7 hours ago?”

Big Hinami simply walks past Chie, ignoring the question and going to uhh idk fight the sjws just end it already 14 pages is TOO MUCH BLAH BLAH JUDAL IS THERE AND SO IS LEORIO GO WE’RE DONE memed on®

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit tho we've surpassed 30,000 words ive never written so much before in my life  
> also send us asks aka stub man ones cause we're thirsty af and love feedback, or just comment here idc, even suggest shit you wanna see in upcoming chapters lmao we might do it


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stub man the anime is out

“Kaneki-kun, did you hear? Stub man got an anime!”

“What.”

“We got an anime.”

They both stare at the camera like in the office, encouraging you to **[click this](http://goanimate.com/videos/0kl21kGeiRFc)** to watch we worked hard on it ok.

cherry flashes a peace sign, they were completely useless with helping make the actual anime footage and admit it.

“Why is my hair so long in it?” Naki comments.

“The models fucking sucked.” Kai replies.

Cherry lurches over, finally giving birth to Hude after three chapters.

Suddenly, Ayato

“Hey babe, long time no see.” Hude slithers up to the boy, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “You treatin’ my bro good?”

“Uh huh.” Ayato is slightly uncomfortable with the others presence, but refuses to ruin his cool and calm facade by throwing Hude across the room.

Tsukiyama enters, his hair now blue like in ishidas most recent drawings.

“I really like that color. It differentiates you and from that purple anime monstrosity.”

“Yes,” The Gourmet agrees, running a hand through his hair, “It does.” He strikes a drill. Then he strikes a pose. He does not move from that spot for hours.

Everyone is silent, mourning what could have been in root a. Seven hours go by before someone moves again.

“Enough with that, we’re going to Hot Topic.” Ayato clasps his hands together, determined.

“I’m determined that he’s determined.” Kaneki comments.

Hude finally gets off of Ayato, “Damn.”

Kaneki and Tsukiyama freeze at the same time, they had forgotten, in reality Kai had forgotten while writing this but

“Wait, you’re a bad, you tried to have me killed!” Kaneki shouts, pointing an accusing finger at the blue man.

“Haha I sure did.” Hude affirms.

Tsukiyamas kagune makes its appearance, his eyes going black and red.

“What the fuck did I miss.” Ayato has no clue what is going on, no one informed him of recent events.

“Let me handle it, this is my fight.” Kaneki rests a hand on Tsukiyama’s shoulder to settle him down, calmly walking towards the Snude (snail hude)

Hude throws his shirt off like a straight white boy about to brawl, Ayato basks in the view.

The torch that was on the wall the entire time is snatched by Kaneki, he throws it at Hude while Tsukiyama plays the piano for background battle music.

“Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)! Snuck (snail fuck)!”

Hude runs around in circles burning and screaming, the fire making him a purplish color.

“Aight now that that’s settled, to the mall.” Ayato leads them out the door onto the tricycles. They ride.

  
“It’s so dark in here.” Tsukiyama notes, entering the Hot Topic store. Heavy metal blasting through the speakers.

“Yo.” Says the man behind the counter. He has white hair that goes to his chin, parted in the middle, as well as black lipstick. He is wearing a pineapple crop top.

“Aaayyy.” Aaayyyato walks up to the counter and they chat.

Kaneki looks at some leather pants. “Mmmh.”

Tsukiyama makes a disgusted face.

Kaneki picks them up and stares at its tight elastic material for a while before turning to the pineapple shirt man. “Is there somewhere I can try this on?”

“You can use,” He pauses, glancing around, “ _the room_.”

“Excuse me??”

“ _The room_.”

“Yeah I heard you just fine but that doesn't explain what the room is.”

Seidou is breathing heavily. He raises a scarily pale hand and points to an ominous door in the very back that Kaneki had assumed was where they kept extra shirts and shit. The limited lighting in the store only makes it look freakier.

Even worse was the small hallway leading to _the room._ Once Kaneki entered, the [Goosebumps theme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDaFPMHrEP0) started playing. Tsukiyama was close behind him, Kaneki didn’t want to go alone. They stop right in front of the door, squinting in the darkness since there weren’t any lights in the hallway. Over the Goosebumps theme Kaneki faintly hears some emo band screaming from the actual store, deciding he doesn’t want to go back there either.

While Tsukiyama and Kaneki are stuck in Hot Topic limbo, Ayato tries to open the wall of death. He hops around, head low, and arms waving up and down to encourage people to join him. Besides Seidou, there’s a reddish brown haired girl who clearly wants nothing to do with him and is looking at nail polish, a boy too young to be in this store browsing the shirts, the boys mother who is clearly uncomfortable, and Tsubomi Austin.

They all ignore the moshing man. Ayato hops over to the boy and his mother, bumping into the woman and head banging. She moves to the other side of the clothing rack.

Ayato does a backflip and ends up next to the girl, he begins stomping. She laughs like sweetie :) and leaves the store, bangles on her wrist jangling.

Tsubomi Austin stares at the steadily approaching ghoul, his eyes go sharingan and he does some jitsu to disappear.

With no customers left to mosh with, Ayato hops over the counter and jumps up and down. He smashes into Seidou.

The Hot Topic worker turns the music up as loud as it can go, then grabs something from under the register. It is a decapitated head.

Seidou swings it around by the hair, joining Ayato in the moshing. There are a total of three heads banging now.

Anyone approaching the store even thinking about going inside immediately turns around and leaves.

Kaneki and Tsukiyama are about to head back but see the scene going on with Ayato, Seidou, and the head and decide to take their chances with _the room._ Kaneki takes a deep breath before opening the door.

It doesn’t seem too bad, just an empty room painted blood red for all those emo fucks in here and a mirror on the door. They swooce right in.

Instantly the smell of Dr. Pepper hits their noses.

“Hello boys.”

They whip around to find Chie sitting in a chair that hadn’t been there before.

“C-Chie, what a pleasant surprise.” Tsukiyama stammers.

“Surprise, yeah.”

“Why are you dressed like that.” Kaneki notices she’s decked out in full Hot Topic gear and looks like a preteen in their emo phase minus the hair dye and bangs covering most of the face (like Tsubomi Austin.) She has shitty rainbow hair extensions clipped into her hair though, you know the ones.

“Don’t talk about my fashion choices when you’re holding leather pants 3 sizes too small.”

Kaneki stares at her, he didn’t ask to be ridiculed over his fashion choices. He didn’t even want to go in the room. Nande? Nande.

Tsukiyama makes a loud “oOOOOHHHHH” noise, sick burns on Kaneki-chan.

“You like me in my battle suit, these,” He holds up the pants, “Aren’t really any different.” Kaneki glares at him.

“Damn, you got me, you got me good.” Tsukiyama hangs his head.

“xD” Chie chortles.

“Excuse?”

Chie clips in another neon extension, she opens her mouth, the first few notes to Welcome to the Black Parade come out.

fun fact cherry has somehow literally never heard this song

“Kaneki-kun.. I don’t think this is my little mouse.”

The half ghoul nods in agreement, hand reaching for the doorknob.

“When I was, a young boy, my father, took me into the city, to see a marching band.”

“Chie you never knew your father.”

“He said, ‘Son when, you grow up, would you be, the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?’”

“Tsukiyama-san we have to go.”

Kaneki picks his boyfriend up and runs, smashing through the door of the room. They are met with Disturbed’s Down with the Sickness on full volume. They can feel the vibrations of the bass through the floor like a small earthquake. A shirt falls down from (vans) off the wall.

Seidou is going at it **hard**. His body making 30° angles with his headbangs. White locks move in a blur, feet stomping every which way. His grip on the hair is vigorous, decapitated head swinging around wildly. It finally rips off at the scalp and smashes into a poster of some emo band, Kaneki had no idea who it was, they all look the same. 70 mph. They were painted whiter than Mutsuki in shitty fanarts and were posing as if they were screaming, tongues out, looking like literally every other band on the wall. Besides the One Direction poster. Why the fuck does Hot Topic have 1D shit? This is why I don’t go there anymore. It can’t even keep a basic theme I have never met an emo kid who likes 1D who are they marketing this towards.

Kaneki doesn’t understand Hot Topic.

Ayato lays on the ground, head slowly bleeding out. There’s some blood also on the counter ledge so you can guess what happened there.

“He’s down for the count.” Tsukiyama notes.

“No, he’s do̧͡w̕͏n҉̨ w̨̛it̀͟h͝͞ ̨̢t̵̕h̡e҉̢̨ ̡͢s̀i̢c̴̕͠k̡͝n̴̨͞è̕s̀ş̢͢.͢.” Seidou screams.

“Let the bodies hit the floor.” Chie whispers in Kaneki’s ear, he shudders.

“Please go away.”

Emo Chie obeys his request, melting into black goo and sinking down into the floorboards.

Hide stands outside the store, a Forever 21 bag in his hand, watching the scene before him. His mouth is wide open in shock. The emos are fascinating.

“This ain’t a scene,” Hide laments, “It’s a god damn arms race.”

He sees Touka and Yoriko getting a pretzel nearby and waves to them right as the head Seidou must have repicked up goes flinging through the open doors, slamming into the wall behind him. It splatters, just like that girl from Corpse Party. Touka grabs Yorikos hand and they start running, causing Hide to sigh. He just wanted to make friends with the one of the other normal humans they knew. After the Ronald McDonald incident with Chie, he decided she wasn’t the right one to get to know.

Hide sits down on a bench nearby, waiting for the others to leave the Hot Topic. Cherry also waits for Kai, who probably died playing Love Live again.

Tsubomi Austin walks by, ghoul eye glowing with Sebastian’s contract and also the sharingan.

Kai returns, needing only 5056 more event points until Hanayo. Only 56 more until yet another alpaca.

Tsukiyama latches onto Kaneki like a large man-leach, afraid. They quietly sneak past the thrashing Seidou, who is currently muttering about pineapples and brains like some 7th grader in their zombie phase. Ayato is left on the ground to perish.

“Yo, Kaneki!” Hide jogs up to his friend, relieved he hadn’t made any purchases in that store.

“Hey.” Kaneki takes Tsukiyama off from him.

“Let’s go home.”

Kaneki stares at the camera like in the office.

 

The three of them slouch on the couch, staring at the TV which isn’t even on. Hide munches on chips oh fuck now i really want chips do i even have any brb

There are no RUFFLES® Cheddar & Sour Cream Flavored Potato Chips in Kai’s house, so they settled for cheese nips instead. It’s not the same.

“Wonder where Ayato is..” Hide mulls to himself.

Kaneki and Tsukiyama turn to each other, sweating.

There is a knock on the door.

“I got it.” Kaneki stands, weary, it might be one of Uta’s people.

“Hel-”

“I finally found you.”

Kaneki pales.

“You fuck in my store, insult my bikaku kagune, then do something to me at Flesh Mall I don’t even remember.”

“That’s probably because the author doesn’t remember,” Kaneki scratches his cheek, “Ehehe..”

Nishiki punches the wall, “What does that even mean!?”

“The sjws… they’re here.” Big Hinami whispers from behind the half-ghoul, quivering in fear. Kaneki’s eyes widen, and he quickly slams and locks the door, leaving Nishiki to fend off the sjws on his own.

There’s a scream, a smash, then the door is kicked open.

“Who the hell was that outside? He looked pissed.” Ayato questions, dried blood on his hair.

“It was the Jordans worker.” Tsukiyama smiles fondly at the makeshift MOM ride couch he was currently resting on.

“Well that’s besides the point, y’all fucking left me at the mall!” The boy points an accusing finger at Kaneki.

“Eehh…. look Hide’s here! He was worried about you!” Kaneki hurls Hide at Ayato. They slam into the wall. The blondes head smashing into it, rendering him unconscious.

“Babe.” Ayato pokes his cheek, then glares at Kaneki.

“Who wants coffee!!?!” He slithers to the kitchen.

When Kaneki returns to the living room, only having made coffee for himself, everyone’s situated on the couch. Even Nishiki. It looks like a movie is starting.

“What’re we watching?” Kaneki plops down on Tsukiyamas lap.

Ayato shrugs.

Hide smirkles, “Only the greatest film of our time." He wraps a leg around his boyfriends shoulders, "It reminds me of us.” Hide is somehow still unconscious though.

Nishiki regrets confronting these people.

_“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.”_

Ayato is :-O

“Bees! Those are bees!” Ayato begins clapping, jiggling up and down in his seat.

_“Yellow, black. Yellow, black._   
_Yellow, black. Yellow, black._

"I can relate to this so much?!"

_"Ooh, black and yellow!_   
_Let's shake it up a little.”_

Ayato begins jacking off.

Kaneki, Tsukiyama, and Nishiki stare at him wide eyed and afraid. Hide looks like he’s used to it.

Some time has passed, everyone tries to pay attention to the screen and not the ghoul with his hands down his pants.

_“Everybody knows,_   
_sting someone, you die._   
_Don't waste it on a squirrel._   
_Such a hothead.”_

“Euugghhh!” Ayato throws his head back.

A tear slowly creeps down Tsukiyamas cheek. This movie is ruined for him.

“I’ll be right back.” He sits up, Kaneki sliding off his lap and smacking into the floor. He goes upstairs to his room.

“Ah.. it’s been a while.” Tsukiyama opens the closet door, revealing boxed Haise. He inhales deeply, fingerless fingers twitching.

“Ouais. Ouais. Ouais. Ouais. Ouais. Ouais.”

Tsukiyamas chin gets longer and sharper, his stubs grow, and his hair flashes purple.

He blacks out.

Downstairs, Vanessa Bloome has finally made her appearance.

“See! See!” Hide points to the screen.

“She’s friends with a bee, oh my god, Hide.”

“Yeah!”

Ayato wipes his eyes with the tissues he had used to clean himself up with earlier, “They’re such good friends, they love each other.”

Hide hugs him, “Just like us, you’re my Barry, Ayato.”

“And you’re my Vanessa.”

They smile at each other fondly before kissing. On the other side of the couch, Nishiki is shivering. Kaneki has left long ago.

“To reinforce their hives, bees use a resin from poplar and evergreen trees called propolis. It’s basically beehive glue. Although bees use it as caulk, humans use it to fight off bacteria, viruses, and fungi. Research shows that propolis taken from a beehive may relieve cold sores, canker sores, herpes, sore throat, cavities, and even eczema.”

Hide moans.

“Not only are honeycombs the most efficient structures in nature—the walls meet at a precise 120-degree angle, a perfect hexagon.”

Hide sits in Ayatos lap.

“Americans consume about 285 million pounds of honey each year. On top of that, the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that honeybees pollinate 80 percent of the country’s insect crops—meaning bees pollinate over $20 billion worth of crops each year.”

“Who cares about American statistics? What’s $ mean we use ¥ here in Japan.” Nishiki turns to the other ghoul.

on his part, because now they’re both naked. Nishiki is horrified. The other two going at it at Jordans Furniture was better than this.

“Psshh.” A head peeks up from behind the kitchen wall.

Nishiki raises an eyebrow.

“Come here.” Hinami whispers.

“Why?”

“Would you rather stay with that?” She nods her head towards the pair.

Good point. Nishiki scrambles into the kitchen. When he enters, he sees Honami and Big Hinami dancing around a small fire right where that table was fifteen minutes ago. Hinami leaves his side and joins in the dancing.

“Why are there three of you? Why are you so tall? Why are you so blue?”

Nishiki is ignored.

The megane ghoul thinks fuck it and joins in, circling the fire with the girls. Kaneki, who was using the bathroom, walks out to see hell unfolding.

Ayato and Hide are throbbing into each other’s honey coated embrace while the Fueguchi kids + Nishiki dance around a fire, ready to open the worm pit once again.

“Worm pit! Worm pit! Worm pit!” They chant, the floor around them slowly fading away, it's coming. Tsukiyama crashes through the ceiling straight into the fire, still unconscious. He is disregarded.

Kaneki walks back into the bathroom and locks the door, sitting on the floor in fetal position.

“Huh, I wonder where Banjou is during all of this.” Kaneki thinks to himself.

He’s in Hawaii, wanting nothing to do with stub man.

Kaneki takes out his flip phone and begins playing Tetris.

“Lies down.” He says out loud. Although he doesn’t actually lie down at all.

Outside the bathroom he hears a muffled scream followed by the mcdonalds “ba da ba ba ba” being yelled harshly. It appears there’s new management.

Kaneki snies (snail cries)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also i got the hanayo since having written being close to getting her
> 
> http://i.imgur.com/m3HrwMg.gif


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we've had this chapter ready for like a month i have no excuse as to why it hasnt been uploaded earlier im just lazy lmao, also the look at this photograph memes long dead but pretend it isnt (^_~)

Kaneki ended up falling asleep in the bathroom. He slowly opens the door and peaks out, it’s quiet, too quiet..

He looks down and sees a large alligator staring up at him. What the fuck?? Was this Florida suddenly??? This shit doesn’t happen in Japan.

Kaneki kneels down, and stares at it dead in the eyes for a few minutes. He decides he likes the gator more than anyone else in the house.

“Did you eat them, little buddy? Were you my gift from above. Did the pope, shining up there, finally grant me freedom from this eternal hardship?” Kaneki places a hand on the gator, who simply stares back.

“I see you’ve met Alibaba!” Hide chimes, waddling up and picking the gater up.

“Alibaba?”

Hide hums in affirmation, “A person knocked on the door, threw him up, then disappeared, so Ayato and me adopted him.”

“Someone threw him up, you say?” He thinks back to the person who birthed Hude in the last chapter. Those fucking authors again..

Kaneki looks at Alibaba for a little more before picking him up and holding him tight. “He is my son now.”

“Kaneki I just said me and Ayato adop-”

“He is my son now. Alibaba is scaly and warm and I love him.”

“Aren’t alligators coldblooded? Why is he warm?”

“Shut up Hide.” Kaneki puts his new friend on the floor, who slowly scurries into the living room.

“piss foyu.”

“woihi5”

“cu 4jlsk”

“skkcl kskswaaaa, vqoe”

As they continue to talk in verbal keysmashes, Hinami tugs on Tsukiyamas arm in the other room.

“Flower man, another gator got in the house!”

“Another gator? Give me that shovel! There!” He begins whacking it with the shovel Hinami pulled out of seemingly nowhere.

“Get him flower man, get that gator.”

[ALIBABA SCREAMING]

Alibaba does not like this, and begins chewing Tsukiyama’s foot off, creating a third stub.

“Chotto matte!” He cries, going limp like a ragdoll and accepting that natural selection had finally come for him in the form of an alligator attack. The shovel drops to the floor, forgotten. Hinami goes back to laying on top of Big Hinami and watching the fire burn in the kitchen.

Kaneki enters, noticing Ayato still on the couch, frozen in the middle of a scream and naked. He then sees Alibaba and picks him up off Tsukiyama’s foot before stopping, realizing something.

“Can… can you actually do it?” The half-ghoul asks, looking at his son.

“Kaneki-kun, what are you talking about?” Tsukiyama is ignored.

“Can you eat them, Alibaba? Can you free us both from this cycle of suffering? Can you finally bring us the last chapter of stubman?!” He cries, looking desperately at Alibaba, eyes pleading. Even the shit currently happening in canon was better than this.

“Bring us our death, Alibaba. Let our drawn out lives finally end. We can pass on if you do it. We can ascend, for real this time. We can stop dying and living and going through days filled with nonsense and pain. Please, please Alibaba.”

There is a knock on the door. Kaneki sighs, placing Alibaba back onto the floor to answer it.

A man with long blonde hair and a goatee holds up a graph.

“Look at this..” There is a pause as guitars strum in the background. “GRAPH.”

He gets uncomfortably close to Kaneki, forcing the half-ghoul to stare deep into his dead eyes and statistics.

Alibaba crawls over and eats the man.

“Good! Now just do it to the rest of them!” Kaneki begs for death.

Big Hinami considers taking Kaneki to counseling.

Nishiki wakes up from off the ground, having been in a small coma.

“Eh?”

Kaneki looks at him with pity, he’ll be a regular in stub man now, there’s no going back. Alibaba as well, he feels regretful to drag two more into this endless void.

Big Hinami looks at him, concerned, as though she can read his thoughts. She’s gotta find that counselors number.

“Why’s there a crocodile?” Nishiki questions.

Nevermind. Kaneki feels no remorse for this man.

Tsukiyama begins making coffee, and everyone sits down at the table. Hide picks up the still frozen Ayato and places him in a chair.

“What happened to him?”

“Bee Movie was too much.”

There is a knock on the door. Kaneki sighs, and opens it.

Kaji Yuki stands on the doorstep, making a bunch of different animal noises. That poor man. Cherry pours out of the gutters, materializing and they and Kaji Yuki begin brawling it out, fists flying in all directions as Kai cheers on Kaju Yuki. Cherry also begins fisting Kai. Kai cries out, “Pfpfpfptpfptppppfpptfptpftpftfpt.” Cherry stares deep into Kai with their dead, lifeless eye orbs. “You’re a mess, Kai-chan.”

They’re gone a second later, fading back into the dark abyss, Cherry quickly blowing a kiss at Alibaba. Kaneki sits back down at the table.

They all sip their coffee.

“Any idea what the authors have planned for us today, Kaneki-kun?” Tsukiyama asks, pouring the coffee down his pants.

Kaneki shakes his head.

“What?” Hide is confused, this isn’t the first time authors have been mentioned...

“Should we just wait here until something happens then?” The Gourmet inquires, watching Alibaba crawl on top of the table, knocking over Nishiki’s coffee. Nishiki narrows his eyes, he has a new enemy.

“I suppose so.” Kaneki takes a swig, it burns his tongue.

They wait for two solid hours. Nothing new happens.

“Well what the fuck.” Kaneki throws his mug against the wall. Cherry and Kai’s faces appear in the fire.

“We already gave you Alibaba, work with that.” They once again vanish.

Tsukiyama picks the alligator up, “What do we do with him?”

Big Hinami pipes up. “Take him shopping?”

“Wouldn’t that make this chapter too similar to Flesh Mall then?” Kaneki points out, as Tsukiyama screams, Alibaba once again chewing on his flesh.

“Chapter?” Hide questions. Nobody pays attention to him.

“Well, how about we take him clothes shopping?”

“Non, that won’t do.” Tsukiyama runs a stub through his hair.

“Maybe this is our chance to take control of this fic?” Kaneki realizes.

“Even if that was true, wouldn’t it still be those two writing us taking control? In the end free will just isn’t a thing we have.”

Kaneki sighs. Did he even have free will in canon? No, it was the same situation as this, just more serious and gruesome. Even his own internal monologues were just the works of two kids sitting at computers on weekend and weekday nights, with no lives, just keyboards. He shudders.

“Fic?! What?” Hide raises an eyebrow in confusion.

Tsukiyama pours some vodka in his coffee, making himself human for a bit in order to be able to drink it again.  
“They’re worried we’ve become too aware, Tsukiyama-san. They wish to wipe our memeories.”

“Why’d you say it like that?”

“Do you think I could help it?” Kaneki snaps, feeling sickened. Cherry looks from the fire, worried that they really will have to wipe the memories of knowing and ever seeing the writers in the first place.

There’s a knock on the door yet again, Kaneki gets up and opens it.

 

Kaneki shuts the door and sits back down. “Hinami-chan, call the police.”

Hinami dials the number, already ahead of him. “On it.”

“Chotto matte!” Tsukiyama slams his handless hands down on the table. “They may have forgotten, but I remember!”

“Remember what, Tsukiyama-san?”

“This!”

 

“Ah, I see, so we’re going to the beach today.”

Hides eyes widen, “How the fuck did you get an image to appear like that? It doesn’t even look printed out either? It’s like a really really good quality hologram what the fu-”

“Everyone pack your things, we’re going to the sea!” Tsukiyama twirls, as he actually enjoys the beach.

“Is that your account or something? Cause your face is the icon? What do you mean beach chapter?!” Hide asks Tsukiyama.

Both him and Kaneki smile.

Kaneki scoops Alibaba off the table and rushes everyone off to get ready, already putting those little kid floaties you know the ones on Alibaba’s arms and legs, despite the fact that alligators have no problem swimming on their own.

Alligator in children’s floaties. Aesthetic.

Seiko watches

Saiko also watches

Everyone runs to various rooms to get ready.

Upstairs, the Fueguchi girls prepare for the beach, Big Hinami already in her bright piss yellow one piece in memory of that chapter where Tsukiyama dyed his hair.

“Big Hinami?” Hinami pipes up, looking at the older version of herself.

“Mmhh?” The elder turns her head towards her, chest extremely visible like the nurse from nyan neko sugar girls.

“How did.. how did they get so big?” Hinami stares at her chimichangas with envy.

Big Hinami giggles to herself, “Well actually...” She gestures for the other two to come closer. They scuttle over, eyes wide, filled with curiosity and excitement.

Big Hinami’s eyes sparkle, and she looks around before leaning in close.

“They’re meat buns.”

She reaches a hand into her bathing suit and pulls on her breast and sure enough, a meat bun pops out. Hinami and Honami stare in awe and bewilderment.

Honami is disappointed in herself, she should have recognized the doughy feeling that was akin to her own.

Big Hinami winks. “Keep it a secret!” She then stuffs the meat bun back down her swimsuit, positioning it just right to keep up the illusion. Honami and Hinami get ready as well, and Big Hinami shoves a few extra meat buns in her bag just in case.

Soon enough they’re all in the minivan, the barbie jeep too small to support the family anymore. They were sad to see it go. A cooler and pool noodles were stuffed in the trunk, Big Hinami taking over the driving since Tsukiyama couldn’t hold the wheel and Kaneki was too busy hugging Alibaba nonstop to do something like drive.

She settles into the driver’s seat, pushing the seat all the way up for unknown reasons. Her head smashes into the roof. Big Hinami’s  _big hinamis_ cannot fit, and press against the wheel, setting off the horn. The singular drawn out honk does not cease, and Big Hinami smiles as though it isn’t happening. Kaneki has a feeling this is gonna be a long trip.

He sits in the passenger seat with Alibaba while everyone else is shoved into the back, while Tsukiyama is in the trunk with the beach supplies, his face is squished against the window, expression contorted into a plea for help. He swears he feels something nibble his ankle, and he sits perfectly still and prays he survives the drive.

“Aah I smell the beach!” Hide sticks his head out the window, inhaling deeply.

“Hide we haven’t even left the driveway yet.” Kaneki comments. “We’re just now starting the car.”

Big Hinami slams the keys in and revs the engines. Hide closes his eyes, still half out the window, and smiles. “I can feel the seawater…”

They decide to ignore him.

Ayato has finally unfrozen, the events in Bee Movie wearing off.

“That was such a good movie.. holy shit..”

“Ayato that was a month ago.”

“Okay but.. like…”

They decide to ignore him too.

Big Hinami goes over a pothole, the entire car bounces up a foot. Tsukiyama’s entire body goes flying forward and he hits the windshield. A hand reaches out of the bags, latching onto his bitten ankle, and drags him back. His eyes are filled with fear, and he cries to Kaneki to help him.

Kaneki is too preoccupied staring into Alibaba’s eyes to figure out the truth. Tsukiyama sheds a tear as he is pulled back, already feeling teeth on his ankle.

On the way there, Big Hinami runs every single red light they almost get stuck at, gets involved in 12 hit and runs, and knocks out a policeman. Finally, they arrive.

Hide sighs, “The smell of the sea, it is gone.” Nobody pays attention to him, too focused on the beach in front of them.

“Alright, lit- er, big lady, we need to find a parking sp-” Tsukiyama is cut off by Big Hinami slamming on the gas, breaking through the fence and over the wooden walkway, landing on the sand. Tsukiyama flies all around the car, like Woody in toy story when he was in the pizza planet van.

“Get the fuck out of my car.” She orders. They pile out as she revs the engines more, before she gets out as well, the honking finally coming to an end.

Kaneki opens the trunk, seven beach balls and Tsukiyama falling out. He stacks the balls on top of his boyfriend, then picks him up bridal style.

Hide whips off his shirt and swings it around, “GTL GTL GTL GTL GTL!”

“What?” Ayato gets out after him.

“GYM TAN LAUUNNDDDRYYY.” Hide crouches down and smacks his forehead against the pavement.

Big Hinami makes a disgusted face, Jersey Shore was an awful show.

The little hinamis pile out next, grabbing the pool noodles and ascending.

They all walk to the entrance, taking off their sneakers so sand doesn’t make a mess of everything. Tsukiyama was the only one to remember to wear flip flops, he smirks in triumph.

Kaneki raises an eyebrow, “What? Doesn’t it feel even more uncomfortable with fli- FUCK.” He bounces back after stepping one foot onto the sand. It is 100 degrees. Where were they, Florida? What the fuck.

Tsukiyama strolls down the path to find a spot, the others stare.

“It can’t be that bad, it’s only sand.” Nishiki rolls his eyes, taking his first step. He freezes, then begins hopping up and down in place to make the pain more bearable.

“We gotta just, run, run across til we get to the towel.” Ayato grabs Hide’s hand and they nyoom, screaming, sand is kicked everywhere.

Kaneki takes a deep breath and gets a running start before barrel rolling down. He smashes into a lady tanning and rolls over a childs sandcastle.

Honami smiles to herself, since she is also warm, the sand won’t harm her. Hinami jumps onto her shoulders, Big Hinami jumping on hers. They take their time and enjoy the scenery.

At the towel Tsukiyama laid down, Nishiki, Hide, and Ayato rest on it, not daring to go anywhere else. Kaneki is still rolling, very close to the ocean. A moment and a splash later and he’s in.

All the Hinamis make it to the ocean as well, Honami slowly tilting over and dumping the others off of her. They tumble and give her a thumbs up, Honami has done well. Big Hinami also throws her some thumbs from her bag, which Honami quickly begins eating.

Kaneki lets go of Alibaba finally and the alligator immediately swims towards some playing children.

Tsukiyama sets up a large umbrella in the sand so they all don’t burn. He scooches in between Hide and Ayato, pushing them apart from each other.

“Make room for Jesus.”

“What is this, bible camp?” Hide asks, sliding up his shades.

“Maybe.” Tsukiyama responds, taking Hide’s shades and putting them on himself.

They sit quietly for a few minutes, Nishiki on his phone. Ayato frowns before sitting up and looking around.

“Hey, does it feel like we’re forgetting someone?” He asks, looking at Tsukiyama. They think for a minute before Tsukiyama gasps in horror and stands quickly, hitting his head on the umbrella.

“WE FORGOT NAKI!” He cries out, dramatically touching the back of his hand to his forehead and bending backwards in a C shape, his head colliding with his heels. What a flexible, flexible ghoul-man.

Back at home, Naki sits on the couch in his bathing suit, staring at the wall. “Life is meaningless.”

Naki stands, he is going back to Chili’s.

Tsukiyama lays down, he feels horrible.

Chie claws her way up from the depths of hell through the sand, head popping up right next to the squad’s towel. She slips out an arm, then the other, before wiggling up until all but her legs were still submerged. The human flashes a peace sign, using the other hand to brush off sand.

“Sup.”

Tsukiyama waves in acknowledgement. Ayato scooches closer to Hide, both of them shuddering, the sight of her reminding them of the incident back at Tsukiyama’s manor.

Chie tries wiggling her lower body, but finds it difficult considering its deep in the sand. “Alright I’m coming up, I’m so sandy I might as well be at the treedome.”

She grabs onto Tsukiyama for support in pulling out her legs, causing him to be dragged off the towel and into the sand. He sighs, accepting his fate as she finishes escaping her passage from hell.

Standing, she plops down onto the towel and passes out. Goodnight sweet prince.

Nishiki stares at her for a while, raising an eyebrow. “Who the hell is that?” He looks to the gourmet for an answer, but sees that after rolling back onto the towel he has passed out as well.

Hide begins burying Ayato in the sand, the sand on the ground, at the beach, the beach they are at, that sand.

“Oyasumi.. Ayato..” Hide whispers as he dumps a bucket of sand over his own face. Ayato sits up and watches in confusion, very concerned as Hide makes various choking and gurgling noises as large amounts of sand travel down this throat into his lungs.

A child runs by, kicking sand in Ayato’s face. Erik Estrada and Vivica A Fox gasp, horrified and offended. Good thing Ayato had his eyelids on.

Down by the water, Kaneki shut the fuck up

Back to Tsukiyama and them.

Nishiki watches Chie swallow the cooler whole. There go the iced coffees, tch. Tsukiyama whips up from his sleep, shouting out “NON, LITTLE MOUSE!!” before flinging himself at her, performing the heimlich maneuver and making her spit back up the cooler.

“NON!” He repeats, wagging his stub as one might wag a finger at a misbehaving child. Chie pouts, reaching into the cooler and pulling out an iced coffee like a normal person.

Down by the water, finally back to Kaneki and the others, the half-ghoul watches Alibaba consume multiple people, causing many to flee the beach screaming. However, some fools still stayed behind, probably assuming the gator was full now. Alibaba’s hunger will never be quenched, the jaws theme plays.

Honami is melting, her body absorbing the water kind of like Koro-sensei and causing her to spread. A third of the beach water is just Honami, blue and warm. She smiles as people get stuck, slowly sinking into her like quick sand. It tickles.

A large wave comes by, knocking Kaneki over. As he manages to get back up another comes, going right over his head. His eyes sting with salt water. Another wave comes and down he goes, he faintly hears a whistle being blown in the distance.

A familiar figure jumps down from the high lifeguard chair, he continues blowing the whistle as he dives into the water, pulling Kaneki out.

The white haired boy coughs, looking up at his savior.

“Arigat-”

“Sup.”

“Hude?!” Kaneki jumps away from him.

“Yeh.”

“What the fuck, why are you here?!”

“You know this is a public beach right.”

Kaneki reaches down and splashes some water in Hudes face, “Don’t fuck with me, okay.”

Hude raises his hands up in the universal woah just take it easy man gesture, “K shit shit, I got a part time job here. Uta’s only been payin us with honey for the past four months, a guys gotta make a living.”

Kaneki is secretly thankful Ayato hadn’t teamed up with the bad and naughty man, who knows what he would have done with all that honey. He shimmies out of Hude’s embrace, “So is Gyde here too?”

Hude nods his head behind him, where Kaneki sees the yellow man floating in the water face down.

“He’s doing fine I see.”

“Kakaka.”

“Excuse me.”

“カカカ。”

Back at the beach, Tsukiyama sits up abruptly, “We have to kill Cherry-kun.”

Chie adjusts her sunglasses, “Who?”

Tsukiyama sits back down.

“Are you guys still out to get us?” Kaneki asks, ready to strike if he must.

“Nah, not til Uba orders us.”

“Oh.” Kaneki isn’t sure why he referred to Uta as Uba, and for a moment is filled with the fear that Uta might have a double like Honami or Hude. That’s… a terrifying thought, honestly.

Maybe he’ll be bright purple and pulsating.

Alibaba crawls back over to Kaneki, the beach now fully devoid of any other people or ghouls.

“Flesh step!” the Fueguchi girls cheer. “Flesh step! Flesh step! Flesh step! Flesh step! Flesh step! Flesh step!”

Kaneki watches them quietly. Hude raises an eyebrow.

“yO how long has that large Hinami existed?? We didn’t do that one.”

“What the fuck does that mean.”

“Nvm broski."

Gyde gurgles, head still underwater.

By the sand, Tsukiyama, Chie, Nishiki, and Ayato notice the lack of other people.

“Where the hell did everyone go?” The Aogiri ghoul questions, entire body submerged in the sand safe for his head thanks to Hide and Nishki.

“I’m not sure..” Tsukiyama looks behind him and sees that the path they had taken is completely gone too, just sand as far as the eye can see.

“The parking lots gone.” Chie announces.

Nishiki sprinkles some sand into his coffee, “Nani?”

“Look, its gone.” She points to the left.

They all gasp.

“Kaneki-kun! Kaneki-kun” Tsukiyama gallops full speed into the ocean, smashing into the half ghoul and knocking him over. “The entire beach is gone!”

“What the fuck are you talking about.”

“Holy shit onii-chan, flower mans right, look.” Hinami gestures towards the many coconut trees which have suddenly appeared.

Kaneki looks around, staring at the now growing grass around the coconut trees.

“What the fuck.”

Tsukiyama points an accusing stub at Alibaba. “I bet its that things fault! The authors clearly gave him some sort of… magical power!”

Tsukiyama gets slapped by everyone, one by one they all take turns. They all love Alibaba too much to let Tsukiyama accuse him of any crimes.

“Alibaba did nothing wrong.” Honami cries, holding the gator in her soft, warm, dough-like arms. Alibaba sinks slightly into her, enjoying the heat.

“i like how this doesn’t necessarily state who or what bit jim carrey

like, for all we know, this could be alluding to an incident in which the director just up and snapped, mauling the shit out of jim carrey with his teeth and nails” Chie comments.

Tsukiyama puts a stub over her mouth, narrowing his eyes at Alibaba. He has magical powers, Tsukiyama just knows it.

They all meet up back at the towel where Ayato remains trapped in the sand. 

“It appears we have descended.” Kaneki notes.

“What do you mean?” Hide sits on Ayatos head.

“I mean this is an island now and we’re stranded.”

 


	18. Omake: Stranded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it begins

“What the kakaka do you mean we’re stranded?!” Nishiki ougles.

Kaneki takes a hold of his shoulders and begins shaking him vigorously, “This is an island, there is water all around us, we have no boat.”

Ayato, who is still completely buried in the sand neck down, gasps.

“Don’t kagunes work like flippers or some shit?” Hide asks.

Everyone turns to him and stares like he is the camera and they are in the office.

Big Hinami clears her throat, “Well, it’ll get dark soon, so we should try and get a fire going.”

Honami begins rubbing her hands together.

“What are you doing bleu mademoiselle?”

“Soon.”

Tsukiyama raises an eyebrow.

“Soon.”

The rest split off to look for firewood, Big Hinami and Hinami venture into the trees, Kaneki and Hide begin digging in the sand next to Ayatos head for wood possibly at the bottom, and Hude searches in the ocean.

Tsukiyama decides to look for food, he pushes back some tall grass and enters the jungle. He walks around aimlessly for about 20 minutes before realizing the majority of the people stranded are ghouls and would have no use for anything he might find. He walks back, finding out he actually only went about 2 feet into the jungle and stood there the entire time.

“Tsukiyama-san! Any luck with food?” Kaneki calls, looking up from the sand.

“Non, sadly.” He says, shaking his head. He searched so hard, too. What a disappointment.

“Oh, I see.” Kaneki goes back to rubbing the two sticks in his hands together.

“Lis-”

Hide raised his finger to his lips, signaling the purple haired male to be quiet. Tsukiyama nodded, peeking in on Kaneki's progress. He, like Hide, watched in silence as Kaneki moved with practiced precision.

"He makes it look so easy," Hide whispered in awe. "I tried to make fire like that the other day and burned my hand twice. It's harder than it looks."

"I've no doubt," Tsukiyama replied in a low voice.

"It's such an elegant process though," Hide said wistfully. "Like a dance, but only with your hands."

"Indeed."

Tsukiyama didn't say aloud what he was really thinking. He didn't want to allude to the fact that his dick was currently at full attention.

Ayato looks at Tsukiyama, glancing from his blank expression to his apparent erection a few times before sighing.

The sticks spark, and soon enough there’s a small flame. Kaneki smiles at his achievement. He creates a small fire pit and the others gather around for warmth, minus Ayato, who is still submerged in the sand and immobilized. Honami crawls near the center so she could share her warmth. The sun begins setting and wolves howl in the distance.

Big Hinami raises an eyebrow. “How long have wolves been here? I could have sworn we saw nothing when we looked around the island.”

“We’re going to die here.” Chie affirms. “There are invisible fucking wolves.”

“Little mouse, that is no way to think!”

“The wolves will eat us alive. We won’t even see it coming. Also we have no food.”

Ayato scoffs, “We’ll just have to eat them first then. There’s your food, stop whining.”

“Oh I’m sorry, do ghoul eyes help you see _invisible fukcing wolves?_   Huh Ayahoe?”

“It’s Ayato.”

“I know what I said.”

“Get rekt!” Hude whispers under his breath while beatboxing.

Ayato would smack him, but he can’t move his arms. He can’t move anything. Hide sees the opportunity and smacks Hude for his bf (beefriend.)

Nishiki rubs his hands together, shivering from the jungle breeze.

“Honestly fuck the authors, why is it so cold? Wasn’t this a beach like five minutes ago?” Kaneki mutters under his breath.

“Authors?” Hide asks.

Kaneki scratches his chin, “Nothing.”

Hide squints.

“Well, any fun camping activities we could do, cause I mean we got the fire.” Hude puts his arms behind his head like some anime protag.

“We could roast you.” Nishiki suggests.

Hude frowns, “I was thinkin somethin like campfire song song.”

“Please don’t start singing.” Kaneki grimaces.

“Wow, you must be fun at parties.” Hude comments.

Tsukiyama smirks, remembering all the fun parties Kaneki and him had which involved being on top of the piano at his mansion. That wasn’t really a party but, it was just as exciting as one. They even had balloons. There was also a party in Tsukiyamas pants.

The water is steadily getting closer due to the high tide, nobody notices.

Hides stomach grumbles, “I’m so hungry.. did nobody seriously pack any food?”

“We’re ghouls, Hide.”

“Coffee cake?”

All the ghouls pause, looking at each other.

“Oh. Oh my god.” Hinami gasps.

“Why did we never think about that? We might be able to eat coffee cake!” Tsukiyama exclaims, eyes wide, completely forgetting that he and Kaneki could just turn themselves into humans at any time since they know the truth about the universe they live in.

Hide feels accomplished, he has pleased the ghouls.

Kaneki abruptly stands up, Alibaba in his arms. “Alright I’m gonna go fight those invisible wolves or die trying.” Its a lie, he just wants away from this disaster in waiting. “Kaneki out.”

“Chotto matte, I’ll come with!” Tsukiyama stands as well, speeding towards the half-ghoul before he can escape and leave Tsukiyama alone in this mess. In his haste, he does not see Ayato’s head. Foot catching the ghoul’s neck, Tsukiyama smiles with dead eyes as he is flung forward face first into the sand. Ayato screams.

Kaneki stops to stare at them both, disappointed in Tsukiyama for holding him up.

“Shit you okay, babe?” Hude slithers across the sand like some kind of sand snake up to Ayato, sitting in front of him. His crotch is right against the ghouls face, glowing and inverted. Ayato is uncomfortable.

“Um, that’s my fucking boyfriend bitch.” Hide throws Hude into the ocean, watching him disappear below the depths with a smirk.

“B-b-b-bye bitch.”

Hide scoots over, taking his twins place in front of Ayato. His crotch is right against the ghouls face, not glowing and normal color. Ayato’s still pretty uncomfortable, but at least this is an improvement.

Someones stomach gurgles and they freeze, looking at each other trying to figure out who was going to starve first. It was Kai’s stomach, but they’ll never know that.

“So worst case scenario Chie and I are gonna die first at the hands of you savages, right?” Hide asks, scooting a little closer to the other human.

“Well you aren’t wrong.” Nishiki comments, pushing up his glasses with his ass.

“Or we could give cannibalism a try.” Hinami adds, looking at the defenceless Ayato while licking her lips. He shivers.

“Wow, we’ve been here less than an hour and y’all are already debating who gets eaten first.” Chie deadpans.

Seeing his chance, Kaneki turns around and quickly walks towards the forest, having not left yet due to his boyfriends incompetence. Tsukiyama barely catches up, still brushing sand off of himself. Honestly, they’d both rather take their chances with invisible wolves instead of those animals when someone decides they’re too hungry.

“I.. I need to pee.” Ayato whispers.

Hide looks at his boyfriend sadly, “We don’t have the plastic shovels we brought with us anymore.”

“You have han-”

“We have no means of technology to get you out.”

“You can literally just start diggi-”

“You’re gonna have to hold it.”

They sit around the fire, staring at it. Nishiki is almost 100% positive he can see a loaf within the orange flames. In its eerie voice, it whispers to him that even now, the evil seed of what he’s done germinates within him. Nishiki is unsettled.

The high tide is getting closer, only about two yards away from Ayatos head. Nobody notices.

In the jungle, Kaneki and Tsukiyama relax quietly in trees across from each other. Alibaba lays on Tsukiyama’s legs, trapping him there.

“Kaneki-kun, what will we do when we get hungry?”

“You eat my ass.”

Back to silence they go.

Tsukiyama begins smashing his head against the tree he’s currently residing in, Kai blows her nose.fuck i just spilt my shirley tmeple  
alright ok im good

Tsukiyama wonders why he can hear Kai’s voice in his head, he smashes against the tree again. Pausing for a minute, he checks to see if the voice is still there. Seems that its gone. Nice.

Kaneki stares at him with wide, offended eyes.

“Wow, was the idea of eating my ass so bad you’d repeatedly slam your head into the tree? Tsukiyama-san, you should really work on your manners.”

“Non, Kaneki-kun, I-”

Kaneki throws a rock directly into Tsukiyama’s mouth, shutting him up and also breaking all of his teeth.

The Gourmet remembers his fic ability and changes the rock into flesh. However, he forgets to bring his broken teeth back to normal and gums at the flesh in his mouth, unable to bite.

Alibaba watches him with deep unforgiving eyes. He is offended on Kaneki’s behalf still.

Kaneki jumps from his tree to his boyfriends, landing on his lap. He finds out Tsukiyama still has an erection from watching him make the fire.

“Oh, well that makes things easier then, come here.” The half ghoul leans forward and kisses Tsukiyama on the mouth, forcing his tongue in. He freezes, pulling away.

“Where the fuck are your teeth.”

“The rock.”

“Oh my god.”

Plan B. Kaneki leans forward and pries open one of Tsukiyamas eyelids, licking the cornea.

Tsukiyama stares ahead, face contorted into a look of pure confusion and shock. What is this? What is Kaneki doing to him? Is he planning to consume his eyeball, then eat the rest from there? Is this sex?

Kaneki licks every part of the others eye before pulling away, spit trailing behind like a shitty yaoi doujin.

“Kaneki-kun, what are you doing?”

“Worming.”

“What, what is this.. _worming_?”

Kaneki shivers, “When you lick your partners eye.”

“Why?”

“I.. I didn’t want to do it, it was _them_. The disgusting authors forcing their kinks on me.”

“Both of them?!” Tsukiyama is surprised.

Kaneki nods, a tear sliding down his cheek. Tsukiyama instantly leans forward and licks it off, pausing after to realize what he has done.

Kaneki smiles sadly. “They’ve got to you too.”

“How repulsive.” The blue haired man shudders, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they wormed each other.”

Cherry winks with their (somehow) uninfected eye. Kai clacks their tongue piercing.

“We might as well turn ourselves into humans and conjure up some food.” Kaneki suggests, a bowl of rice popping up in front of him.

“Kaneki, sweetie, that rice is ra-” Kaneki begins shoveling handfuls of the raw rice into Tsukiyama’s mouth to shut him up.

“I am aware.”

The instant he pulls his hand away, Tsukiyama leans over and pukes. He hadn’t had enough time to make himself human yet, so that tasted disgusting.

“Get rek-” Kanekis taunt is cut off by Tsukiyama shoving raw ramen noodles into his lungs. Out of the corner of his eye as he chokes, he can see Tsukiyama drinking boiling water and snorting the flavor packet.

Te amo begins playing in the distance as the two shove different uncooked foods down each others throats. Then they fuck in the trees after.

 

At the campfire, The Fueguchis are huddled against each other, Nishiki and Chie are playing the hand game slide, Ayato (who had ended up pissing his pants) and Hide talk about Bee Movie, and Hude is huddled off to the side, turned away from the rest. Everyone assumes hes jacking off.

“Aha!” Chie laughs as Nishiki fucks up his hand movements once again. They start over, Nishiki grumbling.

Honami is melting into the two girls. It is very warm, they appreciate it.

“Alright but I definitely think they should have somehow made Vanessa a bee so her and Barry could be together.”

“But bro,” Hide remarks, “Her being human shows the true struggle of their love, that even though they are different species, their feelings pull through.”

“I admit there is something to appreciate with that sentimentality, but how are they gonna fuck?” Ayato huffs, none of the fics on ff.net have satisfied his needs yet. He ponders it for a moment longer, “Well, I guess Barry could just, crawl int-”

 

“Why the fuck do you have ghoul eyes?!”

“The contacts were half-off on ebay last month.”

“Huh.”

“Alright!" Hude whispers to himself. Only Hide and Ayato hear it, they assume he has climaxed.

The silence that followed after is interrupted by a girls voice, “Nico nic-”

Then an abrupt smacking sound.

“Fuck.”

All heads whip towards Hude, that voice was definitely not his.

“Hude?”

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothin’..”

“Bullshit.” Hide stands up and marches over to him.

“What the fuck?!?! You have a phone on you and you didn’t tell anyone?!?!”

“Nah br-”

Hide lunges at the inverted man, the headphones ripping out of the jack and the love live main menu music is heard.

“What the fuck?” Chie stands up as well.

“YOU HAD A PHONE!?” Nishiki bolts towards him.

“Can I have your friend code?” Hinami asks.

Hide, Chie, and Nishiki wrestle Hude for the phone. But his grip is strong and firm. Ayato wishes he could join in but alas, he can’t fucking move.

“Just give us the phone so we can go home!” Chie shouts.

“Gotta use my LP man, gotta use my LP.”

“What the fuck is LP holy shit?!” Nishiki punches him in the face. While Hude’s distracted, Hide snags the phone.

“Alright alright, we can call for help, go home.. oh man.” He closes the stupid idol girl app and opens the dial pad. A finger presses the nine, then the one, then the phone dies.

Hide stares into the device in his hand. He limply touches the screen, then holds down the power button just to double check. This had to be a joke, some sick joke his blue twin came up with.

“Well?” Ayato asks.

“It.. It died.”

Nishiki kicks sand in Hude’s face.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL FOR HELP EARLIER?!”

“I had to use up my LP before it died.”

Chie grabs Hude by the hair and flings him into the ocean.

“So is that a no on the friend code?” Hinami questions quietly.

They ignore her.

Big Hinami pats her shoulder, smiling. “I’m sure he’ll give it to you when it gets charged again!”

Hide flings the phone as far out into the ocean as he can.

“Nevermind.”

Hinami frowns, disappointed. She leans back into Honami, who was staring at the fire with a weird look in her eyes. Maybe she sees it as competition.

Hide lays face down in the sand, groaning loudly. Chie sits down on his back and huffs as he groans again for a different reason. Nishiki goes back to the fire, pissed off.

Big Hinami yawns, stretching her arms up over her head. “I guess we should all try to get some shuteye, we can look for food again tomorrow once it’s light out.”

They all grunt in agreement, everyone besides Ayato settling as close to the fire or Honami as possible for warmth. Ayato wiggles a little, hoping for freedom. But his efforts are futile. He sighs to himself and just yolos it, closing his eyes and falling asleep.

Kaneki pulls himself out of Tsukiyama. Wow that was a great fuck. In the tree. They fucked in the tree. He slides down the trunk and lays on the ground. Tsukiyama is panting, exhausted. He looks over and meets the gaze of Alibaba, sitting on a branch nearby.

Oh my god, he almost forgot about the gator. The Gourmet stares into the judging eyes of Alibaba. He knows. He saw it all.

Tsukiyama shudders and looks away.

They pass out soon after, still naked.


	19. Omake: Stranded Part 2

When the sun rises, all hell breaks loose at the makeshift campsite.

Hide is one of the first to wake up, accidentally kicking Nishiki in the face and waking him up as well. Chie had been awake for a while now, staring into the fire, unblinking.

“Chie? Are you ok?” Hide asks, sitting down next to her.

“I’m contemplating going into the ocean so I can find Hude and cook him.”

“Alright, so you’re not ok.” Hide won’t lie, he wanted to do the same. God knows where Hude was at this point, though.

“Is it just me, or has the water gotten closer?” Nishiki questions, noting how yesterday the ocean was about five yards from the fire, and now it was only two.

“Huh, seems like it, what do you think Ayato?” Hide turns to his boyfriend, eyebrow raising when he doesn’t see his head.

“Ayato?”

The blonde teens eyes frantically look all over, he runs into the sea, splashing water everywhere.

“Ayato?!? Babe?!”

“Oh dear.” Hinami whispers, having just woken up.

Nishiki squints and begins searching the seawater around them, he spots a darker spot and walks over to it.

“Babee?” Hide shouts.

Nishiki kicks at the area, it ends up being seaweed. He kicks the area next to it and his foot smashes into something hard.

“Uh, Hide..”

“Please don’t tell me the ocean drowned my boyfriend.”

“Alright, I’m just gonna stay quiet then.”

Chie smacks her knee and puts her other hand over her mouth to muffle her laughter. Serves that fucker right.

Hide crawls over to where Nishiki is standing, tears leaking out of his brown orbs. His fingers find that familiar mop of hair and a sob makes its way out of his mouth. The human tugs up and the head is freed, Ayato's neck having already eroded away from the saltwater.

Hide stares into his boyfriend's lifeless eyes, hoping for just a glimpse of movement.

“It seems.. rigor mortis has set in..” Hide announces.

 

“Can we eat it?” Honami asks.

“NO.” Hide hugs the head protectively.

The sound of footsteps and tall grass being swooshed to the side is heard as Kaneki and Tsukiyama emerge from the jungle. They look refreshed and sated. Alibaba follows close behind, carrying a ball of flesh that nobody dares try and take.

Kaneki has a smile on his face as he walks back towards the group, “Hey guys what’s u-” His eyes glance upon the head in Hide’s hands.

“Wait, what happened to Ayato? We were gone for one night what the hell.”

“ _Oh my god!_ ” Tsukiyama says in english.

Hide sniffles and wipes at his eyes, “Rigor mortis… it set in…”

Kaneki gasps, he rests a hand on his bros shoulder for moral support.

“If it helps, I sucked his dick once in an alleyway.” Kaneki offers. “Back in like, chapter 3.”

“How does that help at all.”

Kaneki shrugs. Hide silently wonders what he means by chapter 3.

Kai and Cherry begin brawling. It ends with more worming.

“We should eat it.” Tsukiyama begins walking towards Hide, hands outstretched.

“NO.”

The Gourmet sighs, and sits down across from Hinami, Honami, and Big Hinami.

“Hola little and big ladies.”

“Hello flower man!” Hinami pours some sand into his lap.

“Thank you, I needed that.”

Chie’s stomach growls, and her hands clutch at it desperately. “Uugghhh…” She whines, dragging her limp body over to the group.

“Yeah I feel you, I’m starving. Does nobody seriously have any food?” Hide sighs.

Tsukiyama and Kaneki give each other a look. They mustn't know. Hide notices, and squints at the pair.

“There’s food right there in your hands.” Nishiki points to the head.

The human squeezes Ayato to his chest tighter, “That's my fucking boyfriend.”

“That’s a head.”

The two glare at each other. Hide begins stroking his fingers through Ayatos wet hair.

Chie wanders over to the grassy area which indicates the beginning of the jungle, and rips some strands from the ground. She shoves them into her mouth, desperate for some food.

“Um..” Tsukiyama stares, bewildered.

“Shut the fuck up.” Chie spits at him, stuffing more grass down her throat.

Hinami’s stomach grumbles next, she craves for human fingers, but alas. Instead Hinami settles for the girl next to her, she turns and nibbles onto Honami, she is warm, as if fresh out of the microwave. Honami begins purring and convulsing at the touch.

“God I’m fucking starving!” Nishiki kicks at some sand. He’s had enough. “Give me the head.”

“NO!”

“Give. Me. The. Head.”

“I love him..”

“We’re starving to death over here!”

“That’s not my problem.”

The megane ghoul lunges at Hide, they fall onto the ground and roll around in the sand. Nishiki grabs onto Ayato, trying to pry him from the others grasp. Hide punches him in the face, his glasses break.

“Fuck..”

Nishiki knees Hide in the gut, he rolls over, trying to hold the head and clutch his stomach at the same time. It kinda looks like hes pressing Ayato into his torso uncomfortably.

“Guys, come on..” Kaneki raises his hands, trying to mediate between the two.

“Shut the fuck up, if I don’t get that flesh I’ll be going after you next.” Nishiki growls.

Kaneki raises his hands in the universal woah just take it easy man gesture, and backs away from the dispute.

Hide takes the chance of Nishiki being distracted and bolts it, running across the beach.

“Alright, I guess it’s time for my bisexual bicycle.” Nishikis asskaku reveals itself, and he rides full speed after the blonde.

“Hime hime, hime, suki suki daisuki.”

The others stare in shock, they’ve never seen a kagune bicycle before. Incredible.

Big Hinami, having left the campsite earlier to pee, sneaks her way back in, she sits near the entrance to the jungle, turned away from the others. As quietly as possible, she shoves her face into her shirt, and begins nibbling on one of the makeshift boob meat buns.

Nishiki lay unconscious in the sand, Hide somehow successfully knocking him out. He scurries away into the jungle to hide Ayato’s head from the desperate ghouls.

“Big Mademoiselle, are you alright?” Tsukiyama worriedly approaches Big Hinami’s hunched over form.

She whips her head up, startled, left boob completely gone and some sort of meat residue around her mouth.

Tsukiyama stares, mouth agape. Was.. was that bosom always so deflated? Did it fall off due to stress? Was that normal for a growing woman? Would it come back? Wait, did she cannibalize her own breast?!

“Good idea!” Tsukiyama exclaims, before sinking his teeth into his right arm.

“Have we resorted to eating ourselves now? Finally.” Hinami shoves her fingers into her mouth and bites as hard as she can. Blood dribbles down her chin as she feasts.

Honami, being Honami, does nothing, for she gets the majority of her energy from photosynthesis. She basks in the sun and enjoys the show.

Hide wanders back over to the group, having found a nice spot for his boyfriend. His eyes widen upon the sight, Tsukiyama’s entire right arm is gone, Hinami now has stubs, and Big Hinami’s left boob is gone with her right disappearing at a rapid rate.

“Holy shit.” Chie stands next to Hide and they look in shock.

“I’m.. I’m desperate..” Hide whispers. He rolls up the sleeve to his sweatshirt and brings his face down, opening his mouth and closing his teeth around a spot on his arm as hard as he can.

“FUCCCKK. OW.” He pulls away, the area he bit reddening. “Seriously?! I can’t even break the skin?!”

Chie looks fucking horrified.

“Kaneki, yo Kaneki!” Hide runs up to his friend, frantic.

“What?”

“Bite into my arm for me I can’t do it.”

“Excuse me.”

“Sink your teeth into my arm.”

“I don-”

“Rip off some of my arm flesh, then feed it into my mouth like a mother bird.”

“Hide what the fuck.”

Hide closes the distance between the two, “I’m so hungry,” He rests his arms on Kaneki’s shoulders, eyes pleading, “I’m begging you.”

Kaneki stares at his friend, horrified. He wasn’t going to get his bestie involved in sick ghoul tendencies. “Get the fuck away from me.”

“Bro.”

Kaneki begins walking backwards, away from the starving blonde.

“Real bros would feed their bros flesh via mouth!”

“Oh my god.”

“Just bro things: Ripping off your bros flesh and feeding it to each other via mouth.” Hide shouts, stumbling towards the other.

“Hide.. I’m worried about you.”

“Prove our broship.”

“You already know you’re my best friend.”

“Prove it.” Hide extends his bare arm towards Kaneki suggestively.

Kaneki ’s

“Good news guys!” Tsukiyama exclaims, running up to the pair, “We got some more fanart! Shoutout to sneakasnack @ tumblr.”

Kaneki approaches him as an excuse to get away from the hungry hungry Hide. “Oh nice.”

Tsukiyama does some weird gesture with his hands, “Like look at this.”

Suddenly a picture appears in front of him.

Hide stares, wide eyed, much like the Kaneki in the drawing.

“Hahah thats sick.” Kaneki comments, appreciating how the artist accentuated the curve of Hide's backside.

“What.. what the fuck..” The blonde whispers to himself. How did Tsukiyama make a picture appear like that? Why is it of him shoving monster cans up his ass? Did this _"sneakasnack"_ person witness that happening from so long ago? Now that he thinks about it, Hide doesn’t really recall doing that of his own free will. I mean he would've at least lubed up first. What was happening??

Tsukiyama squints at Hide, he quickly eats the picture so the boy will stop theorizing about things he shouldn’t know about. The others must stay ignorant… that was how it had to be.

The human sits down, all fizzled out, and begins eating the sand. Anything to fill his stomach, the pain of hunger was becoming unbearable.

Back near the campfire, Chie has eaten all the grass in sight. Nishiki, who has just woken up, thinks he should hire her to get rid of the weeds in his lawn. Hinami is also full thanks to consuming her own fingers, as well as Big Hinami with the meat buns. She looks at her now flat chest sadly.

“It’s alright, you can just use these.” Honami reaches towards her light blue torso and inches her hands in as if it were some playdough, she rips off two decently sized chunks of herself and rolls them into little balls.

“Free of charge.” She winks at Big Hinami, who slips them into her shirt. They are worm.

Kaneki stares at all of them, concerned. He watches Nishiki crawl over to the fire and stick his hands into the flames, grabbing the firewood and beginning to bite into it. His charred fingers grab at the sand and he begins pouring it on top like some sort of seasoning.

“Wow, uh.” The half-ghoul is speechless.

Chie shakes her head at him, not even she sunk low enough to eat sand and firewood.

“Nishiki, I’m disappointed in you.”

“Shut the fuck up Chie.” He hisses in between bites.

In the distance a firework goes off. They all stare at it, confused. Who the hell would be lighting off fireworks?

“Oh, it's probably that american holiday. Fourth of July was it?” Tsukiyama says as more of a statement than a question.

“July… 4th…” Hide mumbles to himself, suddenly full of melancholy.

Kaneki turns towards his bffl, “What is it?”

“It's Ayatos birthday today.”

“Happy fucking birthday lmAO.” Nishiki chortles.

Chie high fives him.

Hide slumps down into the ocean, “Happy birthday bae…..”

“Eh, I wouldn’t say that.” Tsukiyama walks up behind him.

The human raises an eyebrow, daring him to continue.

“Well, when the authors finish a chapter they let it sit in google docs for a bit, Kai being too lazy to proofread and publish it at the time. Like she even acknowledges this considering shes the one writing now. So by the time _the sinners_  actually read this chapter, it probably won’t be July 4th anymore.”

The sinners? Read this chapter? Google docs? Hide stares into the mans eyes, suspicious.

Suddenly, Tsukiyama painfully shouts out, he lurches over and grips his face.

“Tsukiyama-san?” Kaneki approaches his lover.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

“Um.”

He backs away from the group and lands in the sand, his hair flashes purple for a moment. The ghoul continues screaming in agony.

“What the fuck is happening?!” Nishiki runs over like that one spiderman gif.

Chie pales, “Oh no..”

Tsukiyama’s chin gets slightly longer and pointier, his once beautiful blue hair going back to that godawful purple.

“What? Do you know what's happening to him?” Kaneki shakes Chie violently.

“It’s… it’s Studio Pierrot.”

“Nani?”

“They messed him up real bad, he hasn’t been the same since.”

Hide gasps, blissfully unaware of his own demise Studio Pierrot brought upon him, “That’s awful.”

Tsukiyama begins pelvic thrusting while still kneeling in the sand, his hair flashes again but this time remains the purple color, his stubs get larger, shoulders broader, personality more annoying.

“Tsukiyama-san…. Come on, get up, this isn’t funny anymore.” Kaneki slowly walks up to him, hand outstretched.

Suddenly the others yaoi stub jerks forward, clasping onto the half ghouls with a death grip.

“ _Tres bien_.” He whispers, before violently pulling him forward and sinking his teeth into Kaneki’s shoulder.

Kaneki shrieks, slightly unnerved by the moaning he hears coming out of his boyfriend's throat while he chews.

“Holy shit, he’s eating the flesh.” Hide comments.

“The what?”

 

Tsukiyama unclenches his teeth and staggers backwards, chin dragging across the sand. He barely manages to stand on wobbly knees. “FORTISSIMO!” He cries out, sparkles and explosions going off behind him.

“Has he done this before?” Kaneki questions the human girl.

“Once. Honestly he was lucky to have survived. If the Tsukiyama family didn’t have such a big influence, surely he would've been killed in the middle of his rampage.”

“EL DORADO!” Tsukiyama screams, waving his hands up and down. His hair is glowing now.

“How did you get him out of it?”

“His family had to hire the most well known and qualified priests to perform an exorcism.”

“Priests? You don’t mean..” Kaneki whispers, horrified.

“That’s right,” Chie confirms, “One of those priests was the Pope.”

Tsukiyama whips out a blood stained handkerchief from seemingly nowhere, he presses it to his face and inhales deeply. Legs twitching and eyes vibrating from the scent.

“AH~ _MAGNIFIQUE_!” He twirls around in circles violently. “KANEKI-KUN, YOU SMELL DÉLICIEUX!”

Kaneki briefly wonders if there were any signs Tsukiyama had shown that could have foretold this, and agrees with himself that the man had seemed kind of off sometimes, like that time in flesh mall when he had made a mysterious purchase and refused to show him what it was.

“Nyehehehe, Kaneki-kun~~~~” Tsukiyama slowly approaches the other, boner very visible.

“Um.”

“Ka~ne~ki~kun~”

Chie grips his arm, “Run.”

The gang fucking bolts it down the beach, anime Tsukiyama running after them hungrily. His chin splashes the ocean water everywhere as he runs. The chase begins.

Nishiki, realizing the crazed ghoul is only after Kaneki, swerves off into the forest to chill, not wanting anything to do with this mess. Big Hinami quickly grabs Honami and Hinami and does the same, hiding in the trees just in case anime Tsukiyama decides to go after them next.

Hide digs a hole in the sand and buries himself just like Ayato.

“Bébé, don’t run! It’ll only make things more difficult!” Tsukiyama shouts.

“Oh god.” Kaneki shivers, how repulsive.

“Into the jungle, it’ll be easier to lose him.” Chie suggests. They make a beeline through the trees and other jungle things.

Tsukiyama brings out his kagune and waves it around, because he is erect, the ghoul limb is leaking some weird substance like in all those kagune porn fics.

Kaneki and Chie perch themselves in a tree, holding their breath. They silently watch as Tsukiyama frantically searches for them down below.

“Little mouse? Kaneki-kun?”

“What the fuck are we gonna do? I doubt we can get priests to help from out here. Not to mention the Pope was shot down.” Kaneki whispers to the girl.

She bites her lip, “I.. I don’t know.." She sighs, "Tsukiyama doesn't deserve this.”

Kaneki nods, “I mean sure he has some flaws, but don’t we all? And he changed, didn’t he? He'd changed.”

They both stare into the camera like in the office.

Down below, Tsukiyama cuts down a tree with his kagune. He screams and thrusts a little, then moves onto the next one.

The pair gulps, they don’t have much time left before they’re found.

“Chie. I need you to close your eyes for a second.”

“Why?”

“Please. Trust me.”

She nods and does as he instructs. Kaneki takes a deep breath and conjures up a loaded handgun with his fic powers.

Chie opens her eyes when she feels the cool metal being placed into her hand.

Her eyes widen. “Where-”

“Ssshhh.”

“Wh-”

 

Tsukiyamas kagune is dripping everywhere with the questionable liquid. His rock hard yard long man meat rips through his pants, and in his frivolous galloping about, his sharp yaoi chin stabs his dick. The pointy tip goes all the way through, piercing the ground. Tsukiyama is trapped in place, unable to move unless he wants his dick ripped off.

“This, this is our chance, Chie, you gotta do it.”

Tears begin leaking from her eyes, “B-but.. He's my friend.”

“Do you want him to continue suffering then?”

Chie shakily raises her hands holding the gun, she points it at her best friend who is currently screeching in various languages at his bleeding dick.

“Pull the trigger, Chie.”

A gunshot rings out.

The sun is setting when Kaneki and Chie arrive back at the camp. Hide had dug himself out somehow, and he and Nishiki sit on one side of the fire, the Fueguchis on the other.

“Kaneki! You’re alive!” Hide tackles his friend to the ground.

“Where’s flower man?” Hinami asks, smiling at them with more sand in her hands to pour into his lap.

Chie coughs, staring at the ground.

“Onii-chan?” She questions again.

“He’s.. not going to be coming back anytime soon.”

“Oh shit bro.” Hide looks at him with sympathetic eyes, he knows how it feels to lose a daddy. He goes up to his best friend and places his hands on his shoulders. “If it helps, we were making out in one of his paintings in that selfie room back at his mansion.” Hide offers.

“How does that help at all.”

“Now you realize your previous mistake.”

“Alright settle down boys, it's been a rough night.” Nishiki interrupts, gesturing for those standing to sit down. They all huddle around the fire.

“Do you think we’ll ever make it back home?” Hinami questions.

Kaneki doesn’t want to lie to the girl, but he doesn’t want to upset her either. So he opts to just not say anything.

“...”

Nobody else answers her either.

“Alright, fuck you guys.” Hinami gets up and storms off into the jungle.

“She’s gonna die.” Nishiki deadpans.

Kaneki slaps him.

“OOooo get rekt.” Chie hollers, trying to help lighten the mood.

Hide curls up on the sand, staring into the fire. “We’re never gonna get off this island.”

“Come on you guys! Have some hope!” Big Hinami tries, slapping away Nishiki’s hand when he reaches for the firewood again. “We’re gonna be just fine.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m gonna starve to death before any means of escape show up.” Nishiki groans.

“You just ate all that firewood.”

“A ghoul can’t survive off of firewood alone, I need flesh.”

“Hey, wheres Alibaba?” Kaneki asks, looking around.

“Probably off eating lizards or something.”

“Huh.”

“Wait, there are lizards on this island?!” Hide stands abruptly and licks his lips. Everyone is disgusted.

“Well there’s invisible fucking wolves so I wouldn’t be surprised.” Chie answers.

Kaneki is starting to doubt the invisible wolf thing.

“Brb.” Big Hinami stands and walks into the jungle. When she returns five minutes later, both of her Honami meatboobs are gone.

“What the fuck.” Nishiki spits out. Big Hinami smiles at him.

“If you’re hungry just say so!” Honami gleefully utters. She rips off two more chunks of her doughy body and rolls them into balls, stuffing one down her older self's shirt, and the other in her mouth.

Big Hinami tries to protest as much as one can with blue flesh stuffed down your throat. But her muffles are ignored as Honami continues to rip pieces off herself.

Kaneki, Nishiki, Chie, and Hide all stare wide eyed, nobody knows what to do in this situation.

Honami is half the size she used to be, Big Hinami chews as fast as she can as more "food" is forced into her mouth, her breasts have reached full capacity and are glowing blue through her shirt. Honami's breathes are labored now, her movements slowing down. Big Hinami finally gets a chance to speak.

“Stop this madness! You’re killing yourself!”

Honami smiles, it is sad and weak. “I’m tired, I’m so tired.. please..” She coughs, there is only 25% of her left. “Just let me be useful before I rest.”

Nishiki tch’s, there goes one source of warmth.

Tears well up in Big Hinami’s eyes, as much as she doesn’t want to, she can’t refuse her sisters last request. She slowly chews the flesh Honami inserts. 17% of her is gone.

Kaneki holds the blue hand that isn’t feeding, stroking her knuckles with his thumb.

“When onee-chan gets back, tell her that I love her.” Honami rasps.

Kaneki nods. 10% is left. Her blue glow is quickly fading.

“You’ve been a good kid.” Hide ruffles her hair. Chie hums in agreement.

Honami smiles, “Hoehoh..eho..”

Besides Big Hinami’s chewing it is completely silent. 4% is left.

As the oldest Fueguchi swallows her last piece, Honami closes her eyes.

“Sayonara..” The hand in Kaneki’s grasp goes limp, the blue glow is completely gone, and Honami is no longer soft and warm.


	20. Omake: Stranded Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *mewls gently*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more fanart hohoho!!!!!  
> http://memedong.tumblr.com/post/127760671108

Everyone is quiet, mourning Honami. Minus Nishiki. He just looks pissed.

“Oh my god, you didn’t share any of her.”

Big Hinami pouts, “I.. I didn’t really have a choice considering she was stuffing herself into my mouth!” She kicks sand in his face.

Nishiki stares at her for a minute.

“Throw it up.”

“Pardon me?!” Big Hinami is horrified.

“Throw up the flesh and give it to me.”

“No way I’m doing that!”

Nishiki starts walking towards her, growing desperate. Kaneki quickly steps in front of him.

“We’ll find some other means of food, calm down!”

“We wouldn’t _have_ to find other means if she would just regurgitate the flesh!” Nishiki shoves Kaneki to the side, pursuing the large girl. Starting to panic, Big Hinami stands and pulls out a gun.

“WHAT.” Nishiki skids to a halt.

“Big Hinami, where the hell did you get that!?” Kaneki gasp.

“Hori-san dropped it earlier!”

“Put it down, I don’t want to get hurt” The half ghoul whispers as he pulls out a gun as well and holds it to his own head.

“WHAT.”

“Kaneki-onii-chan, why are you pulling a gun on yourself!?”

“It doesn’t have to be this way, Big Hinami. Just put! The gun! Down!”

“Kaneki-onii-chan, I don’t understand!” She cries, hands trembling.

“If you shoot, I’ll shoot!” He yells, finger dangerously close to the trigger.

“Yo, I fantasized about eating you like a minute ago why would you not jump at the chance of me getting shot?” Nishiki is ignored.

Hide stands with Chie, expression unreadable. Suddenly, he pulls out a gun and points it at Kaneki.

“Don’t do it bro, don’t make me do it.” He whispers, choked up as tears threaten to spill from his eyes.

“You’re gonna shoot me if I shoot myself!? What’s that gonna solve? Besides, when did you get a gun?!”

“I stole it off Hude before we threw him into the ocean.”

“So Hude had two guns?!” Chie asks as she raises a matching gun to Hide. Big Hinami starts screaming. So does Hide.

So Big Hinamis got a gun pointed to Nishiki, Kanekis got a gun to his own head, Hide has a gun pointed to Kaneki and Chie’s got a gun pointed at Hide.

This is a mess.

“Enough!” Big Hinami lowers the gun and accidentally shoots Kaneki’s foot.

“SHIT!!” The half ghoul screams, just like Uta back in earlier chapters. He drops the gun and hops around on one foot while clutching the wounded one, blood seeping into the sand.

“Shit fuck shit boy fuck shit boy sHIT fuck” Hide chucks the gun behind him and pulls off his shirt. Chie thought he was going to give it to Kaneki to help stop the bleeding, but he proceeds to throw it into the fire and continues panicking. Helpful.

The shirt actually extinguishes the fire, Big Hinami groans loudly considering how long it took to make.

“Nice fucking job! There goes the fire.” Nishiki growls.

Chie stares at Hide for a long time, disappointment clear in her eyes. Everyone seems more worried about the fire than Kaneki’s shot foot. He’s currently rolling around in the sand, clutching the foot and screaming.

“Calm down, its just a little boo boo.” Hide gurgles.

“THERES A HOLE THROUGH MY FUCKING FOOT.”

Hide walks over to his friend and kneels down, inspecting the wound. “We might need to cut it off.”

“The entire foot?!”

“The entire foot.”

“sOMEONE JUST TAKE OUT THE BULLET!!”

“Sorry Kaneki, we can’t. We have to cut it off.” Hide shakes his head sadly.

“Can I eat it?” Nishiki is ignored.

“How though? We don’t have any knives here.” Chie brings up.

“We have guns.” Big Hinami states, standing up and loading the one in her hand.

“W-What..” Kaneki begins crawling away from the slowly approaching tomadachi’s, all with guns. Minus Nishiki, who was still gunless.

Many gunshots are heard as they all start shooting at Kaneki around his foot. Hide aims his shots near the ankle, trying to cut it off by going straight across. Big Hinami shoots each individual toe. Chie just hits the same wound over and over. Nishiki throws sand.

When they all run out of bullets, it’s silent, besides Kaneki’s screams.

“Wait.. wait fuck.” Hides eyes widen.

“What?” Big Hinami asks, looking up from the many bullet wounds now covering the still-attached foot.

“He’s a ghoul, the wound would’ve just, healed itself in like an hour or somethin’.”

Big Hinami begins smacking herself repeatedly on the head with her gun. Chie slams the blunt of the gun against Hide’s head.

“Nice fucking going!”

“Why are you mad at me?!”

“It was _your_ idea!”

“You went along with it without questioning anything!” Hide cries, and Chie slams the gun against his head again.

Kaneki takes this moment of confusion to drag himself with his arms into the forest, out of sight of what was left of the squad. They hadn’t seemed to notice his disappearance, good. Kaneki drags himself through familiar bushes and trees, there was where him and Tsukiyama-san wormed. A sigh leaves his lips, he couldn’t believe his boyfriend was actually gone.

Kaneki nears the site where Tsukiyama got shot down, taking a deep breath as he sees some remains of his corpse. As he gets closer he spots a familiar friend.

“Alibaba?”

But the gator does not move.

“Alibaba, hey.” Kaneki pokes him.

“Oh no.. no..” The half ghoul picks him up and shakes him around, but still no response. Kaneki opens his mouth and sees the perpetrator, _Tsukiyamas stubs_ , which are poisonous. Alibaba must have ate them.

He places the cold alligator on the ground in his dead boyfriends arms, a tear sliding down his cheek.

“Oh yeah.” Kaneki had almost forget, he clutches his foot and fixes it with his fic powers. There.

Kaneki stands, wiggles his toes around, and stretches. Good as new. Taking one last melancholy look at his favorite pair, he proceeds deeper into the forest.

After a while, he loses any track of where he is. Pausing to look around, he recognizes nothing from his surroundings and starts getting worried.

Then again, anything was better then back on the beach with those gun-wielding maniacs. Kaneki keeps walking. After a little longer, he hears another howl and shudders before rolling his eyes. As if there were really invisible wolves. It was probably like, the authors being fucking furries in the forest again.

Sadly, again was the key word.

On the other side of the island, Hinami.

“Oh, hello onii-chan.”

Maybe she wasn’t actually that far away.

“So you were around here the whole time? You missed Honami’s death.”

“What.”

“I said you were around here the whole time?”

“Not that.”

“Oh, Honami fucking died lmao. She told me to tell you she loved you.”

“... Oh.” Hinami looks at him for a while.

“Stop staring at me with them big ol eyes of yours.”

Hinami’s eyes suddenly decrease in size, her stare unwavering. Kaneki is slightly less uncomfortable now.

“So, onii-chan! How have the othe-” Her question is cut off by another howl, much closer this time. She turns around full speed, eyes back to their original size. She scans the trees, taking a step backwards and closer to Kaneki.

“No… no, they followed me!” She cries, looking all around them.

“What.”

“The wolves, Kaneki-onii-chan! The invisible wolves!”

“Hinami there aren’t any invisible fucking wolves.”

“Yeah? Then explain _this_.” She holds out her leg, and immediately something unseen clamps into it and starts sprinting away. She's violently pulled to the ground, being dragged by what Kaneki can only assume are the invisible wolves. Hinami screams, flailing around as the wolves bark around them, taking her far far away. She vanishes from his view, her voice growing distant.

Kaneki stares past the trees for a minute, trying to process what happened.

Suddenly Kai pops out of a bush, “Happy birthday Cherry!” Vaporwave starts playing.

Cherry pops up as well, rolling their eyes. “That was yesterday. And by time this goes up, it’ll be too past the 18th of July for it to matter.”

“Alright, well. Fuck you.” Kai gurgles.

Suddenly, a Kai from the future cartwheels in, "Kai you piece of shit, I'm only now proofreading this chapter in September you had this sitting in google docs for _two months._ " They spit out in disgust at their past self.

Past Kai flashes a peace sign before punching the other Kai in the face. The two begin wildly making out and fade into nothingness. Cherry winks, pulling out a spray bottle and spritzing Kaneki quickly before vanishing as well. Kaneki walks over to the bush and dismantles it, he fucking hates those authors, they killed his beloved and made his alligator son choke to death on his remains for their own sick amusement.

The half ghoul somehow ends up back on the beach, sighing to himself. He can never escape.

“Hey guys so I’m pretty sure Hinami just died.”

“Oh my god.” Big Hinami’s hands cover her mouth in shock. “What happened!?”

“You ass, did you fucking eat her? Think you could quench your hunger in secret huh?” Nishiki stomps up to him, pissed as hell.

“The invisible wolves dragged her away, you insensitive fuck.” Kaneki flicks some of the water Cherry sprayed him with onto Nishiki.

Chie punches the sand, “Those invisible fucking wolves.” Another punch.

“Curse you IFW’s!” Hide shakes his fist up at the sky.

“IFW’s?”

“Invisible fucking wolves, Kaneki. Get with the times, oldie.”

“We’re the same age.”

They’re distracted by the sound of Chie punching the sand again.

They all sit around the camp, no longer campfire since Hide put it out. Despite Big Hinami’s best efforts, resetting the fire was nearly impossible without Honami’s warmth and bullets.

“Five left.” Hide announces gloomily. He lays back in the sand, staring at the starry sky. A little after Kaneki got his foot repeatedly shot, the sun had begun to set, now fully gone and leaving them all in darkness.

Big Hinami put her hands over her now flat chest, missing the warmth from the meat buns. She sighs. Chie scowls, having never had warmth in her chest in the first place.

“What the fuck do we do now? Just wait for everyone to die one by one?” Nishiki picks up the shirt still sitting on the extinguished fire and wonders if they could shove Hide back into it cause seeing him shirtless was getting old. There was a hole singed in the back of it, but it was wearable.

Hide sits up and sees the hole, looking at it for a moment before gasping. He stands and grabs it from Nishiki’s hands and spins to face the half-ghoul begging for death next to Big Hinami.

“Kaneki!”

“What?”

“Put this on!”

“What.”

“The hole in the back is perfect for your kagune.”

“I’m not wearing your burnt shirt.”

Hide puts a hand on his chest, offended. “Well fine, maybe my boyfriend will want to wear it!” And with that, Hide storms off into the woods to Ayato’s head.

“Oh dear. That won’t turn out well.” Kaneki whispers, making no attempt to stop him.

“Since we’re probably all gonna die here, I feel like I should confess to something.” Chie pipes up.

They all turn, urging her to continue.

“Like two days ago, while everyone was sleeping, I ripped off a piece of Nishiki’s flesh and ate it.”

Everyone stares at her with a mixture of shocked and impressed. Nishiki looking too startled to be pissed.

“Where?!” Nishiki begins frantically searching his body. “I never noticed any wound?”

“Ass.”

“What.”

“Ass.”

They fall silent.

Nishiki looks at the girl next to him, hand slowly creeping towards hers. Chie notices, and welcomes the gesture. His hand is large and warm, not unlike Honami. Kaneki looks at their conjoined hands with confusion but doesn’t say anything. They turn away from each other, blushing slightly.

“Listen, I… I think I’m in love with you.” Nishiki starts.

Kaneki’s head jerks up so fast he gives himself whiplash.

Chie gulps, heart beating loudly in her chest, she squeezes the hand holding hers tighter.

“And I was wondering if you maybe felt the same?” The ghoul smiles gently.

“What the fu-"

Kaneki is cut off by Big Hinami’s hand slamming over his mouth. She shushes him loudly and turns back to the duo, a wide smile on her face.

“I’ve actually.. felt the same. I have for a long time now.” Chie stares up at him, eyes full of love and adoration.

“You guys have been interacting for like, two da-” Kaneki tries to speak again, but Big Hinami punches him in the jaw.

They both inch closer and closer, looking into each others eyes. The white haired boy has no fucking idea what’s going on anymore, this is just too OOC for them and he’s scared and confused. What’s next? A Mary Sue self insert?

They get even closer before flinging forward and smashing their lips together, suddenly in a heated make out session. Chie pushes Nishiki to the ground, crawling up his body to sit on his chest. Kaneki’s so startled he gets hit with internal whiplash.

“WHAT.”

Big Hinami giggles beside him, smiling at the pair as though they were just sharing an innocent kiss. “Ah, to be young and in love!”

“WHAT.”

In a frenzy they start ripping off each others clothes, Nishiki’s hard on very prominent. Chie cards her fingers through his hair and tugs, and a sound Kaneki did not want to hear comes out from Nishiki’s throat. He wants to vomit.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for so long.” Chie moans. Kaneki takes that moment to excuse himself to go bang his head against a tree well enough to render him unconscious.

Meanwhile in the jungle, Hide scurries through the familiar area to his babe.

“Hey, honeycakes, I got you something.” Hide _unravels_ the shirt excitedly, freezing when he sees the state Ayato’s head is in.

“Oh my god. Oh my god, no. No. Don’t do this.” He falls to his knees, weakly picking up the ear, which was the only thing left of him along with a few strands of hair.

Hide squints at the familiar footprints leading away from the crime. There was only one person whose feet would leave that mark… Alibaba. That bastard.

A tear drips from his eye, and he slowly puts the ear in his mouth. He begins to sob. The ear falls out.

There was only... one thing left to do…..

Hide clenches his right fist, staring at the knuckles until they turned white. He took a deep breath, then with all his might, punched himself in the dick.

“Ugh!” He falls down to his knees, clutching his crotch in pain. “I sure hope.. it’s Tuesday.” Another punch.

He adds his left hand to the party, both knocking blows to his dick in rapid succession. His vision starts to get blurry, blood leaking from the wound.

“Ayato,” Hide coughs up blood, “I’ll be joining you soon my love.” He smacks his dick as hard as he can, violently convulsing on the jungle floor. At least he’ll be going out doing what he loves most.

He blinks blearily up at the sky, and swears for a moment he sees a bee. It must’ve been the blood loss messing with his head. He continues punching, dedicated to finishing this, he can hear a faint buzzing.

“Bangladesh!” Hide cries out, as he can feel his penis literally detaching from his body after a particularly powerful punch. He rolls over, foaming from the mouth. That oughta do it.

“Dulce.. dulce de leche.” The blonde whispers, the light slowly dimming from his eyes before finally shutting.

Back at the campsite, Kaneki finally wakes up after smashing himself unconscious. Sitting up, he notices Chie and Nishiki are nowhere to be found and instead there are numerous raccoons scurrying around the campsite. Big Hinami watches the critters with hungry eyes, tongue darting out to lick her lips.

“Big Hinami-chan, I’m pretty sure that isn’t sanitary.”

“At this point I don’t care.” She begins advancing on a raccoon, eyes locked on her target. The raccoon she’s coming towards notices her.

It starts to scurry away. Big Hinami accelerates.

She flings forward, wrapping her entire body around the creature. Back when she had her meat buns, she would have suffocated the raccoon in her bosom. She’ll have to use other means.

She snaps its neck.

Kaneki watches the animal go limp, and Big Hinami holds its corpse up triumphantly. He stares.

“... What is it, Kaneki-onii-chan?”

“Nothing.”

Big Hinami seems to have lost all sense of control, now kakugan activated eyes leaving Kaneki and locking onto the corpse.

 

She feasts on the raccoon, blood spilling down from her mouth onto her clothes and hands. After a while she pulls away from the now hollow animal, looking satisfied.

“We can eat raccoons?!” Kaneki asks, amazed.

“No.” Big Hinami drops dead.

The remaining raccoons tap dance back into the jungle, the sound of the invisible wolves consuming them following soon after.

Kaneki sits on one of the logs, clutching his head, trying to process everything. Who was still alive? Him, Nishiki, Chie, Hide? Nah, knowing the authors they probably found some bullshit way to kill him off. So there were only three of them left. They were all gonna die here.

Oh god, knowing the authors Nishiki and Chie fucked to death. Maybe they rolled into the ocean. Maybe Chie ate Nishiki’s head like a praying mantis after mating.

Kaneki internally scolds himself. Gotta think positive. Shaking his head, he sighs and stares at the still unlit fire in front of him.

“I guess the easiest way to deal with this is to accept it.”

 

Cherry electrocutes their hand on accident and starts attempting to chew it off nearby. Kai laughs heartily is that the right word im thinking idk but its kinda like a dad laugh really deep and theyre clutching their belly at everyones crazy antics.

Cherry pushes the hand into Kai’s mouth slowly to stop the laughter before they both fade once again.

i read that as sand not hand, feed me the sand, cherry-kun

-seductively pushes sand into your mouth-

*consumes us both*

Kaneki shoots himself in the head. At least, he tries. But all he has is his hand, doing the finger pistol thing cause his actual gun was lost at one point earlier on.  
Kais claspers become erect, they have curly spicy fries. Cherry smirks, their hand finally getting back feeling.

Kaneki stares at them long and hard, narrowing his eyes. Their presence mocks him.

“FUCK BOTH OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Kaneki throws a handful of sand at them. Cherry screeches like a banshee and grabs Kai, who drops their fries, before flipping backwards and vanishing into thin air.

The boy smirkles, using his fic powers to become human before shoveling all the fries into his mouth. He lays down after, staring up at the sky, reminiscing.

He hears rustling and sits up, glancing at the trees. Chie and Nishiki emerge, hand in hand.

“Took you guys long enough, what were you even doing?”

“We got married.”

“What.”

Chie holds up their conjoined hand, a smile on her face as she shows off the matching gold rings.

“What.”

“The invisible fucking wolves,” Nishiki pushes his glasses up with the hand Chie’s holding, she dangles a foot off the ground, “They betrothed us.”

“What.”

“We fucked in the jungle then got hitched, GOD KANEKI!” Chie shouts exasperatedly.

“What.”

“Where’s Hide?” Nishiki doesn’t see him anywhere.

“Hidead.”  
  
“And Big Hinami? Did they run off and fall in love like us?” Chie asks.

Kaneki kneels over at the thought and throws up the fries.

“Wow, a simple ‘no’ would have been enough.”

“Fuck off.” Kaneki wheezes out.

Both Chie and Nishiki look to the rotting corpse of Big Hinami next to the fire, body rigid from rigor mortis.

“Oh.”

Chie stares at the body for a moment in consideration.

“... Can we eat her?”

“Christ, you people have no respect for the dead.” Kaneki glares at them.

“Can we at least eat her deather?”

“Excuse me.”

“You know, the opposite of the liver, ghouls have that right?”

“The deather.” Kaneki’s starting to wonder if everything that's happened on this island is starting to take a toll on their mental health.

“Alright well, I’ve had enough of this.” Kaneki picks up a large chunk of sand, and whips it at Nishiki’s face. He falls to the ground, unconscious. He picks up more and hurls it at Chie, who meets the same fate.

Kaneki lays down on the ground between them, so it looks like they’re chillin. They sleep.

 


	21. Omake: Stranded Part 4 (Final)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been sitting in the docs for a while haha oops

Chie wakes up first with a nya. The first thing she does is stare directly into the sun. For a moment, she swears she sees a strange lump trapped in the sun, mouthing words at her.

“Even now, the evil seed of what you’ve done, germinates within you.”

She blinks, the lump is gone.

“Watashi wa-” Chie is cut off by Kai moaning and screaming as they eat their very good very creamy very cheesy alfredo while simultaneously burning their mouth. Cherry laughs, they ate their alfredo a while ago without burning themselves.

Kai takes out a gun and shoots Cherry. The evil is defeated. They both explode and Chie moves on with her life. The sound of the blast wakes up Kaneki.

“What was that?” He asks groggily, dragging himself up. He begins jerking off.

“I dunno.”

Kaneki would have narrowed his eyes at her but the eyes were too busy jerking Kaneki off.

“N-Nya!” Nishiki wakes up with a start, sweat dripping down his face. It had been a rough night.

They all sit in a circle once Kaneki finishes, Chie and Nishiki giving each other goo goo eyes while Kaneki ponders on if he can find a stick long enough to shove up his ass.

The tide once again creeps closer, although nobody's buried into the sand this time so they don’t really have to worry. Chie stares at the retracting and whatever the opposite of retracting is water, she squints her eyes.

“Is.. is that a person?”

“What?”

They all run to the lump Chie points at, and it is indeed a person, lying face down in the sand. She has long blonde pigtails.

They stare at her for a while, Kaneki eventually reaching out and tapping her a few times with his foot. She makes a sound that reminds Kaneki of possessed Tsukiyama. He shudders.

“Nyahahahaha!” She quickly rises and laughs into her hand.

“Whats that about nya?” Chie asks, the newcomer peaking her interest.

“It’s me, Junko!” She screams into the same hand, beginning to do a dance.

“Junko….. Junko Enoshita? is that her name? i dont know i never finishd dr i never really got that far in it but all i know is that junkos like, the mastermind behind it all?idk what all is but, shes the priinicpal of the school maybe? although i thought he was some skeleton in the attic or some shit that the gang finds later on, is junko actually monobear? are they fucking? who knows”

“Yes, it is I, Junko Enoshima!” She replies haughtily, snapping fingers rhythmically before throwing a pipe bomb.

Everyone jumps in opposite directions to avoid the explosion, Kaneki loses a leg.

They stop drop and roll behind a tree and huddle together, watching the blonde woman thrash about.

“What do we do!?” Chie cries.

“Fuck if I know.” Nishiki tchs.

“Wow, real helpful babe.” They kiss, Kaneki feels his empty stomach churn from disgust.

“Are you guys ever gonna explain why are togeth-” The sound of the invisible fucking wolves cuts Kaneki off.

“They’re here….” Chie shivers.

“Come out!” Junko screams, kicking down a palm tree and then promptly shoving it up her ass.

The trio stare, amazed at her ass capacity.

The sound of the wolves grew closer, the trio vibrates. At this rate, the wolves will fix their Junko problem before they have to deal with it themselves.

Nishiki taps Chie on the shoulder, “Hey…”

“Yes my love?”

“Have you ever thought about having children?”

Kaneki groans loudly, “Guy I don’t think now is the ti-”

Chie gasps, “I have, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to…”

The ghoul smiles at his wife, they interlace fingers and scoot closer.

“Oh my god, guys, can you st-” Kaneki is once again cut off by the invisible wolves howling, right behind them this time.

“HOLY SHIT!” Chie screams as a wolf bites into her.

“BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Nishiki clenches his fists and swings his arms in a full circle, hoping to hit one of them. He only succeeds in punching Kaneki right in the jaw where Big Hinami had a while ago.

Chie goes limp and drops to the ground, right as a loud “Nyahahaha!!” rings out and the wolves scatter. Junko’s piercing laughter attracted them, leaving the trio to collect themselves.

“Hey, fuck you.” Kaneki rubs his rebruising jaw and glares at Nishiki, who kneels over Chie’s bitter arm and collapsed body. Kaneki leans down and looks it over, and raises an eyebrow when he sees its not even that deep.

Her eyes are closed, her breathing heavy. She struggles to get up, and Kaneki is once again confused, the wound barely even broke skin.

“Babe… babe, are you okay?!” Nishiki cries, tears in his eyes. She opens her own, and smiles weakly.

“I’m fine… for now.”

Another “Nyahahahaha!!” rings out, catching their attention. Turning, Kaneki groans loudly when he sees what appears to be Junko riding one of the invisible wolves and running off into the forest, she somehow got her hands on a machine gun, and is wildly firing it in all directions.

“Wow, that’s just great. They made friends.”

“There goes our ‘let Junko get eaten’ plan.” Nishiki comments, helping Chie up.

The small girl spits out blood, a snarl on her face. “I’m finishing this.” Chie shrugs Nishiki off and marches forward.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You’re kinda weak from your invisible fucking wounds given to you by the invisible fuckin wolves, you can’t win.”

“OH MY GOD, Kaneki! Shut up! If my bae says she wants to fight Junko, I’m gonna support her!” Nishiki punches him in the jaw again. He feels another bruise forming.

Kaneki 

Chie begins beatboxing under her breath as she approaches the beach. “COME OUT AND FIGHT ME!” She kneels and begins punching the sand.

Kaneki and Nishiki remain in the jungle, crawling up a tree in case the wolves attack again. They watch closely as Chie slams her fists into the sand, an excellent tactic. They’re impressed. When did she learn to fight like that?

“[ _Strums guitar and walks in._ ] Listen up, you IFW cattle! I’m here to show you how real justice is done!” Chie shouts. “Don’t fuck with… don’t fuck with me.”

She stares down at the sand for a minute, [ _Strums guitar again._ ]

Her head flings up, hearing the distant laughter of her target. Without pause, she kicks off the sand and naruto runs in the direction.

It’s quiet, minus the distant howling and footsteps fading in the distance, Kaneki squished between the tree and Nishiki who was leaning over him trying to see Chie, even though she was long gone.

“Personal space, Nishiki.”

“Shut the fuck.”

After another two minutes of being squished, Nishiki finally leans back and sighs.

“She’s not coming...”

“What.”

“She’s not coming.”

“Nishiki, Chie _just_ left why would she be back already?”

“I don’t know! Alright!?” He snaps, and Kaneki raises his arms in the ‘woah take it easy man’ pose.

It goes quiet once again, the howling gone. Kaneki’s not sure how long ago it ended, actually. Or how long they’d really been in the tree.

“So…. you vape?” Nishiki questions.

“What.”

“Do you vape?”

“No? Isn’t that for like… grunge kids who wanna seem cool? Like Ayato. I think Ayato would’ve vaped.”

“I vape, fuck you.”

Back to silence.

Nishiki starts beatboxing. In the distance, Kai emerges from a hole in the ground.

“Greetings dear readers, I’d like to take this time to have a moment of silence for Kashuu Kiyomitsu, he broke during the Nihongou event, and I’m honestly still shaken up over it. If you enjoy this fic and what we do, it’d be appreciated if you keep him in your thoughts. Thank you.” Kai slithers back into the void.

“Did you hear something?” Nishiki questions.

Kaneki shrugs, the action causing them both to fall out of the tree.

Nishiki hits the ground first, Kaneki slamming down next to him. Kaneki groans and sits up, glancing over to the extinguished campfire in the distance.

Wow, they really weren’t as far as he originally thought.

He stands, glancing down at Nishiki who looks like he’s chilling and didn’t just fall out of a tree.

“Wanna head back to camp while we wait?”

“Yea.”

They walk.

“Nya.”

“What.”

“Nya.” Kaneki nyas.

“I don’t need this kind of negativity in my life.” Nishiki pushes up his glasses with his knee.

Kaneki: *lays down*

“Feel the burn Kaneki, feel the burn.” Nishiki picks up the leftover firewood and places it on the half ghoul.

“Do you got a lighter?”

“Yeah.” Kaneki tosses one to him.

Nishiki catches it in his eye and lights it, the firewood with Kaneki underneath beginning to burn.

The fire goes out almost immediately, most of it soaked for some reason.

“Sorry man, we couldn’t kill you. You pissed everywhere.”

“Damn.” Kaneki sits up, disappointed.

** **

“Oh, Chie! You’re here!” **  
**

Chie’s stomach growls, she reaches for the sand and

Kaneki’s eyes rake over the blood covering her clothes, “Did… did you finish her off?”

She gives a thumbs up, “Piece of cake!”

Nishiki runs to Chie in slow motion, picking her up and spinning her around in his arms. They laugh like some stockphoto.

“You did it! uwu!” Nishiki hollars.

“You were my motivation babe, couldn’t have done it without you.”

Kaneki sits down with his head in his hands.

Nishiki sniffles, “I love you so much, we can do this, we can get off this island and start a life together.”

“Yeah~!” Chie accelerates into his embrace.

They share a passionate kiss, the ghouls tongue darting out to match hers, soon they are lost in a wild makeout frenzy, moans reverberate around the beach while Kaneki covers his ears.

“Are you dying?” Nishiki asks.

“Yeah.” Chie smiles at him.

 

Nishiki picks her up and lowers her onto the ground, the quicksand sucking her up. “It’s how she would have wanted to go.”

“Excuse me?! Since when was this quicksand??? And why’s she dead? She was perfectly fine like, 30 seconds ago!” Kaneki shouts.

“Her wounds… they were too deep…” Nishiki states solemnly.

“What wounds?!?”

“The invisible fucking wounds by the invisible fucking wolves.”

Kaneki just accepts it, why the fuck not. He lays down in the ocean, Nishiki joining him.

“It’s just us left, buddy.”

“I know.”

The waves push up Nishiki’s glasses, “Remember, when we first met?”

“In the Jordans Furniture? Yeah.”

The ghoul sighs, “Those were good times, I had a stable job, a home, I wasn’t stuck on an island. Man..”

Kaneki also thinks back to those times, where he gave Tsukiyama a stubjob in one of those car beds. He missed him so much.

“We’re probably gonna die here.” Whispers Nishiki.

“I know.” Kaneki had accepted it long ago.

“This is probably not the right time, but.. uh..”

“What?”

“Well since we’re going to perish here anyways, wanna makeout?”

“What.”

“I’m lonely, Kaneki.”

“Your wife died literally no less than ten minutes ago.”

“Come _ooonnn_.”

There’s a crackling sound, then a whoosh as Nishiki’s bisexual bikaku still in the shape of a bicycle comes out, it then unravels back and slithers over to Kaneki in temptation.

“I don’t really think now is a good time.”

“Cisphobia wont”

Kaneki realizes his mistake and leans closer to the ghoul. Their lips slam together and their tongues battle for dominance.

 

They break apart, Nishiki’s bisexual bikaku slithering around furiously behind them, aroused. Kaneki’s kagune escaped as well, thrashing around them before getting tangled in Nishiki’s bikaku, one of them still free and flailing.

“Brb.” Kai says, going to make mac and cheese.

“Back.” Kai says, “Cherry you piece of shit didn’t write anything I gotta do everything myself around here smh.”

Cherry points to the above paragraph, the kagune one, “Yeah see that? fuck you. ive also wrote over half this fucking chapter”

“Alright calm down sweaty it was just a joke uwu” Kai pants.

Cherry slams their gummy worm kagune into Kai and they both fade away.

Kaneki glances back to Nishiki, he saw them as well and his aroused bikaku has died down. Lame.

They press together again, continuing the make out session, kagunes slithering around but it just isn’t the same with Nishiki’s kagune boner being dead.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Kai scraems in the distance the mac and chees is fukcing hot and hteir mouth is buru ngg. Cherry slaps them down, the noise echoing.

“What was that?” Nishiki asks, pulling away from Kaneki, suspicious.

“Junko’s ghost, probably.”

“Oh.”

Back at it they go.

Nishiki moves down to suck at Kaneki’s neck, who gurgles in return.

“Kaneki you filthy slut.”

“Na.. Nishiki.”

“Mmmhh?”

“Can I touch you now?”

Nishiki smirkles, grunting in affirmation. Kaneki flips them over and reverses their positions.

“You seem pretty smangry (smexy and angry)” Notes Nishiki.

“Just trying to relieve some tension.”

“Aren’t we all.”

And so they fucked in the ocean. Some sand got up Nishiki’s ass but its all cool, it reminded him of Chie, as if shes looking out for him up above.

 

Now that sufficient time had passed, they both had enough sand in their asses to make a beach at home. If they ever got home that is.

“I’m so hungry Kaneki..”

“We both are.”

“Please, just kill me. I’m done.”

“But what about the baby?”

During those several days, Nishiki and Kaneki had adopted a lost invisible fucking wolf cub. Its name was Yaiba. Nishiki was convinced that it, like Kaneki, was a filthy slut.

Speaking of Nishiki, the megane ghoul groans loudly, ripping off a finger and eating it.

A low rumbling sound is heard. Both ghouls look around trying to find the source.

In the ocean Kaneki spots a yellow light approaching at a rapid pace.

“What the fuck is that?”

“Death. Hopefully.”

As it gets closer to the beach, they realize it’s a boat. Nishiki starts sobbing.

Kaneki wants to close his eyes and cry from relief, but he refuses to look away in case the boat somehow vanishes.

“HHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYY!” Someone shouts from the boat.

“Is.. is that?” Nishikis eyebrows raise

The sound of white noise suddenly befalls upon them all, hands smack over ears in an instant.

“Holy shit, that’s.. that’s.”

Gyde waves at them from on the boat, his glow as bright and yellow as ever.

“Nishiki!” The boat pulls up to the beach and parks.

“Kimi?!” The ghoul exclaims in surprise.

“Kimi?” Kaneki questions.

Nishiki sprints over to the boat, jumping into it and diving into Kimi’s open arms. They immediately begin making out, and Kaneki raises an eyebrow.

“What am I, chopped liver? And what about Chie?”

Nishiki and Kimi pull away, and the ghoul looks to Kaneki.

“We have an open relationship, it’s all chill.”

“What.”

“Y’know, open relationship. Kimi goes and hooks up with Yoriko and Touka sometimes.”

Kimi winks.

Kaneki’s eyes largen, he finally sees the light, but that might just be Gyde over there. Probably both. “The future is now.”

He climbs onto the boat and is greeted by an overly loud burst of static in his left ear.

“Good to see you too Gyde.” He’s honestly never been more happy to see this neon yellow glowing menace. Kaneki pats him on the back and gets another burst of static.

“How did you even find us??” Kaneki turns and asks the girl.

“Well this little guy,” Kimi walks over and wraps her arms around Gyde, “Drifted in from the ocean and told me about you guys’ predicament.” She smiles widely at Nishiki.

“What. Why are you smiling like that.”

“This is our new son.”

“Fucking excuse me.”

“We bonded while finding you! I decided to adopt him.” Kimi squeezes the clone, and gets a long static response.

Kaneki flinches, but Kimi’s smile just grows wider.

“Isn’t he perfect!?”

“Nevermind I’m going back. The invisible fuckin wolves are better than this.” Nishiki begins climbing out of the boat, but it is too late. The boat is in the ocean, somehow, and there’s no island in sight.

Kaneki swears they hadn’t moved. He shudders.

“Aren’t there more of you?” Kimi questions, “I had heard others besides you two got stranded?”

Kaneki and Nishiki look down sadly.

Kimi looks at them and nods knowingly. “I understand.”

“Yeah..”

“You guys got hungry, there’s nothing that could be done.”

“What.”

“You guys ate everyone else, right? I mean you are ghouls.”

“Are.. you not a ghoul?”

Kimi shakes her head.

Kaneki whips his head towards the other ghoul, “Nishiki what the fuck.” He whispers.

Nishiki shrugs, “We were fucking once and, I got excited, and it came out, the bisexual bicycle.”

“Oh my god.”

They all put arms around each other in a very ‘we just survived an island somehow and bonded’ way and stare at the sunset, melting their eyeballs fucking goodbye im going to sleep post the shit kai


	22. Chapter 22

  

ge t that disgustin fuckign man ou t of my document kai dontl… dont put him by my yuki kaji boy

well you see…. nya?

dont fuckign tovcuh me im claling the cops

could you perhaps jack my wang?

ahaha…. spank me…….

“So how far away from home even is this island?” Kaneki asks as Kimi starts the boat.

“Like 20 minutes, you guys could’ve probably all swam back and made it.” The human girl revs the engine.

“Oh my god.” Nishiki screams, “So did everyone die for nothing?”

“At least I’m still here.” Kaneki sips at a canned coffee he got out of seemingly nowhere and promptly spits it at Nishiki.

“It’s time.” Kimi whispers, she quickly moves the gear shift into reverse and slams on the gas pedal. The boat flies backwards at impressive speeds.

 

Kimi abruptly slams on the brakes and turns off the engine.

“Why’d you stop?” Kaneki questions.

“I want a Whopper.” Kimi breathes while reaching for her coin purse. Kaneki and Nishiki look around and realize she drove the boat right to the Burger King drive thru.

“You guys want anything?”

They stare at Kimi, waiting for her to realize they’re ghouls.

“And two kids meals, make sure we get the crowns.” She adds to the order.

She pulls the boat up and pays, then gets the food and hands them their meals.

“Kimi we can’t eat this.” Kaneki mentions while placing the paper crown on his head.

“Yeah, also you forgot to get Gyde anything you insensitive prick.” Nishiki nibbles on a fry, promptly rolling down the window and puking.

“Oh my god! Gyde!” She had forgotten all about the yellow boy, who had been thrown in the hull of the boat due to there not being enough space. Kimi quickly backs the boat up, smashing into the car that was behind her in line and grabs the meal meant for them before speeding off.

“Gyde! I have no idea what’s in here but take it!” She tosses the bag to him, smacking him in the face. He vibrates.

They never find out what was in the bag, Gyde just eats it whole.

“Good to know he likes it.” Nishiki retorts sarcastically.

Kaneki takes Nishikis paper crown and puts it over his other one.

“Alright! Let’s get home you guys must be pooped.” Kimi drives the boat to the apartment. A pang of longing shoots through Kaneki’s chest when he sees it, it’s been so long.

“We’re here.”

Kaneki looks up and sees they’re right at the door to the apartment, the boat crushing Ayato’s 1967 chevy impala.

“Well.”

Kimi jumps over the side of the boat with Gyde on her shoulders and stands by the door, waiting for Kaneki to open it.

“I lost my key on the island.” It’s a lie, he forgot it at home and didn’t want to admit it. Nishiki walks over and slams his leg through the door, unable to wait for Kaneki to hunt down a spare.

They all stare silently as Nishiki makes no move to actually open the broken door.

“It’s stuck.” He states.

“What.”

“My leg, it’s stuck.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Kaneki groans and whips out a gun, quickly firing shots at the man's foot.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” The ghoul screams, trying to wriggle away but being unable to due to his leg still being stuck.

“Now you know.” He stares at Nishiki with dead, unforgiving eyes.

“I DIDN’T EVEN SHOOT YOU BEFORE, I JUST THREW SAND!”

“Oh.” Kaneki lowers the gun and shrugs, grabbing Nishiki’s leg and ripping it out of the door. With the leg out of the way, Kaneki reaches in and turns the doorknob, overly ready to be back in his own bed.

Instead he’s met with a pitch black room with an older man just standing there, staring off into space.

 

“This way.” He whispers in a raspy voice.

He leads the group down a dark narrow hallway, a singular door the only thing at the end. A shaky hand reaches forward and pushes it slightly. He gestures for Kaneki and everyone else to enter.

“Thank you.” He gasps, before someone darts out of seemingly nowhere and tackles him down. They wrestle for a minute before starting to fade into the darkness. Another figure darts out and lands on them before they do, screaming in protest.

Kaneki narrows his eyes, he knows its the authors again. He ignores them, though.

“Nya?”

“Nishiki shut the fuck up.”

Kanekis hand pauses on the doorknob, is he really ready for this? To return back to a life without Tsukiyama or anyone else? Everyday was so fun and full of adventures before, it’s hard to think about what’ll be like with just him. He shudders, body quivering, and opens the door.

“Ah, welcome home bébé.” Tsukiyama waves before picking up his coffee up and sitting on the couch.

“What.”

“What’s up?” Hinami himmles.

“What.” Kaneki repeats.

Nishiki doesn’t wait for Kaneki to go inside any longer and instead pushes him in, following inside after.

“Oh your place is nice.” Kimi remarks.

“Are you guys seeing this??” Kaneki gestures to the two people who should be very much dead.

“Kaneki-kun..” Tsukiyama waggles his stub and gestures for him to come closer. The half ghoul leans towards him. “Don’t make it weird.” He whispers.

Suddenly Kaneki hugs him, sniffling into his shirt.

“You’re making it weird, Kaneki-kun.”

“I thought you were dead~! I was so scared I would never see you again!” Kaneki looks up at his lover.

Tsukiyama cups his cheek, “You’re making that face again, kiddo?”

Kaneki smilks, glowing blue bone crotch activating.

Hide emerges from the hall, “Hey guys!” He moonwalks into the living room.

Gyde crawls up to him and hugs him.

“Oh uh, well, well that’s…” Hide starts.

“Yo!” Hude enters next, joining the group Nagachika hug.

Kaneki assumes all these people are alive because of the fic powers again, or maybe the authors felt bad for him for once and let them live.

He glances around the room, Honami leaks in through the open window and Alibaba's eating Tsukiyamas coffee, mug and all.

“Welcome back you two.” Big Hinami sips her own coffee, nodding towards Nishiki and Kaneki. Her boobs seem to be back to normal size, she must’ve gotten more meat buns.

“Long time no see.” Nishiki plops down on the couch.

“Babe..” Ayato whispers in the open doorway, staring at Hide.

“Honey..” Hides eyes widen. He runs full force towards the ghoul, Hude and Gyde still dangling off him.

“Where have you been??” Hide asks, noticing his boyfriends slopping wet.

“I don’t.. I don’t remember..” Soggy Ayato replies.

Kaneki and Tsukiyama sip their drinks quietly, except Tsukiyama is just cupping his hands like there's still a non-eaten cup left for him to drink from, it’s good that they don’t remember. Thank you authors.

As Hide hugs him, he squints his eyes, something isn’t right about this..

“Hey fuckers!” Naki shouts, “Remember me??” He kicks down a door in the hallway and marches into the living room.

“Naki?” Tsukiyama asks.

“You assholes left me here when you went to the beach! What the hell?” He looks pizzled.

“Whoops.” Tsukiyama sips from his nonexistent cup.

“Trust me, you’re lucky you weren’t there.” Kaneki looks on with dead eyes.

Naki kicks the coffee table in rage. “I wanted to swim!”

“Should I fill the bathtub up for you and you can float in that for a bit?” Big Hinami asks.

“Yeah..” The blonde ghoul replies quietly. They walk to the bathroom.

“Howdy.” Chie emerges from the couch where Big Hinami sat before.

“Hey.” Nishiki says. Kaneki’s surprised he doesn’t say more.

“It seems the gang’s all back together desu.” Tsukiyama smuckled (smirked and chuckled)

“How nostalgic.” Kaneki stands and stretches.

Hide approaches him, “Hey bro.”

“Hey.” Kaneki opens his arms and they embrace. When they pull apart Hide puts his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder.

“You’re my BFF. Best friend for.”

“For…?”

“For.” Hide smiles warmly.

Hude slips over, throwing his arms around their shoulders. “How are you two kawaii nekos doing? Nya… rawr.” He winks.

Kaneki and Hide start eating each others shoulders.

Hude gets a boner. Hide gets a sudden flash of deja vu, vaguely remembering something to do with flesh via mouth. He’s slightly unnerved he can’t understand what it means.

A man nearby in a dragon head begins making loud clicking noises. Hinami picks up a spray bottle and squirts him. The clicks grow larger in volume.

“Get out of my house.” Hinami only receivesreceives louder clicks.

Ayato still stands by the door, dripping seawater everywhere, “I want to break.”

“Break what desu?” Tsukiyama asks.

“I want to break.”

“First get out of those clothes, you’re gonna flood the house my god.” Hinami yells.

Ayato grabs the hem of his collar, “I hate to do this but..” He pulls his shirt off, stripping out of his pants after.

The clothes burst into spontaneous flames. The masked man crawls into them, the clicking slowly fading away as he goes deeper and deeper.

“Bye Nick.” Hinami picks up the water bottle again and drenches the flames, leaving an ashy pile of Ayato’s clothes.

“Nick?” Kaneki raises an eyebrow.

“Nick.” Hinami nods.

Kimi suddenly picks up Hude.

“Hello inverted child.”

“Ay.”

“You’re my new son.” She puts him on one shoulder and picks up Gyde, putting him on the other one.

“Hey bro.” Hude greets his twin.

“Oooohhh no, hell no.” Nishiki stands, going to grab Hude. Gyde opens his mouth, static coming out in short and loud bursts. Kimi quickly climbs the coffee table, keeping out of Nishiki’s grasp.

“Shoot her down.” Nishiki throws a gun at Honami.

“What?” The blue girl whispers.

“Shoot her down!”

“Not in my house.” Kaneki stands and throws Nishiki, Kimi, Hude, Gyde, and Honami out. He locks the door and sits back down. He watches as Kimi throws her boyfriend and two adopted children in the boat and drives off. Honami digs a hole in the ground and lays in it.

“Alright well, I gotta go.” Big Hinami stands.

“What’s the rush?” Her younger self asks.

“WE GOT A JOB TO DO, SAMMY!” She screams, opening the door and walking out.

“Who’s Sammy?” Hinami asks as she watches her start the barbie jeep and drive away.

Kaneki rips off his pants and puts them in the oven before throwing open the door to the nearest room, planning on taking a nap on a nice bed for a few days. He sees the bed ahead of him and takes a running start, throwing himself onto it.

However, the silk sheets send him sliding and he slams face first into the headboard. He’s knocked out cold.

Who knows how long later, Kaneki wakes up and groans, pushing himself up. What time is it? The half ghoul turns to look at the clock, rubbing an eye. He realizes it's not his eye and drops it immediately.

Kaneki decides he oughta change out of the gross island clothes, and opens Tsukiyamas closet. He finds not clothes, but instead a large box, with Haise inside staring directly at him.

They both stare at each other for a moment while Kaneki tries to process exactly what he’s seeing.

“WHAT THE FUCK?” He jumps back and hits the floor.

Haise mouths ‘help me’ to the other, fingers pressing against the clear plastic.

Kaneki stares again for a second, taking in the sight before standing back up and taking a closer look at the box.

Its sealed in two spots with simple scotch tape. He’s really not sure how Haise hadn’t been able to break out on his own considering two tiny strips of tape on this large box really didn’t offer that much resistance.

To prove his own point, Kaneki merely tugs on the top and it pops open, Haise falling out onto Kaneki. They both slam into the floor, Kaneki’s head smashing against the bed frame.

Out he goes again.

When he wakes up next, Haise is nowhere to be seen and the closet is once more closed. He takes a quick peek, no Haise inside.

“Well.”

He doesn’t really know what to say to this. There’s a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

“Did you sleep well, desu?” Tsukiyama leans against the door frame.

“As much as I could after smashing my head twice.”

“That’s good to hear desu.” He walks inside and sits on the bed.

Kaneki ponders if he should ask him about the boxed Haise thing or not, he decides to forget about it since it was probably something the Anime Tsukiyama possessing him influenced.

“Mon cheri… desu….” Tsukiyama leans in close, and Kaneki can see his boner already glowing bright blue through his pants. “Je veux à poing tu, desu.”

“What did you just say to me.”

“Desu?”

 

Tsukiyama leans back, boner dead.

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

“Hey do you wanna watch Spiderman 2?”

“No I haven’t even seen the first one.”

Kaneki slams his fist into Tsukiyama’s neck.

apparently kais naked and they wont send me nudes how rude is that what a bad daddy :(

hey cherry, yiff me?+

no i wont i never got my nudes

Kaneki stands up, i dont know where i was going with ths uh and he breaks his legs. He collapses.

“Are you okay my love?” Tsukiyama quickly kneels at his side.

“Fuckin authors..” Kaneki clenches his fist.

Hinami slams open the door. “Hey I’m gonna go to lung church now.”

“What.”

“Y’know, lung church.” Before Kaneki can question any further, the door slams shut and he hears engines revving.

Kaneki wiggles his fingers and his legs are better, the magic of fic powers. He stands and glances towards the closet one last time before leaving the room and wandering towards the living room. He stops and blinks a few times when he sees Hide and Ayato making out on the couch.

“You guys didn’t leave?”

“Nope.” Hide breaks away from his boyfriend for only a moment before going right back.

Kaneki considers asking if they saw Haise but decides against it, since Tsukiyama is breathing heavily near his shoulder. Like, really heavily. Loud enough that even Ayato glances over with a raised eyebrow.

“uwu” Ayato whispers into Hides ear.

“Brb I gotta wazz.” Hide says and stands up. He goes to pee, Naki’s sleeping in the bathtub.

Ayato chills on the couch, Tsukiyama and Kaneki go to the kitchen to make food.

“I’m kinda in the mood for bagel bites, wanna be humans for a little while?” Tsukiyama asks.

“Yeah that sounds good.” Kaneki replies while snapping his fingers. Boom. Humans.

Tsukiyama slithers the food out of its plastic wrapping, slamming it into the microwave. While waiting Kaneki grabs an ice cream sandwich from the freezer.

In the bathroom, Hide thinks some things over. So many things don’t add up. Why was Ayato dripping wet? He feels like he should know and that it’s important. Where were Kaneki and Nishiki? They were gone for a while. Come to think of it, he and everyone else besides them kinda just appeared in the apartment. Does that mean anything? Why can’t he remember?

Hide stares at the resting Naki while washing his hands, the ghoul slides down the tub in his sleep and becomes completely submerged. Hides eyes widen, it all clicking into place, there was a beach, and sand, and.. and Ayato.

Hide screams, Naki sits up and screams as well.

“What the fuck.” Kaneki says at the noise, wasn’t Hide just peeing? He shrugs, and takes out the now done bagel bites. Tsukiyama purrs.

Hide grips the sink, knuckles turning white. The island, with everyone… they all.. they died? But they were here? Holy shit even he died. He remembers it vividly now, he punched his dick to death.

Hide slaps his face a few times in the mirror.

“You ok there buddy?” Naki asks, still in the tub.

“Am I alive right now?” The blonde frantically asks.

“Uh, yeah?”

“What the fuck.” Hide whispers, he cracks open the door and sneakles out. The bathroom is right next to the kitchen so immediately he sees Kaneki and Tsukiyama, although they don’t see him yet.

“These are really good Kaneki-kun.” The ghoul now turned human eats another bagel bite.

“Yeah and I didn’t burn them like you last time.”

hey guys its cherry i just want you all to take a moment to say rest in peace to my beautiful wife elena, she just fucking died in this fic im reading out of nowhere and im mourning. please send prayers our way in this sad time. thank you

“RIP Elena.” Kaneki nods.

“Who’s Elena?”

“Don’t be an asshole, Tsukiyama-san.” Kaneki shoves a bagel bite up his nose. Tsukiyama screams.

Hide watches it all from the bathroom doorway, he is scared and confused, who is this person? Who is Elena?

“Cherry oh my god SHUT THE FUCK UP UWU!” Kai punches cherry in the hair and eats the candle. Cherry is furious, they slam their Le Big Paws into Kai’s throat, and begin sobbing. They both disappear, a faint clicking heard as they fade.

Kaneki and Tsukiyama both sigh and get back to their bagel bites.

Hide raises an eyebrow, only now realizing that those should taste disgusting to them, they’re ghouls?

Big Hinami struts in the kitchen, she rests her hands on the table and leans over, chest extremely visible like the nurse from Nyan Neko Sugar Girls~, “Ahaha… spank me…”

 

Tsukiyama stares at her with dead eyes. “Hina-chan. Please find suitors your own age.”

She laughs and turns, “It was a joke! Don’t give me that look.” Big Hinami’s _Big Hinami's%E2%84%A2_ bounce.

Cherry jams the fuck out the the nyan neko sugar girls theme

Kai needs to pee, but they can’t move.

Cherry laughs and pees right on tsukiyama, he begins jerking off.

Nick

Kaneki begins placing the cold bagel bites on Big Hinami’s boobs.

Hide, still watching the scene before him, slams the bathroom door closed as he steps out, “What’s going on?!” He shouts angrily.

Instantly Cherry and Kai poof away, along with Nick. The bagel bites fall off of Big Hinami, she looks at them on the counter sadly.

Kaneki lowers the bagel bite away from his mouth, “Not eating bagel bites that’s for sure!”

“Haha right!” Tsukiyama adds, “Those are disgusting and we ghouls can’t eat them.”

Hide squints. Bullshit.

“We were just playing a game of put the food on the boob Hide, jeez.” Big Hinami had no idea what was going on but rolls with it.

“Yeah haha!” Kaneki laughs while scratching his chin.

“Alright..” Hide doesn’t buy any of it, he’s gonna discover the truth one way or another. He slithers out of the house, leaving Ayato on the couch. He’s got work to do sammy.


	23. th

*poses and flashes peace signs* its me cherry its been years but i just want you to know i

aha? but it was me kai who created this chapter w/ the cool cat pic

i know i jsut wanted to add in and say hello to all our fans ;)

ill kill you

anyways, everyone give me the strength to make kai fuckign write the rest of this fic with me cause theyre the worst 

**Author's Note:**

> lmao follow us @ memedong.tumblr.com and lamiaskin.tumblr.com


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